Numb again

Yeah it is hard @Lee82 Have you got a list of things you can do or a coping box to distract you when they happen?

Back is sore but I am more comfortable than when I was at work.

I try and identify things around the room. I try and distract my thoughts by counting or saying the alphabet. Just something easy that I can remember without really thinking. I pretty much become frozen so can't walk around so I just try and touch things that surround me and if Boris is around I give him a big hug.
@Zoe7

They are all really good things to do @Lee82 I find blowing bubbles really helpful - and of course Tobes loves them too so it becomes a game between us. It is certainly times like this that you would be missing Boris so much.

Bubbles sound like a great idea. Lots of fun. You can even get coloured ones these days.
my tools help but are short lived most of the time. I just can't seem to control it for very long. It gets very tiring.
@Zoe7

I also have a fidget spinner that is great for both touch and sight @Lee82 That and bubbles are my best tools ...and of course cuddling Toby. My fidget spinner is within arms reach so I don't even need to move to grab it - it is great for focussing on one thing and it is not always about distracting from the thoughts but letting them play out - acknowledging they are there and then moving through them. This is a really hard skill to learn though and has taken me years to get to a stage that I can do it most of the time. That does not mean there are times I am overwhelmed - that still happens but nowhere near as frequent as they used to be,

Can I ask you a pretty tough question? You don't need to answer it I will completely understand if you don't @Zoe7

Go aheah Hon - I will answer if I can @Lee82

Am I going to have to deal with all this MH stuff for the reset of my life on some sort of level? Flashbacks, triggers, anxiety depression PTSD.
@Zoe7

That is a really hard question to answer @Lee82 because everyone is different in what they experience, how they experience it and how we handle it. I can only talk from my perspective and experience. For me it is definitely an ongoing concern and triggers, flashbacks and nightmares persist - even though they are much better than they were. Part of that is being able to work through things I can do for myself when they happen and being more mentally (and physically) capable of doing that. I will not lie - it is a long and often painful process to get to the stage I am at - and many, many times I did not think I would ever get to this stage or survive. I have worked extremely hard on pulling myself back up - that is something I had to do for myself - no-one can do that for you - but it is also imperative that you have the right support whilst you are doing that. Life is a lot easier for me now but there is always in the back of my mind - will I fall that far again? The answer to that is probably but hopefully if I do then I can also pull myself back out of it too. There are also some pretty big warning signs for me if that is beginning to happen and recognising them and doing something about it as soon as I see thst happening is super important to stop that slide.

So to answer your question more simply Hon - yes you probably will have to deal with this all longer term but the severity of it all, the impact it has on you and the way you cope can change ...for the better. I think we learn to work our way around these things and put in place things that help alleviate the pain and impact. Now it feels like nothing will ever change and no amount of therapy, care or support will help - but it does ...and part of that is caring for yourself. When we turn that corner, realise we have some worth in this world and deserve help then we are well on the way to a happier and more productive us.

Mental Health is not just about 'getting over' all the triggers, flashbacks and nightmares but looking at the whole of us - where we fit into this world, what we can do for ourselves, what we want to achieve and how we can get there. Getting back to work was a major driving force for me but we all need to find our own goal, our own reason to hold on and our own reason to move forward.

Thank you for answering that Question @Zoe7 I really appreciate it and thank you for your very detailed answer. I think I struggle with this notion a lot because right now it doesn't feel like it will get any better than this and the hope it will is slowly diminishing.
I have a lot of anger lately for those who are the ones who made me this way. I regret not making them pay and I have a lot of anger towards myself for allowing it to happen. I punish myself a lot but they are not being punished and that pains me a lot. They are living a happy healthy life with their families and I am sinking lower into my dark hole.
mmmm...I'm sorry @Zoe7 I am probably not the best person to be talking to right now as I am not in the best of places. Sorry for being so dark. I will understand if you need a break from me. 💜