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Something’s not right

why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 May 2019, 8:25 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Brisbane Lions played in the AFL earlier ...lost that one and the Eels are playing now but down by quite a bit at half time - looks like a dismal sporting weekend for me @Former-Member

What did you buy?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 May 2019, 9:08 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

😒Dismal indeed! re sports
"WHAT DID I BUY" ? UGG, too much!

OP SHOP: tall boy cupboard, single lounge chair, x4 Retro kitchen chairs ($5 each 😯), lace curtains, leather shoes, beanie, single fitted sheets, cutlery...
BUNNNGS: new plastic kennel + 2" dog bed to fit it + mats, mop, broom, bucket, containers & a foldup table.
Oh, and a pot of Mother's Day flowers to plant out front 🌻🌻🌻

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 May 2019, 9:11 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Wow you really did spend up big @Former-Member Hope that all helps make your little place feel a little more like home.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 May 2019, 9:31 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I know, its a bit embarrassing but mostly needed, well maybe not x4 dinning chairs but they were a set lol

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember15 May 2019, 12:16 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh boy, here it comes,
that sinking feeling, Really hope it passes. Fighting off negative thoughts big time today. Really hit me how alone I am here. Questioning if I've done the right thing... got that trembling fear inside.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor15 May 2019, 5:18 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I hope that sinking feeling passes for you too @Former-Member I think it is great that you have made this move. It is a fresh start for you with none of the issues surrounding you with the people that used to be around at your old place. You also have somewhere to feel secure in over winter and therefore will not need to be in the van and travelling. You have begun to buy things to make this place feel more like home as well and that is a positive move. There is no doubt thoughts of your old place and all the things surrounding you that made you feel safe but this is a brand new start and I think that is a good thing for you. You have left a lot behind and are in a new place but that also opens up opportunities to start fresh where you are. You got this Hon - walking right beside you

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember15 May 2019, 6:32 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7, needed that (made me cry), it'll probly be fine, just doesn't feel like it. Repair guy coming this AM. Gotta go back, get rest of my stuff this week, not looking fwd to that, it will be final then. My furbaby isn't herself, doesn't like the 'my dog' food or biscuits but without a fridge I can't have her usual fresh meat. Thought she wasnt breathing just then, but she's ok, my heart's still settling down. Normally she's snuggled up on the bed but I reshuffled furniture and she seems happy on soft chair beside the bed. Repair guy this AM, must remove inside evidence of her as she's supposed to be an 'outside' dog (not that I let her in carpet areas). Little things bugging me. I get jumpy when i hear car out front - neighbour's driveway real close. Thought I'd told nobody where I am but found out Sun I'd accidentally given address to friend in picture, with my enthusiasm that I'd found somewhere. Now it feels like I'm not 'safe' anymore. Its just not logical though, even if she gave it out... none of them are likely to drive the 4hrs. But they might send coos to do Welfare Check, using my past MH against me (which I find insulting)... And I hate that theyd rather do this than really care, tell police my history to disrespect and cross boundaries I make with them, a control thing more than caring... But there I go, slipping back into the past, the maybe's... The ignorance of others when really, present time, so far so good. Think maybe I've relaxed enough for some of this stuff to surface... I don't know. Gotta get outside my head, check GG, maybe have a cuppa... Suns coming up now, new day
Thanks for being here

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor15 May 2019, 7:24 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

It is likely that some of this stff is surfacing for you because you are feeling a little more comfortable where you are and so your inner guard is down a little @Former-Member That is quite natural Hon but good for you to recognise - it can give you an idea of why you are feeling as you do and also help you to further protect yourself. I do think it is unlikely any of those people will drive the 4 hours to you so despite you accidently showing your address you are probably safe there from that happening.I think we go straight to 'worse case scenario' often and not look at what we do have and the good that is in our lives. You have a place you can call home, you are away from the negativity of those people, you have your fur baby with you and you have a fresh start in a new place - all those are positives Hon and are all also things a couple of months ago you were not certain you would have. Sometimes it is not about looking back or what we have lost but we need to look forward and be thankful for what we have now

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember16 May 2019, 11:05 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7,
How's your day so far? 🤗
I am trying to 'count my blessings' more.. Things could be so much worse I know.
Even when opening the house mid morning here, i was captivated by a handsome king parrot eating nuts from the changing elm tree. Frozen in time I felt the warm sunrays penetrated my clothing to bring warmth and healing. I stood there taking it all in, frozen in time, 'till my furbaby GG brang me back with a rare stretch up my thighs for a pat. She's so gorgeous. Seemed like a forever tropical escape, but really only long enough for the water on stove to come to the boil. Now to enjoy my cup of tea. Yes, I have much to be thankful for. The 'universe' seems to love me, even if humans can't ☀️🍁🍂🐦🐾🍎☕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 May 2019, 5:10 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Us humans here love you too @Former-Member

I loved the description of your surroundings - especially how the warm sunrays brought you warmth and healing. Our fur babies do bring us back to the moment although I love that just as much 😺🐶

I have had a good day. Work was really good and seemed to go quite quickly. As usual happy to be home with my fur babies though. Going to get dinner soon and then settle in front of the tv for the evening.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.