Taking charge of my well being!

Good evening All,

this weekend has given me space to become calm and centred. I had a to-do list, which I will tick off at some point in time, but I really enjoyed looking after myself this weekend and treating myself to a couple of seated meditations, day time naps, good food, encouraged by the pampering challenge somewhere else, I had a long hot shower and really took care of my body. I finally tried the expensive tea I bought months ago at T2 and love the smell in the kitchen and its sweet natural taste.

I am listening to "The mindful path to self compassion", I am in the early chapters yet, but I have been thinking about mindfulness for a while and the way I treat myself, mentally and physically. I am looking at my coping mechanisms, and whilst they still work perfectly, they are all self destructive. Somehow I think I turned a corner the other day. Whether the meds are finally working the right way or I have come to accept myself a little better, I am not sure what it is, but today I feel really good.

I wish you all a lovely evening and a stressfree week.

A stormy night, both in outside and in my heart.

I feel like giving up. Pandora's box was opened long ago, but I am still surprised about the little memories that can pop out unannounced.

So I have two choices now. I can go and see one of my support team, call a helpline (which I did last night), live with the fact that other people make decisions for me (and pretend they are mine), like changing my meds or taking me to hospital.

Or I can say, I am sorry that I never had time to grief about my grandad and write it on my to-do list for another day. I have his picture in my head now, but I remember him alive, I have never thought about the horrible way he died and what he thought about in his final moments. I loved him very very much.

I've put it on my list.

I wanted to take charge of my well being. So I will now have a healthy breakfast, shower and drive to work, listening to pop music. I know the routine of work helps me.

It is so hard to do this, every single day.

On my screen is a post it: Remember: little by little, day by day.

Hi @Former-Member

I am just beginning to see the difficulties and loss and grief in your life. Have you got a scrapbook going for the ones you have lost in your life? It seems to have been and is still so very difficult living with so much pain of so much loss. I admire and respect that although you suffer through this you turn it around to do the things you need to to keep going everyday, always with hope and often faith that it will get better. Keep going @Former-Member. It's the strength of you and others like you that are making me more resilient. 😊💜

Hi @Former-Member

Sometimes I just don't know what to reply to people's posts.

I have just read your post and I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Sending you hugs and love xxxooo

Take care 🙂

Good morning @Former-Member

It is really a good idea to take charge of your own well-being - it takes forethought and responsibiltiy - and if there are any mistakes - and we all make them - they are our mistakes and we are entitled to feel any way we choose about them

Taking care of your well-being is something to do gradually - changing habits is hard work - but yes - eating good food and resting when you are tired and allowing yourself to meditate or day-dream or zone-out or whatever you find helpful - is helpful - and don't take too much notice of what other people tell you - including what I am writing right now - do what you feel will help you the most

Now your Grandad - yes - they are precious people - I never met one of mine - he died from war-related TB - the other one of war-related lung damage too - when my son - his first great-grandchild - was an infant - and I was the last person in my family to see him

And these memories are precious - each in their own way to every person

Having notebooks for each of the people in your life who have died is not something I have done - but I have kept scrap books - and you can do this - and they will be precious - not only to you - but to those who follow you - keep them

All the best with taking care of yourself - it is a big thing to do - and it is the best of good things to do

Decadian

Hi @BlueBay

You have a lot on your mind to worry too much about other people's posts right now

But your response to @Former-Member's post was perfect - kind and thoughtful and honest

And I hope you have a successful day at the clinic too - make the most of it and be sure to tell your team how you are feeling

This is you taking care of your well-being now

Decadian

@Decadian

Thanks for writing to me

I'm really sad and down, i am anxoius about art therapy. All i wnt to do is go there and cry.

actually all i want to do is go away.

i don't know what i want anymore.

i am sorry, this is wrong of me posting on here.

OK, I will try to have a good day at the hospital. i will do my best to go into art therapy and try.

thank you so much @Decadian xxxooo

i feel like i have a friend here who really understands me. some of my 'close friends' have no clue on how to treat people with MI.

let you all know how i go today when i come home.

hope you have a nice day

There is no need to worry @BlueBay

I have been reading your posts and I am not caught up in the middle of all your anguish - so I can see more clearly what is happening in your life

And you are very much in the position of needing to be told what to do - which is not wrong - and nothing you have written is wrong - you are in a very bad place right now

But you know you are an adult - and people will not tell your what to do unless you are in a position where you can't make up your own mind - and I doubt you want that anyway - you still have enough sense of yourself to take each day - as rotten as it is - and live it - as rotten as it is

I almost feel as if I know you - probably I don't - but maybe - I see more of your inner life because you are so honest with your writing here - and it is not wrong to write it here - that is what these forums are for

Do you know I sat here on Saturday using the weather as an excuse not to go and book my flight to Canberra - and my back was aching so I went to sleep in the afternoon and slept a long time and didn't eat the meal I had prepared for myself ealier - didn't even get dressed on Sunday - felt the cold creeping into my bones - and yesterday spent most of the day watching DVDs - and I behaved like this to survive the winter solstice - today is the shortest day - and the approaching anniversary of my son's death - and somehow did - and I have no one to account to - my life goes on whatever happens - and pushing myself is the worst thing I can do to myself

