Sleeping too much

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you very much for your reply and making it ok for me to join in the conversation. Very appreicated...It is uncomfortable as I can see you have connections with each other and which is inspiring, insightful and encouraging. So much wisdom on these forums!!! Nothing like those who really know what its like to live with debilating mi and other conditions. Acknowledging your fear of when and if your parents will begin to need you more and your worries about coping with mi etc. Your right we can only do what we can do, one step at a time. I think my situation is made worse by the fact that there is no acknowledgement of my mi, never has been and no support from family or extended (head in the sand, they cant deal with it). For me, I also think there is some manipulation of me because that means I dont have needs and therefore it is my duty to be there for my mum (not true, but this is the set-up). My deep concerns are around how to deal with this all, keep my boundaries and sanity, grieve and do what I can and then let go what I cant do. Not easy. Thanks for your encouragement working on self-care, sometimes successful other times not. Thanks again..

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for your reply, very appreciated. Such great advice about how the forums work and not to take things personlly for all the reasons you mentioned (a great reminder). Yes, I am doing the most I can for my mum at present and trying to stay balanced (sometimes succesfull other times stuff it up big time) and then start all over again!! I think it might be a great idea to start up a thread for ageing parents, providing care and coping with a mi etc. and all other lifes challenges (so complicated). Thanks for all your advice re govt funding stuff, community care etc (a good reminder). I have looked into some things and have my head around stuff to a degree but as present mum totally difficult and in denial somewhat and I have to go really slow with suggestions etc. (your right, probably it will be the hard way because of the denial etc). And as you know that then puts more pressure on us if it all falls to crap and which it does from time to time. Trying to avoid crisis if possible!!...Funny, my mother thinks the same (trying to put them into a home, its obviously that generation, fears etc.). So they shut down and then you cant do anyting further (mmmm. frustrating)... Yeah there has been financial abuse (mum in denial, still thinks hes the golden head boy - thats a generational thing to, shes waiting for him to magically turn that situation around). She told me to stay out of it so I will but what she doesnt recognise is the impact on her on so many levels and that she then on some level depends on me to pick up and help (but she doenst make the connection). So if I put up boundaries then it is like I am punishing her (but I am just looking after myself). If did what my brothers have done over the years she would eat me alive but they seem to still as full adults still get away with it. I think that is a generational thing too!!!! I hope your weekend has gone well, take care too.. Thanks again. xx

Hello @Shaz51

Thanks for your welcome to the conversation, much appreciated. I so relate to the things people talk about on here and it does lessen the lonliness considerably (thank you). My weekend has gone along ok (a friend in a bit of a crisis (encouraging her to seek support wherever she can, as I cant take on too much in my situation). How has you and your weekend been going? xx:)

Hello @PeppiPatty,

Nice to meet you and thanks for your message. Thank you yes, I love purpleflowers. Your name is pretty cool too!!!! Not sure how to get emoticons on here but heres some smiles...:) 🙂 🙂

Hello @Decadian

Thanks for your welcome into the conversation, much appreciated. Yes I've had such unstable housing for the past 20 odd years (renting - single mum - very unpleasant). This is the first time that I have secured something where I have been 3 years and there is a chance I can stay here up to ten years so do not want to jeopardise my security. Your right chances are very likely that I would go under if I went to live and help mum (its very unfortunate that she is now a pensioner and her rent is exhorbitant and takes 3/4 of her money!!!! But she still is drinking and choosing to do that over food and everything else. This is a long-term issue nothing new but shes always worked and managed to be quite high functioning (but everything has caught up now)...The elephant is still in the room (denial about the drinking). I have no interest in tyring to change her drinking or her daily living but as she doesent drive I take her shopping, doctors, pay bills and helped her shift recently. Just more difficult seeing her so worn out and struggling with the things she does.... Yes, you mentioned the guilt being out of proportion and I relate to that too. I do at times feel unnecessarily guilty and responsible (even though I now better, hard marrying the intellectual awareness with the feelings!!!!). I am sorry to hear your parents abandoned you when you were in such dark dark times and I too relate to not having support in my darkest hours ever!!. I am trying to come to terms with that and wonder at times why I help at all...However, in some ways in her vulnerability it has stopped me (hating her, a lot happened in my early years) and she has never been there for me. It sounds crazy when I voice it out loud!!!!... I am sorry your mother was nasty to you when you visited her, she sounds very destructive (as is my mother). It is really terrible and has reverberating affects...You sound like you have been very loving and supportive to you son (a big sincere appreciation to you). So much courage and no support...And you so right, putting our self care has to be first priority even when it feels so unnatural...Sorrow is a natural part of our grief but the other stuff (guilt, giving ourselves a hard time of not doing whatever we think we should) is not ok and damaging to us. You sound incredibly level headed and understanding of these dynamics. thanks for sharing your wisdom, very appreciated. A separate thread would be useful...PurpleFlowers 🙂

Hi @PurpleFlowers

Thanks for your post - it is spot-on - and it is really hard to deal with the "elephants in the room" and no way at all to deal with your mother's drinking - it's an illness but one she managed to "catch" on her own - but I think we know that there is something else there - something deep she and others like her can never face

When it comes to a mortgage or rent it is calculated that it's finanacially viable for that to be a quarter of one's income 3/4 is outrageous - and yet your mother continues to drink rather than eat - this must all be such a worry to you - and you deserve better

