Darkness

I am quite happy to listen Hon - that is what we are here for - to support each other @Lee82

I do get where you are coming from and I think there is a difference between accepting what has been done to us and moving on for our own benefit. I can never forget nor forgive what I have been through but I (we) cannot change any of that. It is just as important to accept that we have been through hell as it is that we have survived. Nothing will change the past but we giving those people any more oxygen, any more thought and more importantly our own pain only serves to keep letting them damage us further. Whether they have happy lives or not is not our concern because focussing on that only serves to feed into our pain again and again - and drags us further into that darkness. Do not let them have that hold over you Hon - they do not matter in our lives because we have not only survivied but have gained valuable insight and empathy as a result - and that in itself is something to hold onto.

I love the way you see things @Zoe7

I wish I could see it all that way but I just don't know how. You have great knowledge and the most amazingly positive attitude.
i just feel like they have won. They have broken me and turned me into a victim. They have stolen everything from me. All my firsts in life were taken away from me as well as my trust and worthiness. All my confidence and self esteem. They stole my innocence and made me grow up too damn quick. I long to feel and be a survivor someone who can embrace what's happened and use it to help others and feel like it all has made me a stronger person but the ugly truth is it does not make me feel that way at all.

I have not always been able to look at things this way @Lee82 Infact it has only been recently that my mindset has changed. I had to make a conscious choice to not let it all get to me and rule my life. For so long I too pushed through the pain and let the past rule my life. Mental illness is hard enough without having all that pain on top of it. I know there will be times it gets to me, gets me down and takes over my thinking but I also choose now not to let them win. They have taken enough from me and I have no doubt I do not even enter their minds so why let them enter mine. There are still flashbacks, triggers and nightmares for me too Hon - and they are horrendous at times but I am in a better place now and refuse to let them take over my life.

I very much hear you @Lee82 - I was once there too (and for a very, very long time). I honestly did not think I would survive (and didn't want to) and I certainly did not think I would ever get back to work - but here I am ...and not only back at work but fulltime and teaching what I love. What the past has taught me is that I am a survivor, I have strength and I can be who I want to be despite how much others' wanted to break me. Letting those people determine who we are, what we want and what we can achieve only hurts ourselves - they do not care so why not try to be all we can be - not for them, not for anyone but for ourselves because in the end we are all we need to please, love and live with. Be true to yourself Hon because you are more than your past, more than your trauma and more than 'them' - you matter and quite honestly 'they' don't.

I really do hope that one day I will see things the way you do before it's too late @Zoe7

I can't ever see myself being able to get a job or be in a relationship or even simply just be happy. I know I had all this at one point in my life but that was all taken away from me by my ex husband.
Zoe I am in ore of you. You are an amazing person. You have come so very far.
I feel my anxiety rising rihht now. I am so tired I don't think I can fight the panic attack away. I have steipped diamond painting because I am shaking too mvh

Hon you have things I will never have and have done things I never will - and all that despite your past @Lee82 As I said - I never thought I would return to work but here I am so never say never. As for relationships - that is not something I want nor need in my life. That is because of my past but I am happy without it. You can make a life for yourself without those things - they certainly do not define you but if they are things you do want then they are good goals to have. Start small - volunteer somewhere, do a short course, engage in groups that have the same interests as you. I know right now those things are hard to attain but in the future (and when the current situation with Covid-19 is better) step outside your comfort zone a little and give them a try. The worst that could happen is you find yourself not being able to achieve them yet but at least you have given them a try.

It takes us so long to regain some of that courage and build up our self-esteem Hon but litle bit by little bit you can do it ...and the more you do the easier it becomes.

For now though breath through that anxiety, slow deep breathes. Have you ever tried placing your face into ice water? It can help to shock your system when you are feeling so anxious.

@Lee82 I hope you are okay Hon and can get through tonight. I have to try to sleep - at least rest and see if that leads to sleep. I don't want to leave you but feeling the effects of my meds. Hugs and hugs and hugs for you and hoping that panic attack passes quickly and you can get some sleep too

Good morning Apple, so sorry your day on Friday was pretty difficult for you. I am so happy you where on the fourm at 1 in the morning rather than choosing one of the "other" options.

I didn't know you where a Queenslander Apple, so yes we need to be careful. If I remember rightly there was only 2 or 3 horse therapy places in our town. I hope that you give it a go though, it may not feel like it's doing much at first but just listen to your body it will tell you. I finally got it on Friday and it was amazing, still a long way to go but it's a step in the right direction.

Hoping very much that you are having an ok weekend so far my friend @Appleblossom

Honey are you ok? I hope you are finally sleeping. Love you unconditionally my sweet @Lee82

Thank you @Zoe7 for you support I really and truly appreciate it. Thank you for keeping me company. You are a beautiful person.
I am safe

love you forever and a day

@Former-Member

Morning my love, how are you feeling? Did you get much sleep? I struggled to sleep last night even with stronger night meds. Feeling ok today after a very depressive day yesterday. Missing my paint room as it is closed for renovations. Hubby starts those today so hopefully he wants it done by the end of the week. Just a chill day for me as he runs around getting everything he needs to do it. My sister has her birthday tomorrow and we will see her Tuesday so I might start her birthday cake today if I get the energy to do it. Sending you all my love and huge gentle hugs. @Lee82