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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember18 Apr 2019, 8:13 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks Lauz, appreciate it 🤗

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember18 Apr 2019, 8:34 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Well, I finally did it!

Tonights my first night sleeping in the van. I found a quiet hedged in corner in carpark of a Residential Aged care facility. It's nice to know there's people awake, working just close by, but also nerve-racking that I'll be found out and asked to move on... So I'm quiet as a mouse, heart pounding. Its so good to finally lay down. Its 8:30 & I've been driving since 1230 (give or take breaks and shopping, and settling in...)

I put x2 cot mattresses on x2 coffee tables long ways and the springs are so much more supportive than foam for my troubled back.. Under the coffee tables bed is wheel containers x5 for storage.

My furbaby is curled up by my feet, she's been so good.

Hey,. How cool is it that our phones light up to do this in the dark. And we can charge them in the car!

@Applebossom, @Zoe7 @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Former-Member @outlander

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Shaz51Senior Contributor20 Apr 2019, 12:03 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

hugs @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Apr 2019, 12:37 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

That is huge @Former-Member It must feel great to be able to get out of the house too - well on your way to some independence. Hope it begins to feel like home soon too.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor20 Apr 2019, 6:05 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hey @Former-Member That is amazing. Congrats on moving to your dream.

Good thinking re firm flat surface under mattress. I hope you were not disturbed.

From my teen days I remember people booking into caravan parks etc for weekly shower, though some tried to sneak in with towels in bag.

You will find your own rhythm and style.

It is handy that you can keep phone charged and have general access while on the road.

Hugs

I have been offline after my concert just laying in bed, snoozing and listening to 3CR.

Apple

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor22 Apr 2019, 7:24 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hey @Former-Member How are you going Hon? Are you still in the van?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember27 Apr 2019, 10:02 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Morning @Appleblossom @Zoe7

Sorry I've not answered so long. Being on the road kinda took it out of me. Especially after attempting a sponge bath in a driver reviver stop that, uninformed, had a time limit that about 10min, announced that I must "exit the cubical immediately!" and automatically opened the door while I was still half undressed 😲 omg how rude! Sheesh. After rushing to put my pants on (being the last part to wash) I gladly left the noisy whistling alarm :face_with_rolling_eyes: My only saving grace was that nobody else was waiting.

But i continued on, exporing towns but gave up after a nasty fall (on cement) and checked into a cabin for 4nights - to self care - before heading back, arriving in the dark Thursday night - straight to bed, lots of back pain, but GG furbaby was glad to be on familiar ground. Suicidal thoughts crept back in realising my 'on the road' isn't quite the dream anymore, physical limitations and all. I so want to travel before i die.

Yep, I found being on the road very difficult, and kinda lonely, but also pushed me to be more active and wonder if its possible to actually adjust to it at some stage.

I applied for rentals in 3major towns & came home.

THE COUNTRYSIDE 🏞️

THISTIME OF YEAR 🍁🌳🍃🍂

IS MAGICAL 🌄

Rolling hills but best of all the colourful trees. Oh my goodness... breathtaking some of them. Photos bearly capture the beauty of it all.

Hope you two are ok?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 Apr 2019, 11:32 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

That certainly was an adventure then @Former-Member Good that you booked in to the cabin after your fall and allowed yourself of plenty of self-care. It is good to get an idea of how you will cope for further adventures. Hope you get one of the rentals you applied for Hon.

Thanks for checking in. Take care @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Apr 2019, 12:53 pm AEST