Can I please share what's going on with my husband - (possible BPD)

I wanted to give an up-date on what has been happening.

My husband phoned me this morning to tell me he has broken-up with this girl because her mother was pushing for divorce and he knew divorce was wrong. Strange how he now thinks it is wrong when he has gone ahead and asked to meet someone in view of marriage(on dating site) I am so confused. I asked him if he wanted to come back to me and he said, "no, he is still confused about "us". I found myself (almost pleading) until I realised what I was doing was NOT Good. He has admitted that he has committed adultery and i possibly would have MORE trust issues. I said, "yes, possibly". He wants to stay in Japan because he likes the food??? It's up to him. I said I just wanted him to heal and try and reconnect with God(because i know God is important to him). I hurt for him and said that I understand the hurt he is going through because break-ups are not easy. (I sure know about that). He said that he was feeling a little depressed. I am not sure if what he shares with me is true but i know I need to let go.

Last Thursday I had a good day. I decided I wanted to do a course at TAFE. But on Thursday night, i received a call from DOCS asking me if I could take my niece(12 years old) into my care. I was hesitant at first because my husband's family have given me nothing but grief, sorrow and hurt and it was my Mother in law(who hates me) that gave them my name. I told DOCS I was struggling with my physical and mental health. The worker was not really concerned. She said, "it's only for one night". So, they brought her out here and then it changed from one night to weekend. And I signed papers. I had to cancel my weekend plans and also my Counselling apt today. Please don't think I am selfish, I love my niece and she needs protection but I am dealing with a lot too.

I had to plead with DOCS today for some money. I barely have enough for myself. They said they will give me a Woolworths voucher $100 tomorrow. They are coming to interview my niece. They asked me if I could be her legal guardian. i said I don't know. I can't say "yes" when I don't even know my own future. i wanted to do the TAFE course and really, in some way, separate from my husband's messy family. I still have a myraid of health tests and I need to heal from grief (loss of mum and 18 year marriage).

DOCS asked me if someone in my family (or someone from my church) might like to take care of my niece and become her legal guardian. They talk like she is a "puppy". It's very sad.

I love my niece and I am trying my best to care for her. It is difficult. I have hashimotos (I don't drive due to vision loss) and I am grieving intensely. I have a husband(it's his brother's daughter) in another country.

Today my niece got upset with me because i don't drive and we are on foot(catching buses and trains) to get to our destination. But what can I do? I didn't ask for this.

I don't want to sound mean. i do love her and I am trying my best.

I am always strong for others. It would be nice if someone could be strong for me.

My husband's family have failed my niece. I am doing my best, but if I should fall, who takes care of her?

Hi @Grace01

Thanks for being in touch. You have been on my mind, and you will have been in the thoughts of others here as well.

That has been a full-on time for you, on top of what has already happened. It is good to see you have been taking care of yourself, and you caught yourself mid-action in a behaviour you recognised wasn't in your best interests - well done !

It is so sad to hear about your niece, and as usual your good-naturedness saw you taking her in, even though you are not in great shape to deal with that. Are there other people in your life who could take your necessary out for a morning or an afternoon at least, to give you some emotional respite, even if they won't have her to stay with them overnight ? Perhaps the care of her can be shared out, without making her feel like she is being passed around.

if she is to stay with you for the longer term, can you have a conversation with her (is she mature enough ?) where you explain that you are suffering as she is, and you need to help care for each other if she wants to share your home ? It is the sort of situation that will have her growing up fast, and she will have to grasp the seriousness of her predicament. She can't afford to be unco-operative and demanding. While you can spare her some compassion, under your current circumstances, that will run to fatigue very quickly. Can you ask her to be understanding about that ? She is going to be hurting too, but you will need to let her know that you won't be able to cope with much added pressure, and will have to return her to DOCS if she can't help you make it work for both of you.

There is potential, if she can settle in a bit and help with household chores, for her presence in your home to be supportive of you, but you would have to work out boundaries and privacy zones for it to work.

Lead with love and see what happens in the next little while. A different solution might show up in the meantime.

Wishing you courage and strength, and offering you a listening ear anytime. Night Shift on the Lived Experience side of the forum is virtually operating 24/7, if you are awake during the night sometimes and want a distraction or company. You don't have to post, you can just follow along and add in 'likes' where it suits you. Someone will probably say "hi" back again.

💗

Hi @Grace01,

Your niece is a huge arrival of responsibility on your doorstep suddenly. I don't think you are sounding selfish. It's something that needs to be given very careful thought. I have a cousin who took on the infant child of her great niece on a night's notice and has been a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown for years since, with little, often no support from DOCS, from what I understand. I don't have any answers, they are very big issues and I have little direct experience of this latest dilemma in your life. My first instinct is that your own current personal crisis and health issues would seem to make taking on your niece an impossibility. But I understand how terrible it is that no-one wants to look after your niece. I do hope DOCS do not pressure you to make a hasty decision on the permanent outcome with this situation (which happened with my cousin). Sending kindest wishes.

Hi Grace,

Its good to hear from you again - thanks for letting us know how you have been getting on as we have been thinking about you.

I was equally pleased that you realise that in regards to your husband that you need to let go. A step forward to recovery. As yes, you do have a lot to recover from - grief and health issues. You aren't being selfish at all.

It does sound like not only mother-in-law dearest too, advantage of you but also the Docs worker. You made it clear you were not up to caring for your niece for sound reasons yet they enforced her on you really - taking advantage of your kind heartedness. And yes, you could go under from the strain which will not only set you back but will not offer your poor niece the stability she needs either. The further you are both away from your husband's family the better for both of you.

