Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

The hubby I stood by through ten years of marriage decline based on addiction behaviours turns out to have what appears to be NPD ...... based on a Discard accompanied by an affair - totally out of character as we knew him to be - and he is following through by ticking all the other NOD boxes that there are.

I am mentioning this because it is a highly abusive condition that starts with "gentle" forms of devaluation, but that is paddling in the shallows. It increases across time from there. Gaslighting and what is known as "word salad" are big features of the condition, and I recently encountered The Smear Campaign in an incredibly deceitful way.

If there is any chance that is what you have going on with your husband, I can't recommend working with a counsellor for you enough ...... someone with training and experience to "diagnose by remote" well enough to help you make decisions you need to make, and explain how this invidious condition works. It leaves you feeling like a punching bag, and confused, and isolated ..... quite deliberately.

Its not something to try to manage on your own, as it appears to be at the moment, but if it helps to demystify what you are up against, you can begin to u der stand the patterns, predict responses, take evasive action, and help to get the support around you that you need and deserve.

A carers heart is a soft and loving one, most of the time, and that is the prime target of someone with NPD. If that is not what your hubby has, he may have traits, and a counsellor of your own can help you with strategies and a self-care plan. If you speak with your doctor, there is financial support available through a mental health plan, which is not just about mental health conditions. It's also about helping to prevent carer's burnout, which is a real thing.

More gentle hugs incoming @Carlachris ..... 💕💕💕

Hi @Scoo 👋

Thankyou Faith and Hope, such a horrid time you have been through. I dont think we are alone. The traits and behaviours of our loved ones have a wearing effect upon us all. I am very thankful to have this thread and the forum.
Again I tried to reach out but no luck. Until we are out of this Victoria knightmare of Cov situation Victoria things are unable to change. Hubby has seen his GP today and it has helped but for how long who knows. "Word salad"is a good way to describe that thing. My husband is Aspergers so I think it is coiming from there but again who knows. ...i will definitely keep a look out for other traits but for now the anger has to be dealt with and is one day at a time until the GP can coax him back onto proper meds. I have discussed with GP the inappropriate frienship he has with his phsychologist and no real therapy is being done and that is being looked into by more experienced phsychiatrists. Baby steps at this stage. But ever so slightly forward. With the help of sedatives. Its heartbreaking to hear what you have been through. Thankyou for the reply.

I am glad there has been at least some minor relief for you @Carlachris (@ symbol creates a "tag" to the person's email Inbox). The other things you mentioned are also raising red flags for me ..... I am so glad you are having it looked into. Once you know the behaviours associated with NPD - and its a spectrum so it slides from healthy traits associated with self-respect and self-preservation, to a full blown personality disorder that is truly toxic and irreparable - they become unmistakable.

I am sort-of glad I didn't know though. I am trwasuring the memories of who I once thought him to be, and the wonderful way that version of him had presented for a very long time, albeit under workaholism patterns 🚩which I am now also really thankful for .....

It is cited in medical circles that if there is one non-NPD parent it can keep the kids of the relationship relatively safe, but you have to consider whether you are a co-dependent and seek help to break trauma-bonds from your own childhood if you are ......

Huge education ..... !!!!

Thanks so much for your empathy. It goes a long way in supporting the healing of my life.

@Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Carlachris @Shaz51

this is a good thread, I'm glad I found it. The name of the thread gives me hope even though I'm only 2 years into this relationship, I'm too old the start all over again and I hate being single.

Carlachris - mine is excellent at talking his way around the ambos.. not that I've ever called them. Mine is affected by bipolar but is also prone to rants in public. He rarely leaves the house now, but the neighbours still hear him.

Do they all gaslight to a degree? That seems to be a general thread weaving through a lot of posts I read. It also helps me maintain the fact that I am not sick. They certainly all practice some form of denial. Mine takes his meds but won't go to therapy - he needs both.

Darcy and Shaz - both your Mr's have physical issues as well? So does mine. Fibromyalgia. He is also refusing to have the diabetes test even though his feet are going numb and he has had these horrible skin eruptions for more than a year and won't go to the specialist. They are quite painful and get infected - which then triggers the bipolar rage.

it's the going round and round in circles over the same old ground that wears you down

much love to all

S x

Hi and welcome to the forums @SJT63. Finding the forums was an amazing experience for me - just that feeling of not being so alone, of a community that inately understands what you're going through by the living of similar experiences.

I am glad you're here ....