It's a strange thing - we bring our children into the world - or adopt them - and then whatever happens it really is our responsibity to help them until they are of an age to help themselves. If friendship exists this continues - but when it comes to our parents the whole thing seems to be expected - we are supposed to care for them - but there is a lot of guilt and grief involved when it is not friendship that motivates people

But when it comes to parents - I supposed because supposedly they gave us life etc and supported us - children are supposed to support parents - but I was not put into this category because my family had behaved in such a way that I would leave and not see them for years - and yes - that was hard so I think I went through all that and got "level headed" because that was how I survived

It seems to me that you are a decent person and see how vulnerable your mother is - and you do what you can - and you have your own health to think about - and also - if your mother continues to drink her life will not last as long as otherwise - you need to keep your own place because when she is gone - you will need a stable environment - you need to plan for your life after that - as as tough as that shoulds - it seems that you don't hate your Mum - you see her frailties and understand - and who if not you would help her? It's a balancing act for you - and apart from the guilt of not doing more and the grief of that - you are working on that balance

My mother did not want my help - or anything to do with me - and the last couple of years I have no idea what happened - I call my sister TS - Toxic Sister - who read my mail to my mother and knew I wanted to see her but never let me know anything - and yet tried to lay a guilt trip on me but failed. But she did have the care of our mother - the total care of her - but she was in a pretty classy environment - and I was satisfied my mother was well cared for - but as unwanted, unrequired and hated - I kept my distance and my self respect.

Thank you for your comments about my position - I did care for my son and that burned me out - he died when he was 16 - I could not help my mother - she was destructive - as you say - but we can only work out what is best for ourselves and see what is left over

But that rent - that is out of the question - way too much - but yes - decent rental accommodation is hard to come by - I am in Government housing and have a really nice unit - I don't know how old your mother is - but being on a list fo Government Housing is an idea - the rent is geared to 25% of income

I am glad you have joined us @PurpleFlowers - perhaps I should put up a new thread for all of this - many people suffer from guilt and grief about aging parents - and having the convo all in the one thread would be helpful

Decadian

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@PurpleFlowers wrote:

Hi @Former-Member

So if I put up boundaries then it is like I am punishing her (but I am just looking after myself). If did what my brothers have done over the years she would eat me alive but they seem to still as full adults still get away with it. I think that is a generational thing too!!!! I hope your weekend has gone well, take care too.. Thanks again. xx

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Hi Again @PurpleFlowers

Yes - you need those boundaries and you know you are not punishing her - you are caring for yourself - I hate the thought of parents eating their adult children alive but they do - and get away with it.

But for how long I wonder - and are your golden headed brothers really okay?

One thing I have noticed for many decades is that my TS - the favoured child - has never really developed into a well-rounded adult. There seems to be something missing - as if indeed - our mother has eaten her alive all these years

I love your day is as good as it can be

Dec

Hi @Decadian

Yes your right, I know I am not punishing her (although I have wanted to over the years because of all the times she abandoned, left me with crazies and was extremely cruel). I think part of helping her helps me to see her vulnerability and glimpses of her humaness under all that awful stuff and at the same time knowing that her cruel abusive side is still in there...Helping in some ways keeps my anger that could be very hurful under wraps. Yes and the golden head 'boys' have their dysfunctional ways but as they have been able to hold down jobs (unlike me) there seems to be more respect and care their way.. Sorry I hope the 'eatend alive' wasnt too dramatic but that sums up how I've felt at times through my life. Having a bit of a laugh to myself about the connation (always a good sign, a sense of humour about the madness of it all).

Hoping your day is good to you.

PurpleFlowers:)

Hello @Decadian

The elephant is in the room (but we dare not mention it).....She sure did catch the disease on her own and is the only one (if she chooses) to turn it around. I dont think in her 70's that is likely. Yes, there is many traumas and things she is not able to face.. Prices of rents are outrageous (mine is over half my money) and hers is 3/4.. I've mentioned 'social housing' and shes not wanting to at this stage. I have made other suggestions too but until she is ready I cannot do anything. In the mean time she will drink and not eat but thats not unusual but over the years shes worked really hard and kept functioning and which helped but thats not the case anymore. I think my motivation for helping is purely a feeling of the right thing to do and it helps me see glipses of humaness and which helps me but the moment she reverts to any kind of cruelty or abuse I've let her know I wont tolerate it. Yes and your right, I need to think beyond whats happening now with mum and look to my longer term needs and having foundations and balance (I deserve nothing less) and yet the feelings are complicated at times. Obviously still processing old patterns at times. Gosh @Decadian it sounds like you've just been completely outcast by your mother and sister and keeping your distance and self respect is so necessary. I do relate, I had a an almost 20 year departure from my mother after my father died and she met another crazy (I'd had enough) had my own child and had to get away). He died a few years ago and which is the only reason I thought I'd give it a small try out. In reality though, the only reason she is seeing me is because I'm helping her, if I wasnt im sure the cruel abuser would be back very quickly........

Oh my gosh I am so sorry to hear about your young son.. I cannot even imagine what you've been through and with all the cruelty and no support from your family as well:( Just not humane!!! You deserve so much better and I hope whomever comes into your life from this point on they treat you with the highest of respect and regard...PurpleFlowers