I'M WORRIED

Hi @Former-Member

Welcome to this website - I am glad you have found it - I know you will fit in here - because we can be ourselves here - no one is being judgmental

One thing that makes me know you are a good mum is that you don;t fit in easily with the clique of women at the school where your kids go - I never did - I had a strong voice and was the treasurer of the PTA but I had a child who was badly wired and a lot of trouble and it was useless trying to explain - so I went on being myself - and I just don't fit in unless people are honest

I know the kind of people you are talking about - I won't try and describe them - but I certainly know you will not be like these women in other ways - you have a degree of wisdom already - and in this you are not letting your children down.

Life is one day at a time - there have been times in my life when it was 20 minutes at a time - and I found other people's comments about my son burdensome - even more so because I did not give up on him -

Life is the journey - not the destination - and you seem to know that at a deep level already - and for some reason some people find the journey harder - and looking back I know some people find life harder than others

And we do not want to die before our time is due - what a profound statement that is - when the time comes we need to be ready - and so life is a preparation - we learn what we can, we do the best we can, we will beat ourselves up when we fall short - and that's okay because we do make mistakes - but we go on to the next day or the next 20 minutes - and you are right - it akes more sense.

In fact - it is our inner knowledge and inner strength that sets us apart - and in this - we do not need to fit in with the cliques we find as we pass through life -

I am really pleased to read what you wrote

Decadian

Thanks @Former-Member

Yes - your post hit the mark too - we have things in common

My dad died 5.5 years ago - and while I miss him he has not left a huge hole in my life - because we were so much alike - and before he died we had one of those great conversations not everyone gets to have with someone they love - in that conversation we tied off all the loose ends of life - and he told me he was proud of me -

And at some stage you must have had a similar conversation with your Dad

One thing we have in common - you and I - my dad and me - and your dad too I guess - is not fitting in with the crowd - and really - who wants to?

We can always talk about the weather - but small talk is often just small - and I can entertain my company with jokes - whether I am in my lounge with a visitor or preparing for surgery - I am at my best as a commedian then

But with life - truly - it is the deeper conversations that really interest me. How did the universe start? What are people really interested in? Which talk shows are interesting? What can I learn from docos? What can I learn from the most humble person? What can I learn from a young child?

Thanks for your answer - I think I went through the whole school thing without making friends - like you - I think I gave of myself in many areas of life too. I am self-educated - I went back and did my HSC in my thirties then did an Honours Degree part time - and all those years I had this great mental stimulation

I am sure that the people with the small talk never give that mental stimuation -

Decadian

Hi @Former-Member @Decadian @Former-Member @Sahara @Appleblossom

I'm amazed at how much we all share. When I read your feelings and advice I can't believe how similar we all feel! Gosh - I'm not sure who is and isn't normal! Decadians comments on my differing personalites for my children (based on the age gaps) has really made me think about myself and my parenting. I've aways thought I was a bit 'out there' as far as 'normal' mom goes. My kids have always laughed at me with me.. 'you're crazy Mom'.. it wasn't until my husband got on this rant about having me diagnosed with a personality disorder, I started to think geez do they think i'm genuinely mental crazy!

I have just recently started to accept this self care 'stuff'. My psychologist had me design a dily self care plan.. for the last couple of weeks I feel calmer.. mind you the housework is a bit behind I've caught up with God! I've touched on just a tiny amount strength I had as a younger independant woman! I'm trying to convince or accept (whichever you like)that I cannot change the past - I've been betrayed, had promises broken to me, lies told, and the blame all put on me it seems.

Now its time for me to look after me, I didn't deserve any of those things - no one does. I will not accept that I have a mental illness because I'm a sensitive person who struggles with emotions and the inability to control them in a 'rational and normal' manner (whatever that is) My children don't think I'm mental crazy. I think I have suffered some terrible experiences in my life - and this is my reaction/response... what is a normal response/reaction to a traumatic situation, who gets to rate what is and isn't normal?

When you point the finger at someone there is always 3 pointing back at you! I forgot about me and banked on someone else for my happiness - worst thing I ever did!

I'm so glad I found this site - I finally feel understood

Thank you all

Hi @Former-Member

I saw a psychiatrist yesterday! I decided not to take my husband with me!

He asked me a lot of questions about my behavior

At the end he told me he didbn't believe that I have traits of a personality disorder! But clinical anxiety

I already knew this and have been taking medication for almost two years for it. He tweeked my doses again

I disclosed to my husband what the psychiatrist said

He disagreed with the psychiatrist,

This morning he told me the

"the whole shit mess of our family is my fault"

"I have have undermined him and dragged him down on every level as head of the house"

His parting words were "don't everface up to the F&%$ing truth about yourself"

Now I'm sitting on the floor balling my eyes out drinking tequila.....

Hi @Childlike

I'm so glad that you connected with your psychiatrist. It seems like he is very helpful.

You husband's reaction however, sounds so hurtful. I'm sorry you went through that.

While it might not feel like it, right now is the time to be taking care of yourself. Reaching out to us tonight is a great first step.

We can continue to connect with you tonight - Teej & the rest of us, but it's also really important that you stay safe. I hope you can get rid of the tequila for tonight and just be with us.

Would you consider doing that?

Omg @Childlike. That's not ok from your husband at all. Sounds like your husband is making things so much worse. This is not your fault. He is making it all up. If you were happy with the psychiatrist that's all that matters. I want to say so much more about how your husband is making things worse but I'm more worried for you. The last straw for me was when my partner said to me that everything was all in my head. Ultimately you have lots to sort out with him but right now you need to keep yourself safe. Can you go to a friends house for the night, could they come and pick you up? I don't think being alone is a good idea. Will get back to you again very soon💜💐

@Childlike I'm here all night if you need to talk, please stop drinking though. It's better to talk things out💜💐

@Childlike Please know that what is happening at the moment to you is not your fault at all. You have done nothing but be you. I suspect that there is more to this behind your husbands behaviour than is obvious. I know because I lived it but I didn't know then. Ultimately for me the destruction he caused lead me to come completely undone but it's so hard to see when you are in the middle of it. I believe you can work this out, please don't let it be at the expense of you. 💜😊

@Childlike

What your husband is doing is abuse - pure and simple

And please listen to us - to @NikNik and @Former-Member and me

Stop drinking - you are making everything worse and giving your husband the power - you are making what he is saying true - oh please stop and ring 000 for help NOW

It will only get worse

Decadian