why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

How you all going?

I'm 'chilling' today. Finished cutting up and binning pruning for council pickup. Total of x7 council bins packed tight (only two this week). Its amazing how much there is once it's all pruned. Plants are amazing!

Blocked inavtive contacts of faceook last week. Today I Blocke everyone on my phone, even my son, but sent them an email saying I'm not taking phone calls or text for few weeks but check emails often, and gave my post box. Only two people have my address.

Its scary but I'm so sick of the superficial nature of brief text msgs and conversation. My heart skips a beat when pH rings and I get twitchy about answering... Often regret if I do answer. Or guilt trip when the don't. Blocking is the only way to stop the noise...

I never grew up with a phone... If people can't knock on my door or write me a letter... I'm just not interested anymore. Just need to be alone in peace.

Apparently ppl don't like my company anyway... too depressing or some crap, I try but never good enough. Just gotta learn to be alone, to stop the wanting, the exhausting trying. Gotta come to terms that it's really is just me and God, 99% of the time in reality.

Even included my girls email in notifications, not sure why , but this time it bounce back to me "not found" 😞...

I cried.

@Former-Member 😥😥 I do understand so much of what you are writing, very close to home. Just sitting quietly with you, if it’s ok to do that. 💕💜💕☕️☕️☕️

Thanks @Maggie can you tell me... how do you 'relate' to what I'm saying Maggie? Might help. I did find a fb links 'greyfeathers' where many talk about the issues I'm facing. I think maybe I'm just learning to feel comfortable in my own skin.

What are you doing today Maggie? Arevyou ok?

I've gotta get scripts filled and pick up a parcel. That will require a much needed shower etc but if I prioritise it I'll get there, hope so, got to really..

@Zoe7, where'd you get to lately? Hope you're back to normal health?

@Former-Member I relate to the blocking people out stuff you do. Few know my address. All the superficial stuff. I think I’ve got tired, more than body tired, spirit tired is how I try to understand it. I’m also sick of being on the giving side of all the relationships irl. More than anything though, I’m sick of everyone walking out on me, it scares me as I’m never given an explanation of having done the wrong thing, I just have to guess. I suppose I’m just all used up. Part of the problem with me is, I don’t know how to not wear my caring cap in every relationship. So I’m a big part of the problem. Just answering your question, not having a rave.

I’m having a doona day, in other words, I’m hiding. Body aches and heart aches. I hope I haven’t made your day worse by writing this. I’m always afraid of doing that, as we are all struggling.

Hope you get your prescriptions etc. 💕💜💜💕☕️☕️☕️

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@Former-Member

@ Outlander those images are amazing, deep and caring... Where do you find them? Thank bebeiYandthankbyou for being uhere. Hope you're doing ok. Do Tag me in on your days sometimes plz 🌺💜🌺

@ Maggie 🌷"having a doona day today" is ok, but i feel for you. Had a lot of them myself. Whatever works I guess. Thanks for sharing how you feel with people in your life... It seems much he same as mine... everyone leaves! no matter how hard ya try. Its wrong that they leave us hanging / second guessing ourselves... torture really. How do we let go?

Its hard to know if blocking ppl is helpful or if its a red flag for depression (withdrawing). Sometimes a part of me says "you just want control back" ... and if that's true... is that so bad?

My son sent brief email last night... "Thanks for letting me know mum, whatever you're working through I wish you all the best with it"

Hmm, don't know what to make if that.

It's hard on my iwn. Do you live alone? Its hard to stand outside oneself and evaluate everything, and frightening on my own when wobbly... Do you feel that? That's when I have PJ / Doona days, so I don't do something stupid.

You haven't burdoned me Maggie but i pray your pain eases and tomorrow is better.

I relate to the spiritual tired... like there's no will to live left, but spring has helped a little, getting invthe garden, letting fresh air blow through the house...

Does spring help you?

I try hard to get something done each day... even if one thing. So far today I've done the dishes, cleaned the fridge top and planted out 4 Lilly bulbs a neighbour gave me... that wore me out so having a rest for half an hour before that shower and trip to chemist. Hope I don't fall asleep.

Hey @Former-Member I have been so flat out with work that I haven't been around as much. That will hopefully settle down a bit after this week.

I understand you blocking everyone - I hate the phone ringing too but for different reasons to you. It is usually someone wanting something and I barely have enough energy to deal with work and myself. I don't have friends calling - just don't have any - but I am okay with that - prefer being on my own anyway. I have my fur babies and they are enough for me.

I am back to 'normal' health - chest infection gone and have had a little more energy as the week has gone on. How are you? DId you manage that shower and errands you had to do today?

Hey @Zoe7 , so glad you've recovered from the chest infection... just as well with being so busy 🙂👍 You sound pirky. You and @Maggie make me feel normal re blocking ppl too. I gotta stop waiting for ppl.

Did I get to the chemist? Ummmma... weeeeeeell 😏 no 😞 I'm ashamed of myself. By the time I got out the shower it was 5pm grr, cranky with myself... but I finally took that shower 😇 LOL - feels better 😊

About to cook up heat up a frozen meal, what you guys having?