The demands of a young person entering their teens can be trying for anyone - for someone who has been through a traumatic experience lime yourself it could prove the straw that broke the camels back. There are many loving foster families out there who could give your niece a permanent loving home where you could visit and support her - but your needs and health must be a priority now if you are to be there for anyone. Perhaps once again assert a bit more strongly to docs that you are not up to the task mentally and physically at the moment and to seek out other living arrangements.

This post is a continuation from the last as my computer keeps freezing on me:-

cont:-

The TAFE course sounds like a good idea - a goal to strive for a new beginning. May I ask which course it is? I wish I could do it with you as I myself need to try new things for me. As I like you have always been the strong one there for others with my own needs and welfare overlooked - and there comes a time when we need to show ourselves some compassion and care as I have found that when the chips are down us good hearted people will usually be left out to pasture. We also need to do what is good for us.

Do the course Grace and start to build a new life for yourself where you feel valued and happy - it's your time now for a brand new beginning. Let us know how it goes. Warm hugs xx

Thanks so much for your support. It's a real estate course. (Cert. four)

I am glad to be supported. I took care of my mother for a long time. She had dementia. Being a carer is difficult, especially when you have health challenges.

If I keep going, I will fall into a heap and who will pick ME up?

It's important for me to be well and OK. And if that means saying "NO" then so be it.

Thanks.

Good for you, @Grace01 ! It sounds like the overnight chat has helped you to see the path you need to take.

Hugs 💗

We will be here whenever you want to chat. Wishing you courage and strength in your follow-through. You are stepping up over your issues really well, and that is no small thing 🌸

Thanks, sorry havent read all the replies yet. DOCS are coming out today

I am glad i am supported.

I have visual impairment and dont drive but i would love to get back to driving, if i can at least pass the eye test. But i need to to do this for me - no one else.

I am not a mother, i have no experience as a parent. I lost my only baby fifteen years ago in my womb. If I wanted to be a mum, I would have made that possible through adoption.

My husband's issues alone, will send me over the edge if I allow them. This is his flesh and blood and maybe he and his other family members need to pull their heads together to look after their own.

My health is quite serious. And by not getting to the drs, I am putting my life at risk.

But I have to home-school this child.

My Life is important and I want to d o the course. An dI want to be on my own now. I don't want to answer to others .Looked after a mum who had dementia. That was difficult. Loved my mum but got little support.

Time for me for my sanity and health. Thanks again . I am a caring person and do care about her.

Yes you do care about your niece @Grace01, but if you do say no to caring for her as a guardian, DOCS and her extended blood family will have to come up with another solution.

That is exactly what they are trying to do now with you. They want you to be their solution, but you know you have cared and supported enough for now, and it's you who needs that care and support flowing back into your life.

You have given everybody else a little bit of space in taking your niece for the weekend, but that is clearly enough, and has confirmed to you that it is no something that you can sustain ongoing. I am glad it has helped confirm that for you. That message is coming through clearly to us here now. Deliver it just as clearly to DICS. We have been your sounding-board.

I support absolutely what @Mazarita Has said about this niece being on the cusp of her teenage years, when they turn into something that many of their own parents struggle to cope with. If you haven't paddled that current before, which you have said loud and clear, then the last thing you need is to take that on with an already troubled teen.

Come in with doctor's and psychologist letters of support for your situation if they try to press you over this.

We are with you @Grace01. You know your own integrity. Have courage and strength, and stand by it.

There will be another path for your niece.

❤️❤️❤️

@Grace01 - I cannot of course 'diagnose' but I have done VERY similar things to your husband when in a hypo- manic phase in Bi Polar II.

Some of the clues you give that make me think Bi Polar is a possibility is:

• He is a rather "excitable person"
• He is always a dreamer with big plans, plenty of energy, eats fast, talks fast, walks fast....and doesn't need a lot of sleep!
• Sometimes starts projects and doesn't finish them and sometimes goes into big plan that don't do so well.
• Has had some minor depression
• started exercising like crazy this year. He was running excessively and weighing himself constantly.
• IN March he went on dating site (out of character behaviour)
• Quit his long-standing job, took out lots of loans/credit cards, gambling again,and has gone to Japan in hope of starting a new life
• Became irritable over last few weeks. (transition from Hypo mania often is accopanied by irritability)
• Shaved his head, grew a beard as well. (sudden change of appearance to try to match now 'me')
• He isn't particularly flirty (but is now, hyper sexuality can occur in hypo mania)

That he may have a co-morbitidty of Obsessive Compulsive Diorder (the thinking kind, not the repetitive action kind)

• It appears that he does plan a lot and thinks about things intensely..and often obsession

It is a very hard time for you, and I am so sorry you are going through it. For him too - because perhaps when he crashes out the other side of this bright sparkly new life he will have deep feelings about all he has done.

I cannot give you any advice per se - and it is not my place to do so - however, i wonder if it would help if you sent him a message just saying - When you come back to earth i (and your vegetable garden) are here for you. (If that is what you want). In the meantime do all you can to look after yourself. There are CArer support lines that I have found very helpful recently, just to talk the hard stuff through from that perspective.

Are there specific problems with him having gone AWOL? Paying mortgage, or bills or other practical things you need help with? How will you approach those practical things? Are your finances joint bank accounts? Could you get a freeze on them?

PS: I have just read Melody Moezzi's book "<drug name starting with H> and Hyacinths" it is one of the best descriptions I have read of Bi Polar.