World caves in

If I can draw I draw, if I can write I write, distractions can be good but sometimes it's hard to find that motivation and focus, what gets to me the most I think is the fact that if the last 36 years are anything to go by I will never know love physical, emotional or otherwise, friends limited at best very limited I don't know I am probably not well liked might help to explain the first bit to, but I guess I just have to accept my place, I have no idea what it is, possibly sucker, fool or nieve idiot, I wish things made sense to me but I guess with Aspergers, panic disorder, depression, chronic fatigue, a disability pension, means I am the least valuable 36 year old on the planet, oh I have many good points and could list them, but being a good, warm hearted, compassionate, honourable, selfless, honest, helpful, affectionate (I think, yet to be given a chance to be proven) intelligent-ish, these are things that are meaningless cause everything is to much of a rush so I have been left behind wanting to actually know/care about people foolish ignorance that just gets you used and left broken in the gutter as they walk away laughing at you. so little to hold on to, people with more to hold have fallen yet I remain, so I can't be weak can I perhaps just dumb

I can't count the amount of times I have felt detached from society because I feel I have so much more to offer than what people see or appreciate. It's not a good place to be. And you feel stuck there.. Because society won't change, and you don't want to? Why should you?

I don't know if that's your experience but it certainly has been mine.

I guess I still feel that way some times? But the times when I am at my best, is when I realise how little I care for other peoples opinions. I do things that increase my confidence and efficacy in myself, and feel secure in the knowledge that I am a good person and worth respect and appreciation.

Based on what you said, I feel like you know those things but you don't necessarily believe them? I don't know how much my word is worth, but it's always interesting and enjoyable reading your posts on the Forums I'm glad you're here and a part of the SANE family. You do truly have a gift for writing and it's always a pleasure and a privilege witnessing someone use their gifts the way you do here. It wouldn't be the same without you!

Things that are within me my nature, my morality, my strengths I believe these without an issue, as for what others think of me well it would be nice to have some people or at least someone think a lot of me instead progressive emptiness, most people my age and much younger have friends, partners, kids, and whatever else while I am not even a "blip" and let's see I have hmmmmmmmm yeah nothing to show for my years, so yeah there is some well reinforced ignoring or humiliation, but I am still and always will be a good person

Hello @Redraw How did your walk go?

Was it a town walk or a country walk?

I have been stuck inside in my dressing gown ... things are a bit depressed at home ...

my son forgot my invitation to go to the movies .. today ... I believe he genuinely did forget ... but I am trying the dance of 'not being a nagger' but 'being available' but not 24/7 for ever ... he has to figure a few things out ... I dont want to kick him out ... but I just told him that if I was enabling him to avoid life and the world by providing a room .. I should not do that ...

My situation is not quite the same as yours .. but still tough.

Tomorrow planning to bring a plate for a social with a group of old "homies" (people that were wards of the state) that I belong to.

With all respect ... to @Former-Member I think society does change ... it can seem monolithic ... the govt & the church & the masses are all different groups that seem monolithic ... but they are not ... just like a grain of sand can wear away a hole in a rock ... things can change.

its about getting a bit of purchase on your own slab of rock... or grinding out a curvey cosy cave ... if you dont mind sleeping on the floor ...

I am dreadfully wounded from my attempts to socialise @Redraw.. but mostly it is others' ignorance& pain that has caused my pain .. and I am getting quicker at realising and licking my wounds and lifting my head up. For the about 15 years I walked with my head hanging ... and in a uni tute a lecturer asked me, why I always covered my mouth when I spoke .. at that time I did not realise and was mortified .. had no reply and said little from then on .. but it was true .... I did do that .. others more comfortable with themselves would have picked up heaps ofsimilar body language from me ...

I never fit 100% into any group ... the homies I am visiting tomorrow ... are diverse ... and i take comfort from their company and stories ... it is all stories of hardship ... hard yakka ... trauma .. eg., the 13 yo put out to do farm work ... but i also know there are a few who were treated the same way that did not make it like my brother and sister ...

the 13 yo I am talking about is a generation older than me .. my situation seemed better than his .. my work not so back breaking ...and the kids of more recent generations seem to have it easier ... but not really .. he does not ram that down our throats .. we bond on what we share .. standards of living do change .. I was working and even paying tax at .. my mother got me a job under a false name ... and told me not to claim my tax at the time ... lol ... what do ya do .. my family was poor enough to need it .. so I am ok with that ...the govt also had me use other people's names when i lived with my fosters ... but I remember feeling something strange when I was in year 10 at school and I filled my first tax return out on our new/old kitchen table .. however I did not join all those dots (re child exploitation and legalities) for a very long time.... certainly never challenged mother about it.

