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Sleeping too much
8691 replies
In response to: Sleeping too much
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Sleeping too much
Hi @Former-Member
I went to Compassionate Friends a lot during my early days as a bereaved parent - and did voluntary work - I actually got a certificate for doing it when we had the Year for Volunteers -
It was fine for me in the early days - but then - the stories started to get to me - they all had the same ending and I got to the stage where it was too much because my own grief was too raw - I'm okay now - 30 years later - but I couldn't bear the magazine - aw - the same thing kept happening
So now - I am rarely in touch - but I found my way into this forum from the Compassionate Friends and I got in here by clicking onto it when that list of the organisition you enter through - which has gone now - the CF I mean
But I do have a few other things to search on the net - I will see what Compassionate Friends offers on-line
Do you need to tell your story? I have told mine over and over and over and over and over but there is still something I always hold back - there is something I cannot repeat - not because I think it's private - but because it is too graphic and if I tell it - it might be true - and it is true - but who could bear to hear it?
I really understand Tawns - you did not deserve this - you didn't do anything to cause this to happen - and you said you have social phobia - which I don't have - and you didn't line up for that one either
I would not suggest you volunteer for leader - not yet - you need a support base of your own - in person really but it seems right now that is not available for you
Also - I really think that you gave your all for your parents - and need to refuel - you know - I think - you will be required again - and your mother won't be here for long and I think your dad really needs supported care
Please don't worry about doing stuff for your brothers - with your parents that is enough - truly - you are not being remiss at all with them - and they might have MI but they can cart out the garb-bins and wash the dishes - I think they just need to be told
When I am done here I will look up something about the Compassionate Friends - maybe ask about their on-line services -
I understand Tawnz - I so do
Dec
In response to: Sleeping too much
Unknown userMember
Re: Sleeping too much
Hi @Owlunar, nice to see you. We have walked much the same so appreciate your messages, thanks. Feel a bit better this am (still laying in), the tears are just under the surface but not rolling at least. even reading here.
Think it was just hard because I don't feel acceptable, part if 'the group' and this was a combined gathering. Being a small town (5,000) they all knew about my girl dying, so where are they? Especially the church I was (attending (after doing the rounds). My amazing son was well known at school for his brains, upstanding leadership and he rubbed shoulders with the best. He received awards every year, was a school prefect and just well liked and respected. He at least had friends who cared for each other.
What I'm trying to say is 'they knew us' but its the 'christian' community I expected to much from when in need, and they weren't there when it counted. How could they not know I needed them after losing a child living alone?
I've come to learn that part of BPD (cPTSD) is the emotion disconnect - not knowing or being in touch with what we need and therefore how to ask for help. A tricky one when living alone with life in the balance with SI. So, well, probably not all their fault but I do wish they were gently more inclusive and include me (invite me to things), make me feel welcome / wanted around. I do think its the weight gain since on antidepressants and also being 'different' - not having money. Or maybe I am the 'low life' their treatment reflects, and just don't know it. But I don't sleep around, do drugs, sit at the pub, break the law, swear and carry on. So maybe its just because I didn't go to school with them, and its just not necessary to make room for 'blowins' (was here 7.5 yrs when my girl died). Somehow most people knew I'd had a MH hospital admission, ambulance trips. They talk, but not with me. I hate that!
There I go babbling again, need a cuppa. Just wanted to acknowledge you @Owlunar and wish you a good day. xox
Think it was just hard because I don't feel acceptable, part if 'the group' and this was a combined gathering. Being a small town (5,000) they all knew about my girl dying, so where are they? Especially the church I was (attending (after doing the rounds). My amazing son was well known at school for his brains, upstanding leadership and he rubbed shoulders with the best. He received awards every year, was a school prefect and just well liked and respected. He at least had friends who cared for each other.
What I'm trying to say is 'they knew us' but its the 'christian' community I expected to much from when in need, and they weren't there when it counted. How could they not know I needed them after losing a child living alone?
