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Darkness

Unknown userMember23 Apr 2020, 7:03 pm AEST

Darkness

Well it's been a hellish few weeks, I have fallen into the rabbit hole and there seems no escape this time. The darkness has come and it thicker than the fires of hell.

Things just don't seem to going right at all and my MH is just getting worse and worse. Not sleeping (afraid to sleep) not eating and not taking my meds. I know this doesn't help but why bother because when I am on them I either feel zone out or that they do nothing anyways. I didn't make it work today, got to the front and was physically sick and froze again. Crawled back into bed where I stayed untill I had an unexpected call.

My 3 main MH professional and I in a conference call, at the end of the call I was given a choice be sectioned or have my ex move back in temporarily to provide around the clock monitoring, this means for at least two weeks of him being here making sure I eat, take my meds and be present for all appointments and no SH. I am not happy about either option but because of teenager trauma in a MH hospital I am taking the ex.

I will not be as active as normal but I will check in. but like tonight, I may just support posts as I am struggling to even type this. So @Snowie @eth @Lee82 @Eden1919 @Purplerain @Lotusgirl amd anyone I missed I will be getting the care I need and will be safe. To some of the newest forum members please forgive me if it takes a bit for me to get back to you.

6906 replies

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In response to: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 7:20 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

no not yet, I have a headache and other pains so hoping pain relief might help. may have something soon, might do an online order cause pop didn't seem to impressed with what I cooked so didn't really eat it either anyway.

Do you want to talk more about what your new normal is looking like for you? change is hard even when its good it always still seems to be tricky.

In response to: Re: Darkness

Unknown userMember13 June 2020, 7:28 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

I would love to talk about with you but I don't want to burden you honey, with everything you have going on. @outlander it's not a good normal

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 7:30 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

your not burdening me @Former-Member I WANT to help you, if I didn't I wouldn't have offered

what is becoming your new normal? you say its not a good normal so I can probably relate to a lot of what you might say.

In response to: Re: Darkness

Unknown userMember13 June 2020, 7:43 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

I am not sure if you know what my purpose in this body is, I am the protector, the one who steps up when the body is in danger and that is what I have done for the last 40 odd years. I am struggling with not coping, I am not use to not being able to control what is happening in the body while I am out. Everyday starts with sh and ends the same way, tears and panic attacks, rage and anger, little one I am just not bulit this way but if I don't stay present in the body I fear the worse.

@outlander @Lee82

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 7:52 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

I know you are the protector @Former-Member im sure that's really tough to have on your shoulders all the time. You aren't perfect though, you will stumble every now and then. its normal. With everything that's going on with the others' including Izzy who would normally be a little more stable, it would be hard not to be struggling yourself.Trying to manage the sh urges, SI, emotions and keep everyone safe I imagine would be really difficult esp since that is your perceived and expected role.
Have you yourself considered seeking help to try and balance things out ? Im aware it might be abit difficult and that you have Sean around but im wondering if there is someone that you can just talk with yourself so you can get back to your protector self. Someone that you can talk to as Nikki and get that personalised support rather then all of your alters?
Sorry im not sure if that makes much sense 😬

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 8:14 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

u ok....? @Former-Member

In response to: Re: Darkness

Unknown userMember13 June 2020, 8:22 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

How did you get so wise @outlander ? It made perfect sense, I am just not use to asking for help or even needing it for that matter. I have struggle to type these last two posts as through my carelessness I manage to get Izzy's second warning and the thought of not being able to be here for any length of time scares the hell out of me. You all may not know exactly what Izzy has to deal with but you all understand the complications of mental health issues and the channelling's of just getting out of bed everyday. I have come to realise that the support, weather silent or not that we get from here has stopped the worse from happening more than once and that is something I just can't lose right now.

Sean understands my role and is very accepting of all of Izzy's alters and works dam hard to make everyone of us feel safe, loved and protected even me. He is the reason I was able to let my guard down and get the help I needed in the beginning. I talk to Izzy's counsellor as myself she is amazing. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am even complating hospital because of the SH and SI, it will impact our mental health a lot going because of past truma in a hospital but if it means we live......

Thank you for listening to this old girl rave on little one.

Mel, I really hope you are just relaxing with your brother and your night is going ok. love you @Lee82

In response to: Re: Darkness

Unknown userMember13 June 2020, 8:30 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Good evening @Former-Member

You post about Izzy's self harming and it is great concern to me and I am sure the forum members. It is extremely important that you do not try to protect her alone. It sounds like reaching out to the mental health and medical professionals that can offer the best opportunity for Izzy's safety, treatment and recovery is a necessary step.

Please take care

Whitehawk

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor13 June 2020, 8:33 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

its hard to ask for help when that's not normally something you would do @Former-Member as a protector its perceived as you having your sh*t together, the strong one, the brave one, the one who has everything under control. but.... even the strongest of people need support sometimes. sometimes asking for help is the bravest thing that you can do.

the good thing about here is you don't have to share every little thing that's happening in your life. sometimes its the silence that says the most.

im really glad that you have Sean and you yourself can talk to Izzys counsellor. that is a good start.

Im not entirely sure how DID works except with the alters and personalities. But I was thinking if maybe a 'what helps me cope' book for each alter would help?

So for example ill use Kimmy.
For her book you make it age suitable with simple sentences with pictures.

'When im angry I can..' 'When im sad I can..' make a scrapbook for each alter and under each of those sorts of 'when I am' headings put pictures (for kimmy and your other younger alters) and more dot point sentences for the older alters including one for yourself and what you find the most helpful and healthiest way to cope is.
often when we have something to look at and refer to it can help esp with the younger alters. maybe if they feel more in control it might take some of the pressure you?
I would be quite happy to help you out with thinking of some ideas if you would like to make one of these books. im sure I could find some examples too to help show what I mean.

In response to: Re: Darkness

Unknown userMember13 June 2020, 8:43 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Thanks for the comment @Former-Member , I take my role very seriously which is why hospitalization is on the cards. Izzy's ex husband is here 24/7 and rarely leaves our side, but he can't be there every minute of everyday so again that is why I am considering hospital but it's a last resort because of past trauma. I understand how concerning Izzy's sh and si could be for other members which is why I was reluctant to share in the first place. I just needed someone to hear me tonight, I can promise you that we are not in a crisis state at the moment and there is a plan in place and key words that will let Sean know things are out of control. Thank you for your concern. Nikki

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