That is about me .. sorry I rambled on ..

how long you been living in your area ... ... have you lived elsewhere ?? Where would you prefer to be ??

sorry if it is rude to ask questions ...

Apple

I love that metaphor @Appleblossom what a beautiful and hopeful way to look at things

I am not afraid of questions, ask anything you like, if I know the answer I will answer completely honestly, ok so I may not give my bank details or what not but 99% of things I will answer, then again bank details well what's the worst that could happen you couldn't take anything out unless you put money in it hahahaha.

i have lived here nearly 6 months it is a preferred location as I can get around here without much anxiety as apposed to where I used to live where I would barely leave the house at all, walked to the closest beach which is close, i may get sunburned in four fifths of a second but I grew up here and I know here, where I go from here I don't know maybe I stay maybe I go I don't know.

as for society, society is in constant flux, some become more bold, some break under the strain some just fail to understand, there's a movie called idiocracy that I feel speaks to what we are/have become.

im a fool people want one person after another, they want a procession of lovers they care not for the harm they are doing, they care not about anything but themselves, I don't belong in this world perhaps there was a time I did or could of but I doubt it, my strength is in a vestigial organ that being the heart.

i don't belong, I shouldn't be, no one wants me here or needs me here, unless I just exist to suffer

Idiocracy ..even just the word made me laugh @Redraw.. i'll ask my son if WE are allowed to see it .. he has standards about directors ...

I have often lived near the beach .. atm it is ony a 10 min ride to a beach if I need it ...

"I am a critter of the litoral zone" .. my father taught me to love Aus landscapes and took me to the beaches around Port Jackson for a couple of years.

In year 12 I did a big project on sand movement at my local beach ... @Former-Memberits just the gee gee .. in me ... geologist ... but then I switched to literature .. cos I was scared off by the horde of private school boys in my tutes going gung ho for big mining bikkies ...

Yes @Redraw society is a lot more in flux.

We do have to own when we are putting our self down .. than when others are doing it ... like I say I am treated like dirt .. it plays into all my feelings of worthlessness .. and is evocative .. and may well be true .. but I am not a piece of dirt ... I say that its just as bloody well I did geology cos I know how dirt is supposed to behave ... I am moving through my anger ...

maybe I will make a pearl in a shell ... my dad carried around a big pearl shell for a while in his last year ... he was very locked up in his head .. I would have loved to talk more to him .. but mother wouldnt let me .. then he was locked up for a bit and then he died.

So I row with the oars I have got .. are there any social movements that interest you??

I am surrounded by beaches but the closest is like 10 mins walk if that, and there is a lot of variety in beaches could go to surf beaches, or placid beaches, idiocracy I enjoy as a social commentary much like the abc series utopia it's the accuracy that's scary.

Any social movements that could intrigue me?

Sounds like a glorious place to live @Redraw

I took my other little sister hitching up to Eden .. when hitching was a bit more respectable .. maybe ?? .. I am not the one to judge respectability .. lol .. on the way, before Lake Tyers, we camped on a gorgeous sandbar and backwater location just with hordes of pelicans and a huge goanna for company .. I was petrified of the goanna .. kept me up all night .. whose blooody idea was that? Oh mine ... so I put up with it... she was 18 and I was 22 .. got her to Eden and back home safely... pity .. now I only have the photographs of the trip.

As kids we did some hitching round some of the beaches were a bit far to walk to, see wallabies down on the beach close by, they stand and sorta stare at you it's quite amusing. I am scared, terrified, I wake sweating bullets my heart beating out of my chest, I am scared of being alone like this forever, I could disappear right now and it could be months before it would even be noticed by anyone, that shows how much I matter, how much I mean, it hurts and it's scary, I don't know how or why I hold on I don't know how long I can.