I've come to learn that part of BPD (cPTSD) is the emotion disconnect - not knowing or being in touch with what we need and therefore how to ask for help. A tricky one when living alone with life in the balance with SI. So, well, probably not all their fault but I do wish they were gently more inclusive and include me (invite me to things), make me feel welcome / wanted around. I do think its the weight gain since on antidepressants and also being 'different' - not having money. Or maybe I am the 'low life' their treatment reflects, and just don't know it. But I don't sleep around, do drugs, sit at the pub, break the law, swear and carry on. So maybe its just because I didn't go to school with them, and its just not necessary to make room for 'blowins' (was here 7.5 yrs when my girl died). Somehow most people knew I'd had a MH hospital admission, ambulance trips. They talk, but not with me. I hate that!
There I go babbling again, need a cuppa. Just wanted to acknowledge you @Owlunar and wish you a good day. xox
In response to: Re: Sleeping too much
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Sleeping too much
I understand @Former-Member
It's amazing that you are still an outsider after - say 13 years in a community of 5,000 - but then - there are people who think having a child die is catching and they want to ignore the possiblity of this happening
And the raw grit of this can rub into our flesh and tear us down - bit by bit
I see and read two reactions - one is like my family - it was an "upset" and people don't like to be upset - and cry and feel and have to move out of their own line of thought
And the other is horror that it can happen
Personally - it is impossibly for people to know what it's like and what we need unless we have been there - and really - would we like them to know? No - not at all - and I wonder and wonder - because it seemed to me I just had to get up and go on with my life after my son died - and then at Compassionate Friends the then director told me
If you had a heart attack - you would be lying in hospital getting flowers and phonecalls - you would be hooked up to machines and have tubes running in and out. No one would expect you back at work tomorrow
But when a child dies - this is the case - we are not hooked up to anything and people cannot see the horrific wound we have - and for whatever reason - they imagine we can just go on
My husband and I were not living as man and wife when our son died - people didn't know this but we had completely different social lives - and this must show. So he just got up and went on with his life which I didn't understand. One day I yelled at him that he didn't care - he didn't grieve - and his reaction was that he did - he would feel bad and go away and be on his own and feel better
Still yelling - "You don't have to feel better - you can't feel better - something terrible happened and it can't be changed - how dare you feel better"
Yeah - that raw feeling cannot be felt by many - even the other parent - and the death of a child often destroys marriages - and also - women on their own after often viewed as husband hunters - believe it - and I have never been after a man - married or not - but still - we are severed from a lot of society
It's a failure of society - and not at all our fault - not your fault - you are not an unworthy person anymore than I am. It's been 30 years but on Tuesday I was as destroyed as I have ever been - not worse than I have ever been but feeling as if I was in the spin-cycle and going down
I understand and feel so much for you Tawnz - it does get easier but a lot of tears and heartache have to happen
Lots of hugs
Dec
In response to: Re: Sleeping too much
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Sleeping too much
@Former-Member ..... ❤️💕
In response to: Sleeping too much
Unknown userMember
Re: Sleeping too much
Thanks @Owlunar, @Faith-and-Hope, @utopia and everyone - means a lot you know, that you 'tag' and connect with me. Just don't feel worthy.<br><br>I spoilt myself with an op shop b#nge today, after Dr. Bit of an addiction and can't afford it but need the boost - will deal with consequences later - don't care, what are they gonna do, I'll just go on payment plans for the fines, jerks? (I think traffic fines should be proportionate to income - yep - I'm socialist, and op shops should discount low income people), yep, I'm angry too.<br><br>Dr was good day today apart from needing upfront $95, -70(pending rebate) =20 out of pocket. She said I have mod sleep apnoea &amp; wants me to lose weight (of cause). She let me talk about mum &amp; SI, and Rptd bloods re anaemia (which hurt - my veins jump out the way or something grr).<br><br>Rang mum dad today, he answered and home from hospital. Disappointed they didn't 'fix' his incontinence, poor dad, but fixed the infection. Mum was watching B&amp;B &amp; won't be interrupted but she's ok'ish dad said. They sure have it tough.<br><br>S1 still off work sick (flu, but working from home) but said he's 'on the mend' Stress I reckon poor might - caught up with him.<br><br>My psychologist replied well to mi email. Maybe I could post it here (moderated of cause) as it may help others, whatya think?
In response to: Re: Sleeping too much
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Sleeping too much
Sounds good to me @Former-Member .... the mods will let you know if there's any problem with that, but I love the way you are prepared to share your experiences for the benefit of others .... that can multiply the results achieved from what you have suffered through .... you have a real generosity of spirit.
