Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

Ok thanks. Drained but ok. MI can be incredibly selfish some days.

Having purpose seems to always help my hubby as well. He just can’t get out of his head long enough to find a path to follow.

It is well documented that appropriate involvement in our partners care leads to better outcomes for both relapse prevention and our relationships. I firmly believe that we are an integral part of our partners treatment and care teams and that our observations help the pdocs in both diagnosis formulation and treatment options.

Finding what works for us as couples is different and I find I need to check in with Mr D from time to time to ensure I am keeping a good level of support for his needs.

Sadly many treatment and care teams are not proactive in providing or referring to family therapy/psych education or suggesting carer counseling to help us cope with the negative emotions of caregiving (which leads to better outcomes for their patients) - the medical term for this is "expressed emotion"

I was most grateful that the team suggested I get counseling and at my request, his pdoc gave me a carer work certificate for time off to attend 2 carer education sessions that were helpful as I was tending towards over-involvement.

Just doing is a good option @Mrsjones and a great tip from @Sophie1 . I can certainly relate to Mr Darcy saying he wasn't hungry and emerging when tea was cooked 😁. A few times he was stubborn and would not come out and I would eat on my own and he would emerge later and eat his serving that I had put in the fridge.

As for hope, it took a very long time after his attempt for Mr D to stop saying things that indicated an absence of hope and then to start saying things which indicated that he was looking forward to things or to express enjoyment. I was intentional about living as well as possible in spite of his diagnosis and focusing on that rather than on the negatives which was a huge mindset shift for me. I found honing my sense of humour and choosing to see the lighter side of things essential.

Thanks @Former-Member

My biggest engery killer for me is responding to every negative comment with yet another solotuion to try and get him to believe/ understand that management and recovery is possible. It is really hurting me and feels like a little chuck of me falls off each time. I get myself so upset over it. I need to just stop. How would you recomend I respond to these sorts of conversations? Do I just acknowledge that he feels that way and thats it, or go about it another way?

This week (week 7 of Mr being away) feels like its getting harder for me, not easier. Its like I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time.

@Mrsjones

It is important to be ever so gentle with yourself, we all want the best for our partners and it is very scary when their conditions become life threatening.

Acknowledging Mr Ds feelings made a real difference (something I needed to learn).

I started to do saying that yes having bipolar ii is a bummer, that it is tough going and that I appreciate him doing what was necessary to manage it.

I reminded him that med changes can and do take a while to kick in and that we do need to speak up about side effects. I encouraged mood charting so that we had something tangible to show if the medications as prescribed were helpful and this has been most useful in monitoring mood as his crisis meds have been withdrawn.

Sadly Mr Darcy did have an adverse experience in hospital and I this along with the advice of one of the pdocs to "look things up" and the subsequent realisation of how ignorant I was about psych matters compelled me to understand about the different diagnoses that had been rendered in relation to Mr D (there were a few) and their treatment . I realised that Mr D needed someone to be on his team and I needed to speak up and advocate for him and to raise any concerns he had.

I think perhaps once I was confident in the diagnosis and that Mr D was finally being given appropriate medication following his ECT that I was able to start to relax (despite being treatment compliant Mr D's condition kept getting worse.)

As with other chronic conditions, MI is ongoing. Mr D finding things a little stressful at present.

@Former-Member

Mr Jones does track his moods, his got a app that he likes and share the data with his phsychologist. He doesnt really involove me in this too much but maybe if I ask about it a bit more and show my interest he may include me in that.

Yes, I need to learn to agree with how he feels without trying to make him feel a different way.

Dr has changed some meds today and he has his 10th ECT session on Monday, so ive got fingers crossed for any improvements this week but dont hold my hopes.

Ive been reading up on that Carers Course you sent me, there is some great information in there. Ive finding it very useful. Thank you 🙂

I think I may be trying to do too many things at once between making change at home/ lifestyle and other recomendations for Mr Jones management of illness. In saying that Mr and I have always been like that - 100 miles an hour with multiple things happening at once.

@Mrsjones working things out takes time. I know I still could do things better, but hey, none of us are perfect.

Doing what we do with tenderness and love ....

@Mrsjones how are you going?

@Carlachris thinking of you and the academic, how did things go attending to the paperwork?

@Former-Member

Im handling things ok... i think.

Im finding everything is getting harder as the time goes on.

I go back to work in 8 weeks from maternity leave, my husband is meant to be staying at home with our baby girl. Im feeling really unsure about how that may look to us now. Even if he is home and well enough to be at home with her can I trust him to make the right decisions.... he using alcohol to suppress his emotions and mood, can I trust that he wont drink whilst he is with her. (he goes to a alcool program once a week to support this addiction). I have been lightly talking to him about this and about speaking up so that he is safe around our kids.

I just feel like every day I have a new issue to try and solve.

How are you and Mr D going?