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Something’s not right

why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Kit108Casual Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sorry to hear... you're not alone...felt exactly this many times... stay strong 💪

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hiya online family, hope all's well? I'm kinda ok. Emplied more stuff out of the van yesterday. I'm so tired of juggling 'stuff' guess most of it is a case of "might need that one day" and not really living in the now. Hoping this move sorts out that need of mine.
So cold here this week, out in the country. -4 o/n and white frost on everything in the mornings.
Suicidal thoughts less yesterday. I've been getting a lot of flashbacks lately (ptsd) from my daughter's passing, disappointing as thought I was over it 😞 Must be the heightened stress levels. Need to find a pdychologist maybe, but not sure there's much more they can offer. I've started using the mindfulness strategies to get through the waves.
Miss everyone 💜

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

hi @Former-Member sounds cold where you are! so far we havent gotten into the minuses, 3 degrees has been the lowest but i really would prefer it to not get lower lol.
take your time with unpacking, its a really big job esp having to sort out everything.
you dont have to get over anything @Former-Member i cant really imagine how your feeling with the loss of your daughter.
it might not be such a bad idea to speak to a psychologist, your adjusting to quite abit like new house and new community etc and having to maintain your own mental and physical wellbeing.

Do you have much on today?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Nice to see you @outlander, Thanks. Not much planned but might take GG for a walk, she can't get enough pats atm. Do you have pets? I'm naughty and still in bed. Should have a drink & pills I guess. So much rolling trough my head. Have to work hard at living in the present moment.
How's things with you?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

a walk sounds good @Former-Member
i only got out of bed about 9 oclock usually im up before 7 so was a sleep in. do you want to talk about the things rolling through your head atm?
yeah ive got a bird, a dog, and the horses- they arent really mine though i just look after them.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh dear, can't believe 12hrs since I checked in here, and missed your reply @outlander, Pleased to say I got a bit done today, after a late start, really had to focus though. What's going through my head is maybe more to do with acceptance of current circumstances, letting go of things I can't control and working out what direction to start with making new connections. Have this middle side fridge still in the car that I need help to bring into the house, but I literally don't know who to ask. So stupid it's been there this long. Just so wary of people. The only contact I have with the outside world is the odd trip to the shop, occasional pH call, and the net (here). But I'm weird cause im actually so conflicted whether to pick up any calls, I have pH on silent or aeroplane mode. A big art of my hidden self is screaming "everyone just leave me alone" but another pard is broken hearted and lonely... So sick of this aspect of myself. Just have O not think, focus on the birds or something instead.
Did some embroidery today, dad's initials on handkerchiefs. That's therapeutic.
Only had two flashbacks today, not so intense.
Tonight I watched the Whitney Houston documentary - so depressing, especially how hey used her & he doesn't it's & He untimely end, and her daughter... Sheesh. Bit of a trigger but managing. How's your depression going?

Hi there @Adge, I see you in the background ☺️👍 The bird life is wonderful here, so often want to jump online and tell you about it. How's your birds going?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Morning @Former-Member and all passing through this morning.


well done on getting things done yesterday. its ok that it was a late start, i dont think furniture and things can grow legs and run away 😉
with getting some help though, i wonder if the salvation army would be able to help you unload your things into your new house, in my area they help people with moving, maybe thatll be the same for you too... if it comes down to it, perhaps post on a local facebook page and ask if anyone would be willing to help you with the heavy furniture- there may be some fee involved in that though.
i hear what your saying about wanting to be left alone but also feeling lonley too. that can be really tricky to manage hey, its something i contend with too.

going to the shops is a really great start with getting out in your new community. perhaps theres an embroidery type group you could join in with or like a walk and talk meetup where you go walking with other people and meet new people within that group...


Sounds like theres abit on your mind hey, thats not unusual to have going on. acceptance and letting go are really hard things to do so dont be to hard on yourself if the things you try dont work straight away. perhaps journalling or using a 'worry box' may be of help?
im glad to hear your flashbacks werent as intense though, i hope that made the day just a little easier..

im going a little better today, things at home are rough with pops dementia and physical ailments worsening, along with more increased responsibilites, more tests which are quite worrying, surgury coming up, aniversaries.. i still have more downs then ups but try to remember the good days when its a tough day.



In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @outlander - that's a very thorough reply 💜 @ Remembering the Good Days, and that they do come, sure helps. I find I have to MAKE them happen more though these days, when I have the energy - kinda an investment in the future I guess.
Understand with your dad, I went through this with my dad last year, and now, but he's in care now., and iisee him less having move away - visiting is harder now... but its good to be away from abusive brothers Life is so difficult..

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

indeed @Former-Member sometimes we cant wait for the good days to come. how do you make your days better?
your move sounds abit bitter sweet- both good and bad points.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member I'm a bit of a recluse on the W/E's, as I'm often exhausted (very low energy).

Just necessary shopping trips etc, as I'm running out of food etc.

My energy has stayed very low, since my last surgery (3 months ago) - even though I'm mostly all healed up.

My birdies are good thanks. There have been some babies.

It was very sad to find a baby budgie on the floor of the aviary - had fallen out of nest & passed away.

Embroidery sounds lovely.

Adge

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