Topic Tuesday // What can you do when a loved one doesn't want help? // Tues 22 Oct, 7pm AEDT

I find it extremely hard to enlist the support of others @Shaz51

Even when I do, they often do not respond amicably - or as needed.

Adge

@Shaz51 no need to apologise, I'm glad you like some ideas. I'm clear that you are all experts of your own situation and know what works and what doesn't.

yes it is me that does it @Adge , @Former-Member , @Former-Member

and even get "what I should do " from family members

@Adge I think it's difficult to trust that others can fathom or understand the challenges of your situation and it might feel like they can't give you what you need.

I get "what I should do" from family members too @Shaz51

At my own Dad's Funeral - I had flown to NSW on the midnight flight, had no sleep.

I was exhaused, the trip took 10 hours (5 hours in plane, 5 hours getting out from airport to suburbs).

I was in shock & grief - yet several of my cousins told me to "comfort your Mum", "Your Mum is distressed".

No one offered me any comfort, I was essentially left to deal with it on my own.

Adge

@Fracturedlight It's good to hear your perspective. I really like what you said about it being so difficult to express what your needs are. Asking for what you need and having the courage to verbalise that takes you to a really vulnerable place. I think we can all feel that. I think it's important that to try and reframe a carer or family members frustration. It's easy to feel uneasy about how you might think you're impacting others, but remind yourself that people are coming from a place of love and wanting you to be in a better place.

Those are some wonderful tools that were shared for the toolbox. I'll try to list a summary of them at the end too as a reminder! Really like @Former-Member's too around the way we respond and monitoring the urgency in our voice.

So the next question: When a loved one doesn’t want our help we can be faced with many fears. A big one can be what we can and can’t control and what we feel responsible for. Do others relate to these fears? What kind of strategies do you use to help this?

From the lived experience part I think that receiving just a short personal message that someone is thinking of you without any expectations for a returned message or response is something I’ve really appreciated. Even if it was a meme or something you share with that person is connection without demand or need.

From a carer I think acknowledging that you can’t 'fix' them, only the person going through it can work on their mental health is a big one. It’s hard but mportant.

I think just just recently I learned through a personal situation that sometimes asking the person what they need in a specific way helps. I don’t think asking what can I do to help is often helpful as that is too broad. Maybe asking the little stuff builds up a better picture for both the carer and person struggling through being unwell. It can be the little things. Do you mind me dropping in and making you a (insert drink food). Does it help or annoy you when I text you every ??? I think those kind of closed questions when you are struggling kind of build up a structure that the person feels heard and the carer has a better understanding of what helps. Also a constant reminder that you are their if they need anything and that they are loved. These opinions are just mine from observng and learning. It’s not easy and I’m no longer in the middle of being a carer so write this one step removed.