Hello everyone...
Thank you all for being your wonderful selves. And to those who have sent messages directed to me, I also thank you for your continued care, concern and engaged connection through this tenuous thread of communication that our continuum of continuous compassion creates...
Yes, I am somewhat high these days. Stresses associated with several anniversaries - Mother's Day recently - triggering for many on here - and the anniversary of my ex-wife walking out the front door without a word, thus ending our 10 year marriage...
These things... they take their toll. I write a lot about how I am able to sidestep the bipolar nuclear power reactor that is my all-day-every-day life...
You know, the self evolution revolution, and my on-going dedication to keep exploring life to the fullest...
All the philosophy and Zen stuff, the Krishnamurti, the Eckhart Tolle, the alpha and the omega, the sum total of all that I have learned and unlearned throughout the course of my life...
But at the end of the day, there is a simple truth. No matter how wise we become, no matter how adept we are, no matter how guided by real lived experience we are, no matter how proudly we bear our scars from previous life troubles and travails, still there is this truth...
Life can be difficult. It can hurt....
But it is magnificent all the same, in all its wonder...
I am coping really well with the rough ride that I have been presented with. All social events tend to trigger me these days, as I have currently swung much to the Introvert side of my personality. This is a natural thing. I observe it. I have insight into it. I embrace it, and ride it as best I can....
But...
It takes its toll....
Everything takes its toll. We are all faced with things in our lives that de-energise us, that suck our energy out of us, that make us feel exhausted and drained and unable to cope...
This seems to be a natural state of things...
But is there another way?
Ask yourselves this question... as Krishnamurti says... don't listen to the speaker! I am not trying to tell you what the truth is. I am suggesting that you look within yourselves and explore whether there is a universal truth that you each can find within the greater context of yourselves...
Is there a way to navigate through these natural ebbs and flows of energy within your personal sphere of self? Being bipolar, I know a little bit about stormy seas. My inner world of emotions burn like wildfire...
It's hard to explain to people not afflicted with significant diagnosable mental health issues. Having bipolar is one of the most difficult things you will ever deal with. A normal mundane boring everyday humdrum day can be filled with such mind-blowing heart-thumping raw emotion and drama and chaos that you are totally unable to contain the energy and power within, or it can be totally drained to the dullest grey, with the taste of ash in your mouth, totally unable to connect with the world, and profoundly uncaring about that fact...
I have previously had a fierce temper. Now I have made my peace with this inner beast, and though it has not been tamed, it purrs happily, content with the constructive ways of channeling that energy which I have found to be rewarding for myself and for those around me...
Creative ways...
Always seek to create, with love and compassion...
I throw these words across your page. Some of you read it, and it connects with you. Perhaps it fires you to stop for a moment and think about something really deeply, to explore it, to hold it in your mental hands inside your head, and to stare at it with your mind's inner eye...
The observer...
The Observer...
Watching without judging...
That is what saves me so much of the time. I wouldn't say that it turns me into a Mr. Spock... but it does provide the safe and balanced calm peaceful level which can be assailed by all of my crazy upside-down emotions, but still they remain firm and safe and calm and peaceful...
I detach from and observe my emotions. That allows me to understand, to gain insight into the whys and wherefores, and then to smile knowingly at it and say "Ah so, this is why I do this thing in my life, and have been repeating the same life pattern for decades. This is a wonderful day, to learn this thing. Truly, this is a gift."...
So, yes, I have been under immense pressure lately. A wedding of my lovely partner's son, all of the leadup to that... the upcoming trip to Denmark to visit the family... that is in itself a hornets' nest...
Here is a brief breakdown...
Last time I went to Denmark, I went with my mum. I had been copping a lot of pressure from my two Danish aunts (mum's sisters) that I needed to do something about her drinking. For those not in the loop, my mum was an alcoholic. I was born addicted to alcohol and nicotine, one month premature and fighting for his life...
So, this both was and was not my problem... what to do? I can lead the horse to water, but I can not force it to drink. Or, more accurately, I can lead the horse to the bar, but I can not stop it from drinking...
Dad and I had been down that road for decades... the DTs and shakes and the days-long cold turkey withdrawals... all of that... dad approached it with an iron fist... controlled the family finances. But mum always found ways to squirrel money away and buy rotgut homebrew spirits and stuff...
Mostly, at home here in Oz, it was kept somewhat under control, with a flareup every 2 years or so...
A repeating pattern since I was born...
Repeating in my bipolar, funnily enough... hahaha... similar cycle... perhaps that says much... [Si makes mental note to explore this thought further...]
So, dear old dad controlled things (or thought he did) at home. It was a tough job for him... for all of us...
But mum wanted to go back and visit her mum and the rest of the family in Denmark. Fair enough, too... the tyranny of distance is a cruel cruel thing that hurts so very much...
And so, even though we were poor, we skimped and skrimped and saved and did whatever we could, and we bought flights to Denmark every 2 years for mum...
Once I was earning a wage, I paid for a few trips for both mum and dad to go back to Denmark and Switzerland. It was the least I could to for the people that brought me to life...
But there was a darker side to this... mum saw this as a golden opportunity to fully release her alcoholism, and since she would always be gone for 3 months, it sure took its toll...
The second to last time she went back to Denmark, she had been on a 3 month bender, and they had to wheel her off the flight in a wheelchair... I remember carrying her up the front steps of my house. I remember her shaking, and the fact that she felt like a wounded bird, all frail and light...
And so, when I went to Denmark with her, and being pressured by my aunts to do something about mum not drinking so much when she went to Denmark (because they could all see what it was doing to destroy her), I had a "serious chat" with her, and laid the law down...
I said that all I asked was that she could show me that she had some level of self control, and could maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol during the 4 weeks that I was there. I said that the rest of her 3 month stay was her own affair, to do with as she pleased without judgement...
She agreed...
She lied...
I went for a walk one day when mum and I were staying at grandma's little 1 bedroom apartment. I had hurt my foot the day before, and so I returned from the walk straight away - my toe was too sore...
And what did I find? I opened the front door, walked into the kitchen, and spotted mum standing there by the sink, sucking down wine directly from a cask... milking the goon bag, as it were...
I left. I was a younger, much more reactionary person then. I was a slave to my emotions, and my emotions told me that I had been hurt very badly by this betrayal. She couldn't even last a week... I had asked her for 4 weeks, and it was only 5 days in...
Sigh...
So, there are many feelings about going back to Denmark. I want to go, but I also don't want to. It's complicated, as all of these things are when we allow thought and emotion to control things too much...
Also, my grandma, one of my favourite people ever, she died about 6 months before mum did. I haven't been back to Denmark since she died. It's kind of like it won't feel real that she is dead until I'm there with the family and she isn't...
All these things, tearing at one from inside out...
I may have all of this stuff under control and glide through it all smiling and Zen, but that's not to say that it isn't the most difficult thing ever, every single moment of my life...
There is the peace... the acceptance... the observer... the insight... the wisdom... the joy... the love... the compassion...
That... well, that's a lotta great reasons to live,right there...
Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you all...
Remember... it's all about your self evolution. Keep striving to be better in part, and keep accepting that you don't always live up to your own high ideals of yourself...
🙂
