I'M WORRIED

I never thought I had a personlaity disorder. But I did know I was struggling!

I still love him! I refuse to break up my family! I made vowes in front of God and I'm bound by those vowes. But I don't know what to do now! For the last few weeks, I've been working with my psychologist on CBT and I statement communications. I really thought it was working, until this morning!

I'm prepared to accept half the responsibility for our family problems and marriage problems, but I'm so confused as to why it's all my fault - has my behavior been that contradictory of my desire to repair my marriage and receive my husbands love again.

I shut up and I ask no questions, accept to confide in my friends! I continue to listen to him go on and on about how my daughter has disobeyed everything he ever tried to teach her and that it's my fault because I have always undermined him and broken him down to her (I did do this btw.. when I confided in her that he cheated online for almost our whole marriage - mind you this was so should understood why I was an emotional MESS) and try very hard not to express opinion, because I'm told "it's not up for debate". I'm giving him the space he wants, and still I'm failing to support him.

I'm so totally confused.

I have to stay because i know this one of God's trials for me, but how do I keep my self respect through this..

@Childlike It is not all your fault

Just in case you didn't hear me - It's not all your fault

You might love your husband and certainly you don't want to break up your family and break your vows before God

Neither did I - but I have been divorced for 25 years and this is a much better state of life for you and your children

It is impossible for it to be all your fault - but you need some help right now

Believe me - your husband is using emotional and verbal abuse and he has no right to do that

There's nothing else to say - you need to get out - at least for now

It is not all your fault - that is impossible

Decadian

I'm so glad you are still here @Childlike 💜 Please know I haven't any answers for you. I can only go on my experiences and what I know. I know what it is like to still try and love someone when they have betrayed you and undermined you. I know what it is like to have hope that you can get past all this. Right now I'm not sure what will help you the most. Would it help for me to talk about my story or would you prefer to talk about what is going on for you. I would also like to tag someone who might be able to help if that's ok.

---

@Childlike wrote:

I'm prepared to accept half the responsibility for our family problems and marriage problems, but I'm so confused as to why it's all my fault - has my behavior been that contradictory of my desire to repair my marriage and receive my husbands love again.

I shut up and I ask no questions, accept to confide in my friends! I continue to listen to him go on and on about how my daughter has disobeyed everything he ever tried to teach her and that it's my fault because I have always undermined him and broken him down to her (I did do this btw.. when I confided in her that he cheated online for almost our whole marriage - mind you this was so should understood why I was an emotional MESS) and try very hard not to express opinion, because I'm told "it's not up for debate". I'm giving him the space he wants, and still I'm failing to support him.

I'm so totally confused.

I have to stay because i know this one of God's trials for me, but how do I keep my self respect through this..

---

Hi @Childlike

This is not what God wants my dear - your husbands adultery and betrayal is quite the opposite. This is not a God-given trial - it's your "husbands free will" - your husband's disrespectful, selfish choices that is resulting in his actions of emotional abuse towards you (infidelity, betrayal, demeaning you showing no respect ), that is destroying not only your marriage but your self esteem.

"It is up to your husband" whom has broken the vows making them "null and void" to repair the damage in your relationship if it is to succeed. Not you. For that to happen he can no longer be allowed to get away with it by your tolerance as by doing so it is empowering him further to disrespect and hurt you. Don't let him cross the line anymore.

I am sorry my friend but there is nothing you can do to win back your husbands love if it isn't there on his part, - this is not your fault. This is your husbands choice. Your husbands inability to truly love his wife. And what he has been doing to you over the years is emotional abuse "that has resulted in your emotional instability and anxiety". That's what abuse does to a person. It's time now to put a stop to it before it gets worse.

To win back any respect your husband had for you, you will need to stand up for yourself and tell him "you won't tolerate his abuse anymore". Follow this up with any necessary action if he does not take you seriously. Be strong. This is the only way you will gain back your self respect and stability - and it will show your daughter "how not to be treated". You can do this. It is not you breaking up your marriage - your husband is already doing that by himself. This is about "you taking back your dignity and self respect". This is about you reclaiming your true self that he is destroying.

