Hey Mel, I will use my event in December to try and help you understand. So my client assualted me, we walked around a park while waiting for help from the ambulance and police service and during that time he continued. The ambulance crew arrived first but couldn't approch without the police crew, in the end the ambo's did came to assist me as the saw how much trouble I was having with him, police arrived very shortly after. Now I was sore but otherwise ok, when they all left and my client was taken care of by the ambo's I did have a cry but I went back to work to fill in the forms to report the incdent. They made me go to the doctor because of the physcial injuries. I thought that was it just some small injuries that would heal with the right treatment. I was on light duties which meant I got to be in the office helping my team out. I did this with no issues, I was doing the cancellations for the Christmas New Year public holiday's when I come arcoss his wifes name and I freaked out a little, but my boss thought that was unstandable and she did that call. It wasn't till late Feb that I realised something else was happening to me, I was asked to call an ambulance for a client from the office, I froze I just couldn't do it. Luckily one of our senior workers where beside me and he attended to that call. I went to the bathroom and I was physically sick and couldn't stop crying, I had a few weeks off then returned to the office by now I had been told I had C-PTSD and had just began treatment. First day back in the office another senior worker from my team was on the phone with a client and she raised her voice and her tone got stern, complete meltdown, called my gp and he sent me home.
So for me, sirens are an issue but why? Logic mind knows that they are on their way to help someone and that it's not me i am in no danger, but because of the incdent I automactically go into flight or fight because I was in danger then. The senior worker that was on the phone she is a friend and quite frankly so small I could place my outreach hand on her head and her limbs wouln't reach me so no danger there, but a change in the pitch of her voice and the change in her tone I again felt like I was in danger again because my client did the same thing.. this time I actually just left work without talking to anyone so I was able to "flight" when confronted with a stranger (usually male) I can have a panic attack with in minutes because I don't know them or if the are danger so that is when I "freeze" Then there are the little things like Hubby having to learn to talk without using his hands ( i am sure there is italian blood in him somewhere) because when he was talking and waving his hands around as he normally would I would flinch, it was much worse if we where standing. Now we both know he is not going to hurt me but still I would go back to the fight or flight.
With where you are right now, you have been confronted with a man who abused you for two years, I am not sure what age you where but with you I don't think that really matters as you don't have to worlds greatest support system around you and I doubt you ever had. So while the abuse was happening you where in FFF, now there are very few people I know that will Fight and those people are dam strong amazing people but not many feel like the can. Flight, where were you going to go, who was going to help you, nope can't run so you are left with freeze and the hope that you would at least make it out alive.
Seeing him again, having the flashbacks of the abuse has I believe just sort of turned your FFF back on. You are feeling, seeing everything he did so your body is in distress. You are hypervilatant when you are out so of course you will be seeing him everywhere wheather it's actually him or not, you constantly looking for the danger which is why you are so very scared. You are not going insane, there is nothing wrong with you. You do need to talk to your MH team as soon as possible though honey.
I hope that you can understand this I feel like it is a jumble. Love you 3000 @Lee82
