No need to thank me Mel, I only spoke the truth and you are all those things to many of the fourm members even if you don't see it we do.
I am so sorry to hear of yet another fallout with your birth giver (in my eyes she doesn't deserve the title mother or mum) I imgaine that this pushes you even further away from getting the EDMR treatment and this concerns me beyond words. IRL I have lost another friend to the darkness and the family has made it a closed service family only so I wil not get to say goodbye to him in the normal way, but i will find a way to have my own goodbye, please be safe because while his death is tragic it is one i can deal with but yours will knock the s!!t out of me and I wouldn't handle it well at all.
Please be aware when you choose to drink, sometimes it hardly feels like a choice as it can numb everything but as you know it can amped up the Monster far to much. I hope you don't need any medical attention from this weekend visits from the Monster.
I am pretty low and have been sliding backwards since Friday's session with my Nat. Things/thoughts that ring alarm bells have been happening all weekend and today to just make sure I knew how bad it is, I was tagged in a post with that word in it and had an epic panic attack that had me blank out for nearly 2 hours. I am fine now, well as fine as I can be right now ( @Emelia8 , it was not your post, just incase you started to stress about it. love you my friend) I am not sure now any treatment is going to work for me if I can't get a grip on myself. I have decided that I need to look at what I am going to do as far as being as to stand on my own 2 feet again. That can only happen though when I am clear in my thoughts like now, but that is a rare moment right now. My stress levels and anxiety levels are out of control and so is the si thoughts. For right now I can manage them without a lot of trouble but it is concerning. Even though I have 2 people here with me I am more alone than ever. As much as they try they just can't understand really, this is my lived experenice and they can't even begin to understand how complex everyday activities can be for me. Enough rambling from me.
Remember how important you are, how you matter to a lot of people, how the world is a better place for you being here, how much your friendship and support means not only to me but others on the fourm as well. Please remember our promise and how much your boys need their mum no matter how distracted, in pain, unable to connect fully with them. They need you to show them that sometimes life can knock the stuffing out of you but you can work through, even if it's messy at times or sometimes it seem to be never getting easier, they see you trying so very hard and that is a great thing you are doing for them
Love you 3000, to infinity and beyond Always my love @Lee82
