Caring4Corny

I have been sitting on @Hope4me 's lap in her cubby house on her thread, drinking her Milo, playing with her Transformers and her My Little Ponies, having lots to say about myself, but like every self respecting 2nd born barges in and takes over without realising....I'm sorry @Hope4me I was so comfortable in your company I made myself at home, just like an annoying lil sis does. I copied ya with the using the '4' in the title eh, eh!

I began by posting this in the lived experience side of the tracks and then deleted it, realising I am sick of my story, and I am pivoting away from narrative and trying to move into action with caring for myself. It is something that feels very foreign, when your entire identity has been built on caring for others. Its no wonder in my offline life I have always attracted users and takers.

It's like I have no worth unless I am helping or being considerate to someone else's needs.

I have been on the carers forum in regards to both of my parents. Mother with schizophrenia from late teens and a father (now deceased by suicide) with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety & SH and both sides of the extended family riddled with Bipolar I&II, Psychotic illnesses, Anxiety, Agoraphobia, a new case of suspected BPD and Major Depression.

But I am not here to talk about or learn about caring for them, I am here to learn how to care for myself, and hopefully lift some of the depression along the way.

I am an incredibly independent and strong women, who was given no choice but to be self contained or perish.

Talking to my sib on the weekend, I forget that some people do not have this capacity and how amazing we are just to survive. We had each other and I think if we hadn't, none of us would be here. We're a bit bruised, and in my case limping and lame right now, but there are full grown adults who disintegrate the second life forces them to stand on their own 2 feet and get through some tough, and soul changing times, so I am beginning to realise that I am not as weak as a lot of other people can be, and I do have strengths even if I can't put them on a resume.

Some days my fathers voice still rings in my head, but I have made big leaps and I have to remind myself to look around at other people. My doc said how on earth I managed to escape a life on drugs, alcohol or ending up in prison is beyond him, but just like Punky Brewster whose parents abandoned her I am still here...

I do feel in a foreign land though because depression is new to me, anxiety is my base camp.

I can't turn my back on my 5 year old self, but how have others began the journey of caring for themselves, and getting over it feeling so alien?

I don't suffer from reactive attachment syndrome and expect a significant other to clean up my parents mess, I am willing, and have been doing the work since I took myself to a clinical psychologist when I was 19.

There is behavioural evidence that I do have self respect and the drive to protect my dignity, I know I have the potential and the follow through in me.....

I just can't shake this depression though. It is like lead.

Thanks for reading

Corny