Darkness

That sounds like a good idea @Zoe7 the garden can always wait but looking after your needs is definitely more important. Lovely to hear you putting you first. Hope you have a restful night.

@Former-Member My beautiful friend just want to let you know that I am thinking of you hun. That you are super special to me and hold a very special place in my heart where you will always be. 💗

love you 3000, always and forever!!

I actually did some sewing tonight @Lee82 A couple of things that needed taking up that I have had sitting there since the holidays so it is good to have that done. Been chilling out in front of the tv watching the footy also so very much an easy night for me. Going to do a little work soon as I can't see me sleeping anytime soon - that is the downside of sleeping half the day but I feel better for it so I am not going to stress about it and just catch a few hours when I get tired.

Same here @Zoe7 I think it's going to be a long night for me too. Anxiety is very high tonight. For what reason I don't really know.

Sometimes there isn't a reason @Lee82 Just get through minute by minute, breath and do what you need to do tonight. I will be around for a while so happy to sit with you

Thanks @Zoe7 it's just so disheartening because I had such a good day and now I am back to feeling anxious again. I am doing some diamond painting to hopefully keep myself distracted and away from having a panic attack. 😕

Try not to see it as disheartening or that your day did not have that joy in it @Lee82 MI has it's ups and downs and we need to ride out the 'bad' whilst still remembering the good. Just because you are not feeling on top of it tonight does not take away from the nice you had today Hon. I always found the nights the hardest - even when the day had been okay - so distraction is good.

I feels like a tease. A little taste of what I can never really have. It feels like what a child would feel like if you dangled a lolly in front of a child and gave them a lick and that's it.
@Zoe7

im sorry I know I sound ungrateful for the day I just had it's just frustrating because it's so damn hard to have those types of days and there is way too much time in between each good day and it seems that I am getting less and less good days.

None of us have continual and sustained 'good' days Hon - life naturally has it's ebs and flows and part of moving forward (even in the smallest of steps) is about both recognising that and appreciating those moments that give us that happiness and joy when it happens. To do that though we have to retrain our brains to accept what is in front of us at any particular time. I firmly believe that MI takes so much away from us and we get in the habit of focussing on the negatives because that is where so much of our lives sit and in such a strange way it is also where we are comfortable being. So we need to re-learn how to enjoy things, how to change our focus from all the things that go wrong and onto the things that feel right. It is a long term process but that process begins with the smaller things like you experienced today - a simple waterfall, a walk along a beach, snuggling with a fur baby or doing your diamond art. We build up these positive experiences and they then help us to balance out the 'bad'.

That all makes perfect sense @Zoe7

I only wish I could accept that this is the way life will be for me always. I just can't seem to accept my MH. I can't accept that I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. That is my problem. I don't want to accept it. I find it extremely difficult to accept that all this will never go away and I have to learn how to live with it.
it makes me so damn angry that because of a few perverted, selfish, distrusting people and there twisted needs that I have to suffer for the rest of my life especially knowing that they are all living wonderful free lives.
Im sorry Zoe I feel really bad expressing all this to you but I have nowhere else to talk about this stuff. I have no one irl to talk to.
I have tears welling up in my eyes right now. I am just so sad about the whole thing. It hurts my heart so very much.