And today - after being seriously unhappy - not depressed - I know the difference - I can share this - and I want to share it - because life can be so crappy at times - it can just be one darned thing after another

I seem to remember one of your doctors saying in what seemed to me a dismissive way about your mother and her nasty behaviour, not seeing your dad and work problems and money problems - no mention of your husband spending so much time with his mother -

And this came over to me as being harsh - he may have been playing the Devil's Advocate - sort of stirring you up to get a reaction - and yes - you son is going away - and I understand that all of this is a huge thing - or a bunch of things which is more than you can deal with

But here's a thing - today is the shortest day - and for some reason all my life I have found things easier once we reach this day - and last night there was a full moon and that can make us feel pretty rotten at times - and I don't dismiss these things

And you do have a massive load of stuff to carry around. No one can lighten this for you

You are probably at the outpatients clinic by now - but I guess you will check you phone - please tell the people there just how bad you feel - and maybe they will take over for a little while - if that burden you have is too much - and don't forget about sickness benefits

Do what you know is right for you - you keep saying you need to get away - I know this feeling well - I don't have to feel this way now - but when my son was alive - I wanted to get away a lot

And - although I say so much about my son and how it affected me - no one's problems can be compared to another's - it's not even one size fits all - it's everyone has a different size.

I know you will do your best and and you will be in my thoughts today

Decadian

Good evening All and big hugs to everybody!

@Former-Member Thank you so much for your message. I think everyone in life suffers, and I would be thrilled if you gain some resilience by reading other people's journey. You have such a tough journey yourself! I have no scrapbook for the people I lost, mainly because I just had to move on. It took me many years to look at my wedding photos, as my Dad died only a few months later. I struggle to face the loss. I don't think I know how to let go. The scrapbook I'm planning at the moment is about the people here & now, the ones that I want to continue living for. How was your day?

@BlueBay Thank you so much for the hugs and for just thinking of me. Like @Former-Member both of your lives are incredibly difficult as well and I think just knowing that there are others out there, who understand the daily struggle is help in itself. Did you manage to go to hospital today and how was art therapy? Do you get some relief from doing art therapy? How is it and what else do you do for a day at hospital? I'm thinking of you too and I do hope that your day improved.

@Decadian Thank you for all your suggestions. I really believe it is a lot of trial and error to find out what works. Work really did the trick and distracted me straight away. I might struggle to get out of bed and get myself look half decent, but once I get going... Also tried one of my strategies this morning of doing work calls on my long trip to work so I have no time to ruminate in the car.

I am sorry you never met one of your grandads, too many people died in that war. And they carried their wounds with them for the rest of their lives. I always admired the strength of my family and what they had gone through in life. My Dad said to me, that my generation is so different to any others, as we do not know what hunger is and what it is like to walk through the rubbles of war.

I will be thinking of you and the upcoming anniversary of your son's death. No parent should outlive their children, this is the greatest losses of all,my heart goes out to you. I give you a big hug.

@Former-Member@BlueBay @Decadian

I did do the right thing by going to work, was distracted most of the time. I did a quick walk in the sunshine - finally we have some sunshine - and then met with my social worker where I just cried and cried.

At home I watched "The Briefcase" from yesterday and cried some more about the horrible situations people are going through and the kindness they were showing for eachother. We should have more shows like that on TV, that give us an insight into people's daily struggles and the difference kindness can make. I suddenly felt reminded how very lucky I am.

When I went for my walk in the sunshine I thought some more of my grandad and I felt that I am determined to get through this and to live my life, as I have the opportunity to live my life. I was always grateful for having my life, celebrating each birthday with full heart and spirit as I lost so many people at young age. I always felt it was my duty to live my life to the fullest, to honour my time on earth. I lost this believe in February when I first made a plan to end my life. Since I have been telling myself I am living for other people. I hope this inert feeling of honouring my time on earth will stay with me, at least for a while. And when it leaves me again I have my preventation plan with my "last resort" reason to live.

I am all emotional tonight and will take a higher does (prescribed as required) and hope for a restful sleep.

One thing I would like to apologise in advance is that I do not read every post on this forum. I sometimes get triggered by posts, so I have learnt to be careful. So I apologise if I miss one of your posts where you are in need and do not respond, but believe me, I am thinking of you all!

Big hugs to all of you and I hope you had at least one moment today where you enjoyed a beautiful flower, a look at the sunset, a nice cup of tea...

Hi @Former-Member

I wrote a poem on my art therapy session today.

I was at the hospital all day - 10.30 till 4.30pm. The first group was 'how to make changes' - i found this session very intense. The psychologist was talkingn about ways to change and we had to pair up with another person and talk about stuff - something i hate doiong. I really hate when we have to pair up. That's just not me!!!

I also wrote about my day in another thread, but i can't remember where i wrote it now!!! When i find it i will let you know, unless you find it before me!! I just can't remember.

I'm a bit tired tonight, i think the whole day at group therapy is exhausting.

Hope @Former-Member you get to have a good night sleep.

take care xxxooo