"Why do you stay?" the triumphs and challenges in maintaining relationships with people we care for. *CLOSED*

Yes Eagle, I'm on line tonight. Thank you for thinking of me.

This is a subject very close to me. I've been asked several times why I stay, why I put up with, etc. I've even been asked by my husband.

The answer, for me, is simple. I love him and I'm not prepared to give up on us, on our marriage, on our life together.

I didn't give up and move out when he had to have open heart surgery and spent 5 weeks in Prince of Wales Hospital (cranky and irascible because of post-operative pain followed by the boredom of forced inactivity), or when he was irascible and depressed by severe joint pain which resulted in him having two total knee replacements. Nor did I give up on him when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I'm not about to leave him because he has been diagnosed with PTSD.

If you "put up with, stay with" etc for a physical injury/illness why would you leave someone for a mental illness?

I don't address anyone else's issues here, or offer advice. I can't. I can only speak for myself.

My husband isn't abusive in any of the accepted definitions of the word. He would be horrified by the very thought that he could be regarded as abusive. He spent the last six years of his working life defending against domestic violence/abuse.

Yes, he can be (and often is) difficult to deal with (put up with) at times but this isn't a 24/7 issue. Name me any couple who don't have highs and lows in their relationship, any family that doesn't have highs and lows in their lives.

JT

I think your point about evolving resonates for me, it takes flexability within this confine to make the distance.

Haha

Good on you for being firm and sticking to your 'personal values.' Sometimes I know that i think I know what's best but other times I think I make my decisions based on guilt.

Did you feel guilty? How did you manage that?

Can I ask...if people have been asked this question, 'why do you stay?', if the question has actually provided clarity for yourself?

Beautifully put Cazzie. I think people forget that this is a MI issue not one of domestic violence.

JT I have found that "personal values" is really important.

Luckily my partner & I share similar personal values (maybe that's why we go good together) so if things aren't going well, we can articulate what's wrong by linking it with our personal values & how it's impacting a particular value. Even though it's all very personal.. it actually makes the conversation abit more objective.

...if that makes sense?

If I let it the guilt would take over I'm sure. That's the bit where learning to let it go comes in handy. Otherwise it festers inside and grows until it explodes. I do however allow myself the occassional crying fit because that I think is a healthy part of being human.

@karma No, I don't think it has for me. While the question doesn't offend me as such I'm usually too busy wondering why anyone would think I'd leave to consider it further. I can see it as beneficial though as often the question wasn't there to consider and could be a good opening to reflect.

That Eagle sounds like the ideal relationship.

I've been asked that question, Karma.

Does it give me clarity? Sometimes! Just sometimes for now...

I stay because I see their behaviours are related to MI, and they are not their MI. But at the same, I also question how much responsibility should my partner take, and even more importantly, how much responsibility I should take on. So I guess asking that questions raises some other big questions... good questions though. I'm sure I'll get there and find a balance...