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Hi, i have nobody i can really talk to, and hoping SOMEONE here might listen, help me sort it out.
Don't know what to do. Keep pretending everything is ok. but its not. Sometime i walk across the road from work for lunch, sit in the park but even there my mind messes with me and i drift reverse into an invisible tunnel and to world suddenly seems 100 miles away at the end of the tunnel so small. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my mind.
I am on contract in the outback,! nursing. I HATE myself for it but gor seduced by a much older married man, his wife gave me permission as they have this thing called an open marriage but its messing with my head. When i tell him i don't want to see him anymore he comes in as a patient requesting to see me. Or he'll turn up at church. I'm locked in this 12month contract in the middle of nowhere & so lonely & too ashamed to try tell a soul. And can't understand how i could defile myself with gum.
Work is stressful. Neurotic boss who hid e's s in her room. We live in the clinic, us 3 RNs. I put drips in, transport emergencies, suture wounds, take blood etc No dr in town. We talk with the flying doctor who comes to do a clinic once a fortnight.
I don't want to lose my job but i don't want to crack. Wish i could just fly away.
Thanks for your replies everyone, they're helping already i think. Apologies for multiple reposting the same. Having trouble getting it right. And its upsetting me, rehashing the content. Had a hard day at work today too so hope to sleep better tonight.No sleep isn't helping.
Please bare with me to clarify the situation:
Can't talk freely with lifeline, the walls here have ears & mobile reception is poor.
I'm so scared to talk about it even with a counsellor - everyone knows everyone and i feel so ashamed. Even if i went into the regional city, they know this man. I couldn't tell the minister, the situation is so complex. And the police, what!
Please Bare with me while i explain more:
Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the married man thing here, Frightened people will hate me, see me as a sl-t, bimbo, home wrecker... I don't know how it happened, well i do, but i don't, i'm messed up, i just hope you understand before you sling mud, so i can get strength maybe to run, he's ruining everything. I've been celibate for 5yrs, was a 'born again' christian & this is not who i am, i don't want this, all feels lost.
Guess I took this job running away from the big smoke & all the bad memories. Worked f/t shiftwork for 7yrs without taking much holidays. My messed up family have never been supportive.
Last year I started crying a lot, even at work, over 'nothing' sobbing, it was awful. I kept thinking I just had to tough it out, whatever it was (I'm not psych trained).
But Then. I made a big mistake at work that shattered my confidence to bits, I gave a patient x10 the amount of an IV drug, then realised the error on the final check, packing things away. Lucky there was an antidote. Work were good about it but it scared the hell out of me, that i could have k..... someone. I quit the job after a great 3yrs. Got another job that only lasted 4months after i took ill with bronchitis & a bad reaction to the bronchodilator tablets that made me hallucinate (another story). Being unemployed wasn't working, so when i was offered this job in the outback, a dream of mine, i grabbed it.
This soul destroying man, is 18yrs my senior, a local high school teacher come guidance counsellor (psych major), NLP qualified. He also taught community pottery classes & He's an elder in the church, giving sermons mind you.
With my crying ?depressinn resurfacing, i thought he'd be good to talk to, thats how it started i guess - on an emotional level. I trusted him because he was married, and because of his respectable standing in the local community, including church, and he knows everything, a walking encyclopedia, easy to talk to, and understanding. Not at all like my dad who bashed me.
I don't know how it progressed to physical, how stupid, its not me to let it become sexual. I hated men. Its like I'm in a trance with him. He always seems to waiting with open arms when i'm upset, like when my sister didn't want me on her bridal team at her wedding at easter. It really hurt. And He did threaten to stop seeing me if i didn't. Couldn't imagine him not being there, nothing seemed to matter anymore, but it seams to have sealed the bond & trapped me more, how stupid!. Its like that domestic violence trap, you here about, but without the bruises. I keep going back.
When i was sitting by the fast flowing muddy river yesterday, i had a dark thought that would stop it all. Crazy thoughts. When i was a young teen i was like this, & took an OD. I wonder if itz coming back again. How can i be saving lives, and be so good at it, when i'm secretly destroying my own life 😞
My employment contract has only 2months left so maybe wait. Don't really have anywhere else to go. It really feels empty, the thought of going.
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
If you feel you can wait it out @mandy84, we're with you .... it's your decision and only you understand the nuances involved in staying or going ....
I am guessing it has helped you to find a community of people, albeit anonymous and online, who are not judging you over what you did, and where you have found yourself as a result. I hope that has taken a burden off right there, and you are being a little more gentle with yourself .... that will be an important part of staying. You will need to be able to find some balance.
Two months sounds do-able, if your feelings are settling down a bit.
Remember that politeness is not just good manners. In dealing with a difficult in-law family, as they were in my early years of marriage, I learned that politeness can also be a shield, a socially acceptable mask to place between yourself and someone who is abusive towards you, even in passive-aggressive way. Politeness can't be faulted, and to respond aggressively, or try to push past a politely but firmly placed boundary is rudeness .... you are still being yourself, you are just less vulnerable with this shield in place, and it affords you privacy regarding who you choose to lower it for.