SJT63 im gald you found us as well. Over the years it has been so hard being the invisible in the equation of our loved ones MI journey. I for one am FED Up with the only advice being to leave and loose my husband to the broken ineffectual mercy of "The System". After everything we have learned about improving the stigma and stance of MI in the community to walk away would only drop our loved ones on the street. Dealing with MI....good help and sound advice is the only way forward for us. But theres the thing. I cant find any.

Where do I stand as a Wife? It seems nowhere.
My hubby is bipolar, paranoid personality disorder and Aspergers among other things. Extremely intelligent Acedemic. But incapable of functioning in the norm and when ill lives like a dirty slob.The Angry outbursts at strangers in the street and neighbours the same. I cant keep being his emotional bodyguard. Its making me ill. I have fibromyalgia.
I feel the gaslighting is really a by product of fear even terrifying insecutity. PTSD, Trauma. Same thing different label.Their inability to see the reason behind society being concerned for someone loosing their Sh**t in public pure denial. Hasnt helped us having a useless Phsychologist who has encouraged him to come off his meds that he had been safely on for decades. Inappropriate friendship not helping him as a patient.

My husband has diabetes but amazingly it is well controlled Sounds like yours urgently needs that addressed as it will only get worse. The feet are the first to go sounds like he has necrosis. But the question will always be how? Getting them to a GP can be a massive EVENT as we all know. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE RAGE........ So tired of the RAGES. Im RAGEING NOW at the LACK of TRUE GENUINE HELP not just platitudes and excuses. Im his wife I should Matter. It has to change. We need to be included in the daily care management of ourloved ones in crisis when they jump the boundaries. I for one want to get off the damned round about still dont know how but this forum is a starting place. Big hugs

@SJT63 ^^^^

Mine takes his meds but won't go to therapy -- same here @SJT63

mine has no friends any more, only me & his very elderly mum ---- same here too @SJT63

but i don't have any friends anymore

and now i am a carer for my mum

soo glad you are here my friend

Hello and hugs @Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope , @Carlachris , @Scoo , @Determined , @Lost1 , @Lisek , @Sasha_86 , @Tiggeroo , @LizzieLou , @Emelia8

well mr shaz is glad the week is over , he is over everything at the moment

Hi @SJT63 👋

I once read somewhere that the partnerships that tend to survive mental illness in a healthy way are ones where the unwell partner gives full disclosure, takes responsibility for their treatment (both medication and lifestyle) and allows their partner to be part of their care team and tackle things together. On the flip side the well person needs to treat their partner as an equal, does not become the therapist or enabler but advocates for their loved one and sets boundaries when needed. They are flexible when it comes to increasing care when necessary and holding back when it is not. Being aware of the impact on our own well-being, engaging in self care and having our own counseling is important.

I went from being the person who would ask "have you taken your meds?" to someone who said "this can be managed, let's see what we can do to make this as easy for you as possible" and began setting things into place to help. I decided if I was going to stick around that I would care for him lovingly and willingly (but not be a doormat). We started eating healthier, began to go out and enjoy visiting tourist places, encouraged sleep hygiene, helped him tackle the problematic side effects, I learnt the lingo and advocated strongly so Mr D is on the "least restrictive" meds for his condition and produced scholarly articles to back up any request for med changes that Mr D had that I felt reasonable ie would not advocate going off all meds. I empathized, but also focused on the "can do" side of things.

My husband does not gaslight and he does not abuse substances. The hardest time was when he was psychotic, suicidal and going AWOL. Since he was put on the right meds for him he stabilised and our relationship took a turn for the better even though he still has struggles that are inherent to his condition.

Yes he does have other health conditions, earlier this year was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and although not formally diagnosed I suspect he has fibromyalgia following significant trauma. With his cancer diagnosis. Again I am using the same mantra that he should live as well as possible for as long as possible. I am now advocating strongly in relation to the meds that are given whilst he is on chemo and ensuring the pdoc has input in any decision as to whether or not Mr D accepts any drugs that are on offer for the control of chemo side effects as there are a lot of potential interactions and drugs that can induce mania, cause mood swings or cause other pychiatric disturbances . Mr D does not engage with therapy as such but I did encourage him to speak to a cancer counselor to help with the big emotions which he did for 3 sessions. Recently he reached out to an acquaintance who is a mental health nurse/counselor and has seen him "as a friend" a couple of times and I am sure will do so again if he feels the need.