❤️
In response to: Sleeping too much
Unknown userMember
Re: Sleeping too much
MY PSYCH REPLY TO M# EMAIL (ABOVE), MIGHT HELP SOMEONE
Dear #
I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult struggle at this time, and I wish I knew how to just take away these challenging experiences for you. Unfortunately I don’t know how to do this, however I do know that there are some skills that we can use when we come up against such difficult human challenges.
We have spoken of these distress tolerance and resilience building skills in our sessions, that have been shown to be helpful to ride out these storms. Some skills that may be helpful for you are describing what you are experiencing, in this moment:
- noticing where you feel this in your body, allowing it to be there
- knowing that this too will pass
- acknowledging that this is a difficult struggle and comfort yourself as you are suffering (self-compassion)
- care for yourself – what can you do at this time to care for yourself (cooking a nutritious meal for yourself, going to bed to get sufficient sleep, connecting with others, help others, drinking enough water, listen to music, watch a movie, do some gardening, walk in a park and notice the gardens, have a swing in a park and feel the breeze as you swing, go to the library and do some reading, talk to someone, attend to something that will help you feel that you are moving toward who and what is important to you, and any other things that are in line with your values)
Noticing the thoughts that you are experiencing and deciding which ones to buy into and which to let pass, knowing that they all pass.
Use the Leaves on a Stream to place unhelpful thoughts and feelings onto the water and gain some distance from them as they pass through you. Thank your mind when it comes up with unworkable and unhelpful thoughts and allow the thoughts to pass by as if they are cars on the street or clouds across the sky.
Holding this experience with loving kindness, allowing it to be there, dropping the struggle to get rid of it, observing and noticing this moment without judgement, using your breath down to your belly to calm yourself, asking yourself the question – who is important and what is important - here and now, and what small steps can I take toward who and what matters to me in spite of experiencing this struggle at this time?
Yhere are tracks on my web site on the resources page that may be helpful for you to manage tension in your body, unhelpful thoughts and feelings, and to assist you to breath down into your belly, and to get to sleep.
All that we can do is act using our arms and legs and words, to move toward who and what is important to us, one moment, one breath at a time. Allowing our thoughts and feelings to take over our Life-bus is likely to take us away from a life that we could love. We have a choice about where we put our focus in any moment depending on the workability and helpfulness of our present moment experience.
Bringing yourself back to the here and now, noticing with your 5 senses what is around you in this moment, and notice when you mind has pulled you into past and future thinking. We cannot change the past nor can we predict the future, although our minds spend a lot of time trying to do just that which is so unhelpful and causes us much suffering.
Perhaps reading some of Russ Harris’s book "Happiness Trap" may be helpful. Do whatever it takes to get through this storm, this will pass. You know it deep down & been here begore. You have had lots of pressures recently with anniversaries, Christmas and your Mums illness. Use all of the compassion that you can muster to be kind to yourself and to take care of yourself as you move through this challenging experience. It is not hopeless, keep trying, over and over again.
Calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 may also be of support for you. If you are in danger of harming yourself call 000 or take yourself to the nearest emergency department.
I can see you earlier than our next appointment if that is helpful for you. There was a cancellation this morning for next Tuesday 28th 11.40 am if that is helpful for you. Let me know if you want to book that or wait 'till 7th March.
I hope that some of these skill reminders and others that you may think of are helpful for you. I am thinking of you and offer you my sincere support and care at this difficult time. Hang in there, Keep trying.
Dear #
I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult struggle at this time, and I wish I knew how to just take away these challenging experiences for you. Unfortunately I don’t know how to do this, however I do know that there are some skills that we can use when we come up against such difficult human challenges.
We have spoken of these distress tolerance and resilience building skills in our sessions, that have been shown to be helpful to ride out these storms. Some skills that may be helpful for you are describing what you are experiencing, in this moment:
- noticing where you feel this in your body, allowing it to be there
- knowing that this too will pass
- acknowledging that this is a difficult struggle and comfort yourself as you are suffering (self-compassion)
- care for yourself – what can you do at this time to care for yourself (cooking a nutritious meal for yourself, going to bed to get sufficient sleep, connecting with others, help others, drinking enough water, listen to music, watch a movie, do some gardening, walk in a park and notice the gardens, have a swing in a park and feel the breeze as you swing, go to the library and do some reading, talk to someone, attend to something that will help you feel that you are moving toward who and what is important to you, and any other things that are in line with your values)
Noticing the thoughts that you are experiencing and deciding which ones to buy into and which to let pass, knowing that they all pass.
