Numb again

Everyone here are very understanding and I'm sure you won't hurt anyone. You are just expressing your thoughts feelings and emotions and there is nothing wrong with that.
@Pollyotter

I definitely hear you @Lee82 been there and know just how enormously hard it is. I think we have discussed this before but it is the little things that we need to hold onto. You have your kids and that is awesome because they give you that little bit of drive to continue each day. When we are in this position it is about others because we have no care, concern or will for ourselves - so just as you are holding onto appointments for your son before you can possibly go to hospital - we can hold onto that hope for you until you can find it yourself ...and there is hope Hon - you just cannot see it presently through the darkness Walking with you, holding your hand and gently squeezing it to know we are here

Thank you so much for your kind words @Zoe7 it means a lot to me. I am so lucky to have found all this wonderful support here as I have zero in my life ie family and friends. Sometimes it would be nice if I had someone to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok even if I don't think it will be.
having people here holding onto hope for me is comforting because I definitely don't have any for myself and knowing others believe in you is something.
@Zoe7

It is more than just words too @Lee82 Part of my 'recovery' has been finding that hope for myself and knowing that I have done the work to get through. It is wonderful having that support around us but without that hope for ourselves there seems to be no point seeking help - you are doing tht and that is the first step to finding tht hope for yourself.

How do you find hope @Zoe7 ?

I don't think you 'find' it @Lee82 - it just comes. I literally woke up one day and there it was. I had done a hell of a lot of work to get to that stage though - and I will not lie - some of it was very, very hard but through everything I went through there were so many people holding on for me when I didn't think I could myself. I guess what I am saying is that HOPE is not something you strive for, search for or work towards - it is a feeling you have when you can see for yourself how far you have come and how incredibly hard you have worked yourself to get there ...it needs to come from within but it really was the little things that for me showed me hope ...getting out to the beach again, not waking up everyday wanting to end it, actually sleeping through the night without nightmares, flashbacks sunsided ...and yes sooo many others supporting me throughout. Hope is a state of feeling, of being and of thinking - all coming together in that one instance where we can truly say we are alive.

@Zoe7

@Lee82

i miss beig me...

i miss having the arms of a loving woman

I miss waking up and getting up thinking it will be a good day.

I miss trusting my partner with my whole being

I just want to be myself again

I used to smile just because.

Last night I almost did it again

side note I just fuigered out my laptop has a touch screen... How slow am I

I have been talking to a minster and she says such nice things but i struggle to belive her

I just seems so overwhelming @Zoe7

I hear that you have come a very long way Zoe and have been through hell and back. I commend you. You are amazing my friend. 💕

Hearing you @Pollyotter

I did giggle at your touch screen though - that was funny

We are all amazing @Lee82 No one more or less than anyone else - just different Hon

@Zoe7

@Lee82

is it normal to fear a head doc appointment that is 2 days away...

She is super lovly I just dont know why I am scared of her as she has not done anything for me to fear her.

in the closet i go. just dont tell the LGBTQ folk