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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Nov 2019, 9:38 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember17 Nov 2019, 3:38 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7 , @outlander it's true, I am heart sore, but not scared I'll hurt myself this time, so far. That's a relief. Two weeks to go for my Jo22nd. But proud of myself getting to church Oday. Meeting new ppl. Hate all the questions though... what bought you here? Where were you before? do you have grandchildrengrandchildre? (first time I've been asked that one😮) The answer to all these Q are complicated. Does it really matter?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember17 Nov 2019, 3:41 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

love the pic @Zoe7 , just gorgeous, thanks 😁

💜❤️🧡💛💚💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember17 Nov 2019, 4:04 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Adge, thought of you this morning while having morning cuppa in the sunshine. I little finch came bouncing around on the grass, so cute, and cute little chirp. Can't find the Bird thread today :face_with_rolling_eyes: but here you are. Are you ok? And birds?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

outlanderSenior Contributor17 Nov 2019, 6:58 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

well done for going to church and meeting new people. I know it can be so daunting having all these questions thrown at you. I do hope some of these new people will blossom into friends though. @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor17 Nov 2019, 7:10 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor17 Nov 2019, 9:23 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member It's weird that the notification for your post (tag) just came right now - when the post says that you wrote it 5 hours ago. I don't get that.

The baby Java finches (about 4) are doing well. 2 are out sitting on the floor.

Just as well that it's in my aviary. If they sat on the ground in nature, they would get eaten in 5 minutes flat.

My childhood SA abuser (cousin) tried repeatedly to phone me on Friday afternoon (again) - went into a tail-spin.

I've had no contact with this person for the past 9 years (except seeing him at Dad's Funeral), yet he is narcissistic (totally selfish) & insistent.

Work colleagues insulted me repeatedly on Friday (after the stress of my car repairs already).

Then I've had one of the most wiped-out (totally exhausted) weekends on record - probably due to too many triggers.

I've been trying all weekend to pick myself back up.

The baby Javas are lovely - my neighbour insisted on coming to see them at 7.00am yesterday morning. It was lovely that she wanted to see them, but far too early.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember17 Nov 2019, 9:57 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @ Adge that's horrible what happened to you Friday, at work, and the # # # abuser trying to come back. Don't you let him! Any wonder you had a bad weekend, a PTSD reaction most definately. Bug triggers, huge!

It takes me anywhere from 2-14+ days to recover from similar upsets.

You be gentle with yourself Adge xox

About being tagged, I went back and edited (correced) that post , which then gets resent, sorry, I fell asleep typing that post.

So glad your little finches are doing well 🧡💛💚💙🐥

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor17 Nov 2019, 10:25 pm AEDT

@Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks so much @Former-Member

You put it into perspective for me.

I've never thought of triggers bringing a PTSD reaction before - you're right.

I also minimise the effects these shocks (triggers) have on me - because virtually no-one face to face affirms my experiences or my reactions. Especially not my siblings or Mum.

They're all in massive denial - which undermines my self confidence.

So when I feel totally wiped out (triggered), like all this weekend - it comes as a shock.

Because I often don't see the connection (cause & effect) - so I've been questioning myself all weekend.

"Why do I feel this bad"? "What's wrong with me"? "I've goto perk up" etc etc.

Thanks @Former-Member You're a breath of fresh air - I see the light when someone explains things better (or affirms my experience).

Adge

In response to: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember17 Nov 2019, 11:49 pm AEDT

Re: @Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Adge, really, amazing how we can connect because we've lived it. Try do some grounding mindfulness (5 senses) Glad I can help someone a little. Keep taking those deep breaths. Hugz 💙

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