Caring4Corny

I love cauliflower @Appleblossom, yummy! I love the Lebanese recipe with tahini sauce and I also love roasted with a little bit of cumin and it can go great in curries too.

I never had a raging queen aunt or uncle that would have helped me a lot in my younger years making sense of my sexuality. I am the only gay in a very very Catholic family so as you can imagine that was quite interesting

Fires are raging in the north west of Sydney and the wind is strong here.

Enjoy your morning

@Corny Roasting cauliflower with Moroccan spice = 👍

Hi there @Corny ... sounds like you are doing pretty well since you 'checked out' of The Ritz.

I too love anything cauliflower ... soups, salads, steamed, morney'd, curried, etc. And cumin adds a lovely flavour.

Corny, I just wanted to say that I did get your message to me on my thread from earlier this morning, via the email notification. It had gone from the thread by then. In many respects I agree with you, and I dont blame you for feeling the way you do. But when you actually put those thoughts into words, it all seems so terribly harsh. It was only 20 months ago that hubby was at deaths door for a period of some 6 weeks. I was told to 'make arrangements' and that he would never make it home. As you know, he recovered. But his quality of life is not at all good. And there are times I feel almost resentful that he pulled through at all. Because here he is now, making my life so damned difficult. And as I said, his quality of life is very poor. When my mind starts to head in this direction, I think what an absolutely horrible person I am. What person in their right mind would think that way about someone they love? But I cannot help it, sometimes I think that way ... shameful as it is. I really do love him, despite all that he puts me through. But sometimes .. its just all too hard and I cannot handle all that he brings to the table.

Anyway I guess I just wanted to reassure you that what you wrote on my thread was not seen by me as callous, nor was it particularly shocking under the circumstances from where it came. But having said that, I do understand why it was removed. In many ways you simply verbalised what my mind sometimes thinks. And I really hate myself for that, and wish things were different. Thanks for the 3 little muskateer cuddles you sent to my thread too, although unfortunately I never got to see the picture.

The wind here today is very strong too, and the smoke has returned. I think they may be doing more backburning and fire containment in our local fires up here. Its looking like being a very hot week everywhere this week. I do hope Christmas is much cooler. Maybe even some rain? Wouldnt that be lovely! I will do a rain dance in the dry, to bring on the rain, and dance joyously in the rain when it finally comes.

Sherry

Oh yes @Corny I know well ... the catholic issues ... around that stuff.

In my family, while I was growing up, there were 4 gay uncles which is quite a different culture to gay ladies.

Take Care

@Former-Member

I understand @Former-Member why it was deleted and sent to Nashy’s Death Star, but the reality is if I didn’t speak my mind I would have felt like an enabler in an indirect way, and I refuse to be one, I would feel sick with myself.

It breaks my heart to see you in this situation and I guess you’re right, I said what most people feel/think occasionally, but never say. I found it very confronting to put it mildly to read about your bruises and your wonderings if maybe your psychologist had broken your privacy and spoken to your GP about the DV, possessiveness and aggression.

We convince ourselves that we are evil having those thoughts but I think that the brain switches into survival mode and that hope of freedom when they pass sustains you through the dark days.

Humans haven’t had to adapt only to physical environments, but to social and emotional ones too and I think that psychologically we have built some mechanisms in our heads to be able to survive the unthinkable.

What I find disturbing though is that it often backfires and the psychology benefits the abusive person because as long as we convince ourselves we are thoroughly evil we stand by the person doing it to maintain a bond & attachment so we don’t feel alone in this world, or if you are a kid you have no choice because you are entirely dependent upon them.

There is a fantastic quote in Trauma and Recovery which I can’t recollect the exact words but speaks to the psychology of this very well. Maybe you feel it is different for you because you are an adult, where-as I was a small child, and the love feelings for your husband over-ride everything else, I don’t know.

I’m not a man hater Sherry, I promise. I make for a very odd ball lesbian because I think women are capable of being just as abusive as men, they are just better at playing the social niceties to hide their involvement and hide behind the pros of society romanticising mother-hood and assume that so called feminine traits are universal to all women. Not all women are natural nurturers and protectors, quite the opposite.

Maybe you just needed to know that those thoughts are completely normal and that you most definitely are not evil for your mind going there. Maybe that knowledge you are not alone with them means nothing today, but in 1, 3, 6, 12 years who knows where your mind will be, and what insights you will have to draw on to stay well yourself or in times of dark depression.

It's probably best for someone like me to stay away from that side of the threads because it does trigger me and blunt Corn comes out. I hope you can forgive me Miss Sherry, I mean well, I just lose my filter with certain topics, the Lioness comes out. I would feel like I was assisting him abuse you if I was any other way, that was my dilemma.

Big hugs to you and take care of the 3 baby goldies I sent you.

Corny xxx

Thanks @Corny ... there is nothing to forgive, honestly. All good.

My apologies btw for including you on my LE thread. I recall you had responded to me on my thread, so I included you in my reply there. Unfortunately I only realised after reading your reply here, that it was actually my Carers thread which you had written to me on last time. So in fact it is for me to apologise to you. I realise its a difficult time for you adjusting to life outside of The Ritz an' all. And I can see that my topic of discussion was likely to be triggering for you. I am really sorry. I guess thats why there is a permanent warning on my thread about "possibly triggering material". So please never feel obliged to visit me 'on the other side'. I do hope you are okay?

And of course you mean well ... you always have done, and I very much appreciate your input and wonderful insight. On so many topics ... I think you're great, and wish I was more like you. And yes, you are correct ... perhaps knowing that others, whom I admire, think (or have thought) in a similar line makes me feel just a little less horrible and evil. So thank you for your kindness and understanding.

Sherry 💕

Don't apologise unnecessarily @Former-Member I clicked on the little bell under 'new' posts and could have been more observant what thread I was reading and no one made me reply, that was on me. But if I read about someone being physically abused my frontal lobes do get a little wobbly, and then fire up! Its instinctual for me to defend someone in that situation.

I think that you are being way, way too harsh on yourself. These are very common thoughts and emotions, not just in the family violence context, but also the disability/carer context too, and often if they are not the sort of thoughts you and I have had, they are around the other way where the carer or victim considers taking their own life, even if that leaves others behind to deal with it. Does that make them selfish people for having those thoughts, I really don't think so. Until you have been pushed to that edge of desperation its hard to understand how you can momentarily be unrecognisable to yourself but still be a great person. I remember there were a few programs on SBS Insight and ABC with parents talking about similar emotions and the impact this was having on all of their relationships and the guilt they felt, but they just wanted all the pain to end somehow. I can relate to their desperation.

Here are your 3 little mates to take care of. Enjoy a morning coffee or tea. I don't want the extreme heat to come back, I have no air conditioning and while the light is wonderful in this unit and great for my mood, it swelters like an oven in here. I will just have to make the trek out to the the lady baths and sit by the pool with the mermaids

Big hugs, and check in with your Dad and Bro soon and try and not isolate

@Corny

Checking in.

@Corny