Darkness

Thank you so much for explaining all that to me hun. I know it must have been very difficult for you to do that so I truly appreciate it. Also it all makes perfect sense. I understand exactly what you are saying. That must have been a terrible experience hun. No wonder you panic every time you hear sirens babe. I completely understand that. I do remember you telling me about that incident however you never had explained it in that much detail.
I was 15 when it started and went on until we left the area when I was 17. He was the one that stole my virginity. I didn't have anyone I could have confided in and so till this day I have never spoken about it. You are the first to know.
logically I now live far away from where he was last living, so logically it most likely isn't him but it just seems so damn real. I just don't understand if it's not him and it's my imagination, why my mind has created this now after all this time. I don't think anything as triggered it but I am not sure. Besides these episodes I have been having the past few months nothing else stands out.
@Former-Member

Thank you so much for your concern hun. It has been dreadful. I don't know what's real and what's not. I only have the support of my forum family and my psychologist however she is on holidays at the moment so I haven't been able to contact her.
how has your Saturday been hun? Have you heard from your boy?
@Anastasia

Sweetheart I hope you get the support from your pdoc soon. @Former-Member Is wonderful and supportive and way more insight to help than me xxx I'm sorry that that happened to you @Former-Member I really am xxx

@Lee82 I wish for this hell to be over for you soon. I really do xxx

My Saturday is good, a sleep in and now I'm cooking my parents their favourite cake. It's their 56th wedding anniversary and my bf and I are having dinner with them tonight. Yes my boy has rung once today and seems happy. He rang me a few times yesterday as well as my bf which was nice. He loves my bf who provides him genuine love and friendship, something that has taken my boy a long time to accept. Due to his relationship with his own father who does not accept or understand his mi I am eternally grateful for the love my bf shows to both my boys. And me for that matter as the last two years has been very tumultuous and he's hung around. Sorry for the tangent. Gosh I wish we could all have a real cuppa and catch up. Grateful for our forum family ❤️

Oh wow 56 years is amazing. I don't think I know anyone who has stayed married for that long.

That is so nice of you and your BF to do that for your parents. I hope you have a lovely evening together and all goes well.
How wonderful to hear about the relationship between your boys and your BF. That is very rear and lovely. They are very lucky.
So happy to hear that your boys is doing well at his dads hun.
My boys don't have a good relationship with their dad either. He has no time for them what so ever and doesn't treat them very nicely. They hate going there and have now refused to go back. I have fought with them over it for the past 2 years and I can't do it anymore. I can't keep forcing them to go.
@Anastasia

I hope you are ok beautiful?

@Former-Member

Let's take out your "episode" because yes they happened before you saw him the first time. But everything else around him started that first night you saw him in the shopping center when you where still staying with your birth giver. Even if it was not him you saw the first time, the man obviously presented with enough similarities as your abuser that you freaked out and triggered you into the flashbacks around him and hence you are in a heightened state. I am currently making a Christmas for an old employer of mine and I can tell you now it's been triggering as my client and him have the same name. C-PTSD doesn't make sense, sometimes neither do the triggers but it doesn't have to make sense to logic mind, you just have to "ok, that triggered me" if you think you will forget before your next MH check in write it down and talk to your professionals about it. I have been told and I am not that good at it myself the more I fight what is happening to me the longer the recovery will be.

I am ok my love, I have been sleeping off and on all afternoon @Lee82

That was definitely him at the shops that very first time. No mistaken it was his ugly smug face smiling at me.
I will mention it to my psychologist next time I speak with her. It is definitely not something I can forget. I definitely can see that recovery would be longer when trying to make sense of things. I am still trying to make sense of everything that has happened. Trying to figure out why it happened to me. I am also always trying to understand it but I can't understand any of it. I cannot stop blaming myself for most of what happened to me. I try so hard but I punish myself all the time for most of it.
C-PTSD is very complicated and there is so very much that contributes to it. How the hell are we suppose to get over it?
I had the psychiatric hospital call me today to talk about my admission for EMDR therapy. Honey I don't know what I am going to do. The conversation has opened up a lot of wounds for me today and I am trying so hard to keep the monster away. I feel so lost and alone irl. I don't know what to do.
@Former-Member

Mel, can you play this YouTube music right now? If you can I will put mine on and we can listen to it together and then in real life you are not alone we will be doing the same thing together @Lee82

https://youtu.be/ATwqxQAw69w

Ok my love I am pressing play now

@Former-Member

I didn't hit post 😩 are you still listening to it @Lee82