Lean on your friends/family for support and tolerate abuse no more or nothing will change. God wants you to be treated with respect - respect and faithfulness is love. Anything else is "not his will". Except no less. Fight for yourself, reclaim that strong woman again as she is fragile but still there. Save her as she needs you. That is the part that you need to repair. The rest is out of your hands. Hugs 💔💔

@Childlike Families are messy. Like fingerpaint and poos and wees are messy. Some mess is not bad, otherwise we all would have OCD.

A man expressing that level of blame and not reaching out to discuss family issues rationally seems very immature to me.

I also felt a sense of destiny and mission in keeping my dysfunctional family together. I though I deserved the test. Yet I did leave in desperate circumstances and do not regret it. I also went through an annulment process that helped clarify the Roman Catholic church true position on marriage which helped put my mother's guilt trips and denial of her substantial issues in perspective. I also do not regret my marriage, though I wish we had been able to live together better. I dont see it as a black and white mistake. It was what it was .. with strengths and weakness in it.

You have to do what you believe is the right thing and sometimes it takes time. I lved in hell for 15 years before I left. I too wondered about my old strong independent younger self and am very slowly reclaiming an older wiser version of her. Now my children say it was the right thing to split up. A wife is not a verbal punching bag for a husband or an object to be manipulated.

It sounds like you have a lot going with your children if you can all laugh about craziness. I hope they can laugh at their own little crazinesses and not just yours. The sheepish 'ooops I made a mistake' can go a long way to heal relationships. An occasional slip and drink need not be the end of the world.

Take care and keep with daily self care.

Hi @Former-Member your advice is not taken lightly, thank you for your support! Because I talk to my daughter and I talk to my friends, and every now and then I'm totally honest with Master 9 & 11... he lost it at me to tell me this is underminig against him and that I'm not honest with myself about my feelings for him. I do love him, he gave me the protection and the security that I never got from my Dad when he and my Mom split (I was 9) Is it possible I'm co dependant! I do stand up for myself, I tell him my anxiety is a result of my life experiences and envirolnment. He won't believe that, just continnues to claim I'm mentally unstable. I don't think he'll ever look at himself, he claims he's had enough of taking the blame from my daughter and I! I feel so guilty and ashamed that I confided my marriage problems in my daughter, this ultimately betrayed him and I totally understand his feelings toward me, afterall he did the same to me by confiding in her! A vicious 3 way circle. This morning he told me I'm not raising my sons properly cos I'm always sad and upset and they just get to see the shit stuff from me! He said he's never home and when he is he's only half here! That's totally in his power to change! I didn't tell him I'm not sad when he's not around to put put me down and judge me, instead I'm actually happy when I'm with my boys! He says he feels like he has 4 children, he often speaks to me like I'm 10 - is that because I actually am childlike - I still laugh about silly kids stuff and act silly sometimes? Did I show no self respect over the past 15 years and that's why he treats me this way? Have I completely betrayed him, he says I haven't kept my vows because I've talked about our marriage and about his indiscrepancies to other people, I've not shown one-flesh unity by doing this? My flip out manias have often been rage at him - how I was insecure and unloved of him and not shown affection empathy or attention. I have put a lot on him to give me my happiness.. pressure I should never have put on him! My anxiety and feelings of abandonment are my own but over the years I've worn hime down with this. A lot of it is my fault and I can accept wihat I have done.. and I feel so responsible and at fault, i see his pain and hurt and betrayal that I've caused him.. I don't think I can ever fix it for him. I'm keeping my wife duties and supporting him by giving him space and listening to him go on and on about his hurt over our daughter and the pain he feels - but he told me he sees no evidence of my support for him or being behind him! I won't be the one to take my children away from their home and their father.. I just want to be strong enough and heel enough for ME and my sons so I can bare this horrible situation.

I sometimes wonder if my love for him is part of my sickness! I ask myself a lot these days if I really love him or am I just scared to not have him! I have to believe that God is with me and wants me to be patient and wait on him!