I am guessing you will be quite skilled as a nurse in using professionalism the same way. You may not have considered that you can use politeness in place of professionalism for the same sort of purpose in your private life.
These are just skills I have acquired that I hope can help you in your situation.
Can you begin applying for jobs somewhere else from now, so in two months time you will have more of an exit-plan in place ?
Take care 🌷
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Hi @mandy84,
Thanks for sharing more with us. I admire your courage in coming forward here to seek assistance. I feel only compassion for you.
I see that your situation is more complicated than I originally understood from your first post. I totally agree with @Faith-and-Hope that this man is a predator and I think you have realised that now too.
The earlier life experiences you have described are also very painful. These, combined with your mental health challenges along the way, have made you very vulnerable to manipulation by this man. Given this, I hope you will be able to feel compassion towards yourself about what has occurred.
There are a couple of things in your post that are especially of concern. Firstly, you say you keep going back to this man. This suggests to me that it might be ideal if you could indeed end your work contract early and leave this place altogether as soon as possible. I understand though if you feel unable to do that. The other concerning words in your post relate to the dark thought you had by the river. I hope you can see that a better alternative would be to leave and cut your professional losses to go on with your life anew elsewhere.
About Lifeline, just to let you know there is also an online chat service that is specifically geared towards crisis and suicide prevention. It is open 7 days a week between 7pm and 4am:
I am telling you about Lifeline, not to discourage you from posting here, but rather as an additional resource you can go to if you wish. The more support channels you have open to you at this time, the better.
Again, I agree with @Faith-and-Hope that it would be worth looking into where you may go once your contract ends, if not before. I'd also suggest that you plan for finding real life mental health support structures in this new place. You are going through something very difficult and would very likely benefit from counselling after you have been able to free yourself of this.
Please keep posting as you wish and need to. You will find support and compassion here regardless of what you decide to do. Once again, kindest wishes to you.
In response to: messed up, can't escape
mandy84Senior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Can't sleep again, but feel so much better than i did this time 24hrs ago. I was so appreciative especially of @Former-Member, last night, for chatting on my first reaching out here. Talking even when you were so tired & getting me to think of positive things. Really appreciate that, and even @plasmo weird "hoot hoot' you introduced A so well, made me smile.
AND @Mazarita, @Faith-and hope & @@hope77, all your posts are helpful too.
Nodding off sorry.
In response to: messed up, can't escape
rileySenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Hey mandy I agree with hope 77. There is such a demand for nurses. You will start your road to forgiveness and acceptance much quicker if you make a decision now and leave, it wont be escaping it will be a empowering decision
In response to: messed up, can't escape
mandy84Senior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Well, HERE'S A CLANGER FOR YA, I'M PREGNANT!!! Here i am working for the church, and single, burned all my bridges getting out of Sydney, new to town, no close friends. Not ready for a baby but maybe this little life is meant to be here in the world since it broke through contraception. I really love babies, miss working with them in obstetrics. Don't know what to do, who to go to. Even God seems far from me (wonder why, not!). Got some time with the father on the weekend, him, and did tell him. Can't explain why i love him so much. He went quiet a while & changed the subject, can you believe he changed the subject??? Oh God what have i got myself into. Who is this man? Its been bothering me since and this morning, he drops by work, and hands me a grand to get rid of it. :(. Seriously wondering who needs to be 'got rid of' her.
The mods don't like me me being 'real' here so its hard to feel adequate support when i have to leave out important facts. Just wanted to tell someone apart from him. I vowed I would never have a TOP, but then again, never thought sx immortality was me either. Who am I. What future does a child have if i can't get the basics right. The rivet is looking pretty good atm. Can't think straight. Please be straight with me. I'm sooo confused. Who am I? Well, had my coffee & clinic is on so better go do my thing. Thanks for being here.
In response to: Re: messed up, can't escape
rileySenior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
HI @mandy84 who is the father? is it the older guy? confused!!!
In response to: messed up, can't escape
mandy84Senior Contributor
Re: messed up, can't escape
Yes Riley, its him, the older guy, there's nobody else, i'm not promiscuous, he's the first in 7yrs, because i became a christian & was waiting for mr right, i hate myself, who are you?
In response to: messed up, can't escape
Unknown userMember
Re: messed up, can't escape
Hi Mandy. You shouldn't feel guilty. I've made plenty of mistakes and you need to forgive yourself. It's awful to hear that this guy is married, a high school teacher and worst of all calling himself a Christian and preaching, etc. Oh my gosh! This guy really neefs to reported, but it sounds like you're worried that they won't believe you. But perhaps he's done this before and if you feel strong enough, he needs to be exposed. If he's taken advantage of you, he's probably done it before and will probably do it to another person. I've heard of this sort of thing going on alot in the church and it's awful that these guys are getting away with it. I don't mean to pressure you Mandy. I really hope that you can forgive yourself. Don't let this destroy you. Can you get out of the contract at work? It would be great if you could move away from there and start over again. A fresh start would be great for you. New friends, new church etc. Please let me know how you're going. 😊❤
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