Use the Leaves on a Stream to place unhelpful thoughts and feelings onto the water and gain some distance from them as they pass through you. Thank your mind when it comes up with unworkable and unhelpful thoughts and allow the thoughts to pass by as if they are cars on the street or clouds across the sky.
Holding this experience with loving kindness, allowing it to be there, dropping the struggle to get rid of it, observing and noticing this moment without judgement, using your breath down to your belly to calm yourself, asking yourself the question – who is important and what is important - here and now, and what small steps can I take toward who and what matters to me in spite of experiencing this struggle at this time?
Yhere are tracks on my web site on the resources page that may be helpful for you to manage tension in your body, unhelpful thoughts and feelings, and to assist you to breath down into your belly, and to get to sleep.
All that we can do is act using our arms and legs and words, to move toward who and what is important to us, one moment, one breath at a time. Allowing our thoughts and feelings to take over our Life-bus is likely to take us away from a life that we could love. We have a choice about where we put our focus in any moment depending on the workability and helpfulness of our present moment experience.
Bringing yourself back to the here and now, noticing with your 5 senses what is around you in this moment, and notice when you mind has pulled you into past and future thinking. We cannot change the past nor can we predict the future, although our minds spend a lot of time trying to do just that which is so unhelpful and causes us much suffering.
Perhaps reading some of Russ Harris’s book "Happiness Trap" may be helpful. Do whatever it takes to get through this storm, this will pass. You know it deep down & been here begore. You have had lots of pressures recently with anniversaries, Christmas and your Mums illness. Use all of the compassion that you can muster to be kind to yourself and to take care of yourself as you move through this challenging experience. It is not hopeless, keep trying, over and over again.
Calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 may also be of support for you. If you are in danger of harming yourself call 000 or take yourself to the nearest emergency department.
I can see you earlier than our next appointment if that is helpful for you. There was a cancellation this morning for next Tuesday 28th 11.40 am if that is helpful for you. Let me know if you want to book that or wait 'till 7th March.
I hope that some of these skill reminders and others that you may think of are helpful for you. I am thinking of you and offer you my sincere support and care at this difficult time. Hang in there, Keep trying.
In response to: Sleeping too much
Unknown userMember
Re: Sleeping too much
- @HelloBPD, just bringing you over to this thread to read the email I sent my psychologist today, and her reply (above), I think it might ease your mind a little. I was diagnosed with BPD (+ anxiety, depression DPD...) in my 20's but my latest psychologist & GP have changed it to the more 'helpful' label cPTSD (complex post traumatic stress) - there's much more help for 'that: label than BPD, trust me. I'm still here 30yrs later. Stress makes the BPD/PTSD storms come bad for us, so we need to manage our stress more than anything I have learned. Getting in touch with our inner stress (feelings, thoughts etc) is hard because of the condition's 'emotional disconnect' protective habit, but there are mindfulness exercises that help put us in touch, they work. We meed to be aware of our 'triggers too, limit or prepare for exposure with awareness and self compassion.
We have a condition, its our cross to bare (like so many before us), it is workable and we're hear to help each other. Like my psych just reminded me in the email above - keep trying, push through these storms for the good days, they will come. - Have a read - Chin up. xox
In response to: Sleeping too much
BridgetjonesSenior Contributor
Re: Sleeping too much
Hi @Former-Member. Sorry you are struggling atm. I just thought Id let you know I appreciate you sharing the great advice your psychologist gave you via email.
God bless you Tawney. Hope you feel better. Hang in there. You sound like a survivor to me from following some of your posts.
sending you a hug. Bridgetjones
God bless you Tawney. Hope you feel better. Hang in there. You sound like a survivor to me from following some of your posts.
sending you a hug. Bridgetjones
In response to: Sleeping too much
Unknown userMember
Re: Sleeping too much
Awe shucks @Bridgetjones, thanks for saying, appreciate it. Hope you're doing OK xox
