Failed ECT

Sounds like it's time to do some research into the realities of making the move possible @Jennifer_waugh. I live in public housing in the NT and would love to be closer to family on the east coast again but would have to rent on the open market for years before I could get into public housing again. It's one of the major obstacles for me. I am pretty isolated but I have security and stability and affordability here and I'm not ready to give that up yet. For the last 2 years I've kept a folder on my desk where I add notes about what is needed to make the move as I think of them. That way it doesn't keep going round in my head.

@Jennifer_waugh, I am in awe of your dream. Knowing now that Medicine/Law is not for you and lifting your eyes to see, embrace what IS. Media ... is this journalism? Or something else?

Yesterday, base don your earliest posts I would have been saying, rest, consolidate where you are. Today _ I see a woman who, knows what she wants. What kinds of things do you think you could put in place to make the transisition from where you are to Melbourne?

Housing/Home - I see you have thought about.
What other things , networks, supports could you potentially arrange from where you are to fulfil your dream and new direction?

I Love Sam Cannon's art... And I saw this and thought of all of us who struggle, but who have hope too.

All sounds very positive @Jennifer_waugh. So happy that you are focussing on the future now.

Absolutely love the dragonfly image @MoonGal Dragonflies represent transformation to me and I have 3 little plastic ones that go everywhere with me on my windscreen and dash of my car.

I'm still getting there @Jennifer_waugh. Winding down now at the end of a long day but will try to give you a detailed answer tomorrow. You might like to join in over on the Night-Shift thread (we use it day and night). It's pretty active tonight. There are lots of us that share there and we'll make you welcome.

Hi @Jennifer_waugh

I havent risen from any ashes, just plodding onward, but content about many of my long term decisions and some life situations.

I am a Melbourne girl. My daughter did her masters in media, and has been very successful, got a good job in the media dept and doing a Phd.

Whichever uni you get into would have many people who might make the transition easier. Help with making friends and networking new postgrads on campus. No need to rush anything. @eth is wise. Take notes and make plans slowly. Steady she goes is the best and safest way when we have had a few emotional scares.

@Jennifer_waugh - Morning, I am up early with a busy-head. So it is good to have something to focus on.

You said "Can anyone give me some of their background of how they rose from the Ashes?"

This is something I have thought about a lot... We ARE.... Resilient Beings.






I am constantly arising, and falling and burning. Like a pheonix - eh? A mythical creature who lives, but ends in ashes and is reborn, over and over.

It is like this. I live with a number of 'labels' which go someway to explaining my lived reality but everyone who may live with these 'labels' experiences it differently. Bi Polar II, CPTSD, OCD and core anxiety. I also occaisionally have psychotic features... oh what fun it is to ride the 10 horse open sleigh, hey!

I remake myself constantly, There really is no specific "I" in here, she was stolen as a little kid due to early childhood trauma. She was given a ticket to ride a life that is full of terror, deep depression, moodiness, over-thinking and social awkwardness.

What I have made of my life is pretty awesome really, I DO rise from the ashes, time and time again and with each rising, I have learned something of value. Because I pay attention, I try to stay as present as I can when I can. I make it a point to come into the NOW and ask myself where am I up to? what do I want? how will I get there? Is it doable?

I try to make hay while the sunshines, if I have just come out of a 1 day, 3 day, 9 day, 2 week, 6 week, 3 month horror stretch as SOON as I have my brain on I try to get focussed on things I enjoy and that furthers my interests.

I am intersted in environment, compassionate conservation, animal welfare, activism, politics, social justice as values - and art, graphic design, website design and writing as interests.

If I could have my time over again sans the Mental health issues I think I would be a veterinary surgeon and a good one. Or a teaching veterinary surgeon.

Unlike you I never did get to University. I left school first term year 10 at 15 because I was nuts even then. Later in my 20's I had very high ASAT score, and was accepted into speech pathology, but the process of getting accepted tipped me over the edge into mania and spriralled me off into Alice in Wonderland so I never showed up. I ended up working retail (I am an excellent customer service person) and wholsesale sales, then into community services, leading a telephone counselling team and ended up a trainer and educator for 5 years, jumped from that into adminsitration in local government and NGO's. I rose steadily by job choices and was a Team Leader Admininstration & Systems Manager (and part of the Management Team for the organisation) managing a team of 9 people. That was a remarkable acheivement for an undiagnosed (at the time) Do Lally Tat person. I made some very good choices for long term career and work AND some very bad ones in day to day realtionships with workmates and employers. In the end I am haunted by the bad ones and too often fail to recognise my own acheivements and capacity. It is the lot of people who over-think, are anxious and very down on themselves to not see all the wondrous, strong, clever, creative, consistent and high acheivments in their own lives.

I have the support of a very solid, fairly unemotional and definately not a drama-llama rocklike partner (of 24 years duration I made a good choice there!) who helped get me through. That person also reflects my acheivements back to me and challenges me when I am being overly self-critical. They say "That is not helpful" or "that is not true".

Then it (it, being the $80k a year 60 hour a week job) all fell apart after i sustained a very nasty back injury, had surgery, developed chronic pain syndrome, was bullied at work and ended up being 'made redundant'.

I fell apart into a million pieces in 2011 and am just putting myself back together now. I won't be working in paid work again. I am 55 this year. My mind feels 30 and my body 80.

So rising from the ashes yet again of childhood abuse (which is a reset, rerise over and over because of PTSD) - I seek to live solidly in my values. An excellent psychologist helped me find my "values" and name them. I already lived by them but had no sense of what they were or "who" I was. Identifying my values put me togteher fairly solidly into a "Self". I would reccomend that one of the things that can help us "rise from the ashes" (over and over) is having a strong underpining and understanding of our own *values - of our SELF so that we can come back to her and inhabit her strongly when we can.

I am a succcess because I am still here, cultivate a sense of humour, look outward as much as I can, my core value is that Love is an Act of the Will - so I will myself to be loving, kind, helpful, and work hard to overcome a natural propensity to cynicism, judegmentalism and crippling self-doubt.

In the end, trying to get as stable as possible for as long as possible helps me fulfil whatever work it is I have in front of me (I am creating a website for an NGO in Africa at the moment, pro bono) and learning new things keeps my brain working.

I also give myself permission to change.

I live by this quote.

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Samuel Beckett



*values in this sense I mean - "principles or standards of behaviour; one's judgement of what is important in life." and applying my own values to my behaviour, interactions, relationships and interests.