World caves in

Hi @Redraw

It's nice to 'meet' you. I've only just found this discussion and, like others, am blown away by your writing ability. It's really heart breaking though - to read what you've experienced.

I'm not sure if something happened yesterday to prompt your last response. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

I hope it's at least a small comfort that you matter here. You have received a lot of thoughtful responses from other members - and I hope that gives you an indication that people here care.

There are many people in this community who have been or who are going through similar pain to you and who want a real connection. I hope you find their support and encouragement helpful and that you find the connection you're looking for.

Dec: how I write is not a structured thing much like when I draw, I am not trained in either I just work from the fingertips as I tend to put it it's like a connection that in some cases seems to transcend the actual thought pattern, a single word or line begins a journey of heart to flesh to paper or in this case screen, it's writing developing a picture from words I try to do much like trying to create a story from a drawing, I am limited by my motivation and excess of details which people respond to and knowing I have been noticed in some small way is nice to know, sadly in the real world I go unnoticed not even a shadow on the wall. To quote hitchhiker so guide to the Galaxy, actually I I believe it was the resteraunt at the end of the universe, ford describes a spaceship as an SEP also known as 'someone else's problem' that thing you that you see in the corner of your eye but otherwise is invisible.

nik: as for when things happened I mentioned some in previous musings but it's been pretty consistent over the last couple of decades or more, and I remember every, abuse, every laugh of derision, every humiliation, every lie, every betrayal with perfect clarity, I used to take away such pains with alcohol but I had to get rid of that poisoning myself with chemical did nothing, so I stopped many things I reacted to differently than most, much like emotions I feel nothing or I feel a tidal wave, I never wanted much in this world I care not for money, material possessions, I care not for lust without love. I have been stripped by people of all my humanity left with only pain, I receive no human contact as if I am a leper or worse, I don't know why I am looked on with such disdain, when I would give away anything and everything to make another person happy even if that was a stranger.

Pandora's box was opened all the evils released, only hope remained but hope was locked away within the box never to be seen, as a species we seem to be de-evolving at an alarming rate, people are becoming little more than simple predatory animals living on base instincts and drives. I seek substance in an endlessly shallow world

I appreciate your replies everyone

Once upon a time there was compassion, devotion, love, I dream of the days past long long ago, when there was consequences for actions, when people cared and felt for one another, when things made sense, when the quick and easy wasn't the only course, when a persons heart had value above and beyond the materialistic.

I have been called many things for my beliefs some attacking my very nature, some attacking my sexuality, some merely pathetic ramblings of people of insecurity, I have suffered abuses of many kinds with no person or people to help, I have fought these constant battles alone cause people only care when there is a gain for them then when there is nothing more to take from me, they turn their backs and leave me with nothing.

i fear the emptiness that my life is and will be cause I am I don't know how people see me, but however they do they never choose to see the real me, probably of limited loss to them, it's me looking for the depth of an ocean in an ever drying puddle.

i just wish someone could show me that there is more, that people aren't all monsters but perhaps it's to much of a stretch,

@Redraw

It doesn't matter how people see you - it only matters how you are - and no one can ever know the real "us" because of the layers of time and change, culture - and all the varying things that happen to us and to other people and how the media affects us

Even if climate change makes the oceans dry up or freeze over - they are there right now - and we will be long gone before it matters to us today - even for another century - or millenium -

We only have right now - that is all we have

And we are the person we are whatever other people think or see

How can I show you more? I am not a monster - I have made mistakes in my life - I have suffered - one of my children is dead - and yet I see a light within

Can you see that?

If you only see monsters - what are you thinking of the people you feel think so badly of you? Are we monsters too?

I refused to have such apocalyptic visions - people can be monstrous but there are few monsters

People can be self-centred - but they are so interested in themselves rather than you - or for that matter - any of us

But that first paragraph - no THAT is a fine piece of writing - there is insight there - and people do have to feel the consquences of their actions, many care for one another and the human heart does have values beyong the materialistic

For some reason I do not understand I am driven to reply to what I feel is the writing of someone in the abyss - and if we stare to long into the abyss - it stares back into us

The world is better than this - the people in these forums are not at all hard and thoughtless - they are suffering - like you - like me

Decadian

In here as in any virtual environment we are only part of us in some cases a very deep part we don't show to the world unless someone in it cares to see so deep, we can be a lot more than the masks we wear in the dark we can only see so much, shadows become monsters, lights show things unseen, hidden corners hide beasts of many breeds.

Do I see everyone in the world as monsters...............no, do I see more of a person than most when looking upon them yes, some have called me psychic but I am nothing like that I just see all manner of things within a persons eyes, words, and body language in groups more than my mind can handle the things I see create images and in some regards these can haunt me and do forevermore. I have seen and known many monsters not by my own choice but by my own luck or lack thereof, I have also seen many that may not reach the level of monster but to my heart and mind are still demonic, perhaps it is me that is the monster, the freak, the lunatic because I do not release my beliefs for my own self gratification.

As for the people here I can say nothing, everyone seems nice and compassionate and that shows some but never can we compare the virtual and the reality of the really real world in the really real world I have only seen and been given pain one day I hope to meet people and hopefully a love that can show me that the corruption the evil that lies within the hearts of men (men being gender neutral) is not all there is.

i wish only to share my heart, body, soul and love with a woman that can see something worth holding within me.

I would love to answer that @Redraw

Right now I can only comment on one part - and ask - kindly - if you want to have a complete relationship with a woman - when you see so many shadows - can such a person really exist?

If she can accept you with all the doubt about the world that haunts your - she would have to be very special and might exist - but how will you know?

The world does haunt us - it does cut - but not everything is that way

In the way people think you are psychic I experience life in the same way - hard to describe - I know

And here's the thing - in every thing we read - there is something that takes place - we can never interpret exactly what is meant in writing - the technical term is "misprision" or more easily - "mis-reading" - it takes place when people speak too - but in the world where we can see faces and body language we are often in the position of asking a person what they mean - etc

Why am I drawn to reply to you? I think I really feel for you and I am trying hard to understand your apprehension in the real world - and explain - it's not that bad

The world can hurt - and it hurts people who are outgoing as much as it does the shy

But there are also people who are very kind and honest - but you have to overcome your shyness and go out and find out

My best thoughts are for you

Decadian

I don't hide away as much as some would think, nor do I speak or think in judgments, I am quite accepting of most people and would not turn a person away even most those that have damaged me, I am mr nice guy, naive yes, but would give all for near anyone which along with my all or nothing bizarre emotions is somewhat to my detriment.

i do see many shadows but I don't jump at most of them, I don't push people away, though I couldn't tell if I was liked if someone held up a sign

I am very glad to read this - it's hopeful

Hello @Redraw

I also feel very vulnerable and used by people and I dont know how to stop it. I know that I am oversensitive and try and make sure I dont overreact. Surely senstivity can be a good thing.

I dont want to betray my ideals I dont want to become like those who hurt or are cruel to those who are in pain. I do want to remember anything good that has happened to me. Like one of my foster fathers taught me how to polish my school shoes ... it is mundane and boring but it set up one little habit in me that was productive from a young age. I would watch the dried leather take in the nourishment of the polish ... There were other parts to that person that were not that nice ... he was gnarly and a bit rough ... anyway I see mostly a mix of attributes in people ...

I try not to idealise ... or monsterise ... them.

Your stream of consciousness writing is very evocative.

As @Decadian said some of it is from the abyss, but you also have a lot of yearning in it ... for social justice, goodness and a good woman ...

these things all seem to be delicate ...