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Darkness

Unknown userMember23 Apr 2020, 7:03 pm AEST

Darkness

Well it's been a hellish few weeks, I have fallen into the rabbit hole and there seems no escape this time. The darkness has come and it thicker than the fires of hell.

Things just don't seem to going right at all and my MH is just getting worse and worse. Not sleeping (afraid to sleep) not eating and not taking my meds. I know this doesn't help but why bother because when I am on them I either feel zone out or that they do nothing anyways. I didn't make it work today, got to the front and was physically sick and froze again. Crawled back into bed where I stayed untill I had an unexpected call.

My 3 main MH professional and I in a conference call, at the end of the call I was given a choice be sectioned or have my ex move back in temporarily to provide around the clock monitoring, this means for at least two weeks of him being here making sure I eat, take my meds and be present for all appointments and no SH. I am not happy about either option but because of teenager trauma in a MH hospital I am taking the ex.

I will not be as active as normal but I will check in. but like tonight, I may just support posts as I am struggling to even type this. So @Snowie @eth @Lee82 @Eden1919 @Purplerain @Lotusgirl amd anyone I missed I will be getting the care I need and will be safe. To some of the newest forum members please forgive me if it takes a bit for me to get back to you.

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In response to: Darkness

Unknown userMember13 June 2020, 8:50 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Thank you so much @outlander , the book idea sounds wonderful especially for Kimmy and Izzy's littler one. I would very much appreciate you help in getting that together.

I have to head to bed now as the night meds are beginning to kick in. Thank you so much for hearing me tonight, for you support and knowledge it is a debt I can never fully repay. You my dear have such a beautiful soul and an amazing capacity to give. I am glad Izzy found you here.

@Lee82 , I am sorry we have missed each other again tonight, I hope you are having an good night with your brother. Please be safe, love you always Nikki

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 8:55 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

your most welcome Nikki, you have nothing to repay me for, you support me too remember

whenever you want some help please give me a shout and ill help you work it out.
big w sells cheap scrap books and the reject shop too (including cute kids ones for the littlies) so might be a good place to look. @Former-Member

In response to: Darkness

Lee82Senior Contributor13 June 2020, 9:29 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Gorgeous I agree with @outlander. you have so much riding on your shoulders. I think it may be time for you get some help and support. Have you ever spoken to Nat about your needs and concerns? What type of support you may need that will help you to better support the other alters as well as Izzy but mostly for your own sanity.
You are an amazing person Nikki and Izzy is so lucky to have you around. I hope she is doing ok. Please give her a cuddle for me and let her know that I am always thinking of her and that I love her unconditionally. 💗 that she is very special to me.
I feel that way about all of you Nikki. You all have your own unique qualities that I adore and love.
@Former-Member

I am just relaxing on my brothers couch watching friends with him. We did manage to get out for dinner and it went better than I expected although I did have quite a few drinks before we left 😉.

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 9:32 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

hey @Lee82 sounds like your time with your brother has been quite good tonight.

In response to: Re: Darkness

Lee82Senior Contributor13 June 2020, 9:45 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Thanks @outlander it has been a nice night. Something I haven't had in a very long time.
the only thing is which is so f**ked up is that I feel like I can't really enjoy myself. Like something is stopping me from truly being happy and having a good time. I have all this sh** in my head that I can't switch off and my anxiety is always hanging around that makes me feel so uncomfortable. I am just so tired of it all, all of the time.

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 9:50 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

@Lee82
our 'normal' is to try and survive everyday, anything outside that can be strange so makes us feel uncomfortable. depression really suppresses a lot of things but the more you do the things you enjoy it starts to retrain the brain that you can still have struggles but you can also be happy.

it really does suck being numb to all the good things. very frustrating too.

is there anything on your mind atm that you might want to talk about?

In response to: Re: Darkness

Lee82Senior Contributor13 June 2020, 10:09 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

That is so true @outlander. Things that I use to enjoy I no longer do. Things that use to make me happy no longer do. Even my stamina has gotten really bad. We went out for dinner and half way through I just wanted to get home and go to sleep. Being out in the real world just makes me realise just how bad a really am and how far I have to go before I am back to any type of normality which in turn makes me more depressed. All I want to do is hide away from the world where I can't disappoint anyone or hurt anyone and never come out. I want to be left alone somewhere I have no contact with anyone. Somewhere I don't have to see anyone or talk to anyone.
it makes me so frustrated and angry that all these people around are trying the hardest to make me feel better and all I want to do is tell them to leave me alone. Just forget about me and move On With their lives. I want them to stop trying to help because I am too broken and cannot be put back together and seeing the hope in their eyes just kills me. Especially when I see no hope for me.

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 10:25 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

@Lee82 I can relate to everything you said. I have been where you are, probably more then I would like to be but no one wishes to be in that damn dark hole where there just seems to be no light.
to be honest when I go out to dinner all I want to do is come home as well. I find it to overwhelming and just the atmosphere. as much as I want to be out of this house its often the first place I want to come back to and get away from everyone and everything.

I haven't lost hope for you and I wont. The candle in my profile pic is a symbol is keeping the hope alive for everyone who is struggling. its really tough right now but for now focus on surviving. do your basics every day-shower, eating, sleep, hair and teeth and then whatever else you can manage call it a bonus. build yourself up. doing the dishes might not seem significant but for someone who struggles to get out of bed it is a huge accomplishment.

In response to: Re: Darkness

Lee82Senior Contributor13 June 2020, 10:40 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Some days I can't even do that @outlander having a shower and getting changed seems like such a massive thing I get way too overwhelmed and don't even make it to the shower. I'm sorry I am not really making any Sense right now. My brain feels like it's mush and I am struggling to write the thoughts in my head. I can't think I can't concentrate I can't do much these days. How pathetic of a 37 year old.

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 10:46 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

no you are making sense @Lee82

mental illness is so hard, overwhelming and just makes things so hard. there has been many days where I have stayed in the same clothes for a day or 2 or ive had a shower but its taken me half an hour to get dressed so I literally just sit on the edge of the bath or the toilet wrapped in a towel trying to work up to get dressed.
your not pathetic and age has no factor in this. it doesn't matter your age, how grown up you are, or whatever it can still affect you.

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