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Something’s not right

Darkness

Darkness

Well it's been a hellish few weeks, I have fallen into the rabbit hole and there seems no escape this time. The darkness has come and it thicker than the fires of hell.

Things just don't seem to going right at all and my MH is just getting worse and worse. Not sleeping (afraid to sleep) not eating and not taking my meds. I know this doesn't help but why bother because when I am on them I either feel zone out or that they do nothing anyways. I didn't make it work today, got to the front and was physically sick and froze again. Crawled back into bed where I stayed untill I had an unexpected call.

My 3 main MH professional and I in a conference call, at the end of the call I was given a choice be sectioned or have my ex move back in temporarily to provide around the clock monitoring, this means for at least two weeks of him being here making sure I eat, take my meds and be present for all appointments and no SH. I am not happy about either option but because of teenager trauma in a MH hospital I am taking the ex.

I will not be as active as normal but I will check in. but like tonight, I may just support posts as I am struggling to even type this. So @Snowie @eth @Lee82 @Eden1919 @Purplerain @Lotusgirl amd anyone I missed I will be getting the care I need and will be safe. To some of the newest forum members please forgive me if it takes a bit for me to get back to you.

6906 replies

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In response to: Darkness

Re: Darkness

Imagine if you will being 5/6 years old and your mum has long black hair and it's always messy and you know that it could be nice if she brushed it. Then along comes this other girl and she has nice shiny light brown hair all the way down her back and thinking wow that's pretty, you think to yourself that she must be very pretty because all daddy wants to do is spend time with her. So from that moment on long healthy hair was what made you pretty and to this day I have never lost that idea. What doesn't make you pretty is no hair or shaved hair. So on days like today where I am fully aware that I will never be pretty, I will never be someone's first and only choice I try an remove the one thing that may prove me wrong, my hair. Because without hair I am definitely not pretty.

Before you start yes I am pretty on the inside and that is where it matter, but I am not on the outside and it's just that. I am not ugly but neither am I pretty. @Lee82

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

Just a couple songs I'm sure you have heard before but I want you to please listen to them beautiful.
@Former-Member

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

I will reply to your post soon hun. I am just getting the boys sorted and need some time to process.
@Former-Member

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

Only listen to them if they will not trigger you hun otherwise just leave it.
@Former-Member

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

Not triggered but still crying my eyes out like a baby. They are very beautiful songs my love. @Lee82

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

I'm so sorry hun. I didnt mean for that to happen. I just wanted you to realise that you are beautiful inside and out in your own unique amazing way.
what about Sean hun. He obviously loves you very much as he is still there with you and for you. He thinks you are beautiful hun. Otherwise he wouldn't be there with you.
I understand the feeling you have though hun as I feel the same way about me. I have never seen myself as attractive and I did a lot in the past to make sure everyone thought that too like cutting my hair sort and dying it blue, getting a lot of face piercings. Eyebrow (which I no longer have) nose, lip, tongue and quite a few in my ears. I also always dressed like a boy as much as I could.
to me you are the most beautiful person I know and I know that I don't know what you look like but that does not and will never matter to me. You have won my heart babe.
@Former-Member

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

Mel remember I said that "I would be nobody's first choice or only choice" that last part was about him. We have an open marriage because we have both cheated before, me a couple of times but he is a serial cheater. I thought it would be good because no one can replace what we have with our friendship and that meant neither of us where hiding anything. But see I am not his only choice, if he could find someone and I aloud it he would her to move in with us!!!!!!!!! Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful man and so devoted to me but he has a huge s** drive and loves to explore that in others as well. In my eyes that doesn't make him a bad person but it proves that I am not enough. I will never be enough, for him, my children, my family or my friends who I let down regularly. I am going to stay off the fourm for a while this afternoon as I am just in a mood. Sorry my love. Love you heaps. @Lee82

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

I understand that you want to be off the forum for a while and I will honour your choice babe I just have I thing I want to say.
you ARE enough! YOU ARE ENOUGH TO ME!!!

YOU ALWAYS WILL BE!!!
@Former-Member

please stay safe hun and be kind to yourself.
I love you with every bit of my being!!

In response to: Darkness

Re: Darkness


@Lee82 wrote:

I just got a call from the psychiatric hospital and they can't get me in till March next year.


That's terrible, @Lee82 !! 😮

And in the meantime you're still suffering!

In response to: Re: Darkness

Re: Darkness

Yea I have conflicting feeling about this @NatureLover

Firstly I feel relieved because right now I really don't have anyone to look after my boys and also Mr9 struggles greatly with separation anxiety at the moment and also I really don't want to go to hospital but I do know that I need to go.
On the other hand 6 months is a hell of a long time. I don't know if I can continue going through all this pain for that long. I don't know how I can continue to go on for another 6 months.
the MH system absolutely sucks. It is so damn bad.

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