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Something’s not right

why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member 💕🐶🌹

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

just found out from my aunty (mums beautiful sister) let my abusive bro2 bully her into giving him mums ashes. I'm not told whose got DAD's ashes yet, despite asking. It's just triggered me and I can't stop crying. Why do I react like this. I don't understand any of them. My siblings. Being left out. Or why I can't cope with their juvenile antics anymore. Why do I get so upset! It's a poison. A lovely conversation with my aunt about sewing and surviving her Covid jab just plummeted into Trashville, especially that she didn't tell me herself earlier .

I kept it from her, my feelings. .Why are they so strong? BPD? cPTSD? depression? feelings ... mentally ill. Any wonder they treat me like crap (easy target for bullies), it triggers the SI I hate it.

How am I gonna pull myself together enough to do Bank transfers to pay vet, and drive to pick up furbaby Georgia girl after her surgery today? 😟 Suppose it's one good thing - she didn't die on the table (teeth clean & extractions under GA) - gosh, what a mess i would be if that happened.
Saw a sign for lost dog identical to Georgia. Maybe I can give her to them So i can leave. Thats how I feel. My relatives make me want to die 😞 I so gotta cutting them out

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Here’s a big loving hug 🤗 for you @Former-Member

I wish I could sit with you tonight and keep us both company as we cry together over our shattered families.

All I can say is, I do understand.

💜💚🤗🌸🤗💚💜

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Eve7 - means a lot 💜😢 hope you're holding up?. So hard by ourself. Ever felt that maybe you annihilated a whole country or something in a past life or something?.
Be blowed if i can figure out what we've done so bad in the one. 😞 Guess life's just not fair. And some people rub it in. 😢 Oh, here i go again 😭 And I'm not even premenstrual 😟

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member I'm so sorry to hear that your Siblings are playing "Mind Games" (keeping you in the Dark) - over your Dad's Ashes.

That is very Low behaviour - Totally "Below the Belt" (kicking).

You said:

"I kept it from her, my feelings. .Why are they so strong? BPD? cPTSD? depression? feelings ... mentally ill" 😭

No it's not that EOR (I don't think), although CPTSD people (like myself) Do experience stronger emotions/ feelings than the average person does (Apparently, according to Psychologists).

In my experience, My emotions/ feelings are much Stronger (& Stay intense) - Because (when) I do not have enough expression for my feelings, or when I feel Not Heard (People are Ignoring me).

So the More that I can Somehow Express those Intense Feelings (Safely & in a Healthy Way of course) - The more that those Intense Feelings Release & Ease off (become Less Intense).

What Works For Me (Helps) -

1) Journal Writing eg "What I f....g B...s....t...d", "I feel like Crap", etc etc - Whatever comes out when I write in Journal.

2) Having Someone "Really Really Listen" to you (me), with Intense Interest - This only helps If/When they are Really Interested (& really Do Listen).

Otherwise it Backfires, & I then feel Much Worse.

Some people express their intense feelings Physically, through Intense Exercise (eg Heavy Workout), or through eg Using a Baseball Bat on a Pillow etc (my Bodywork Coach's Suggesition) - This helps those people to Release Those Feelings - Then the feelings Ease Off (often/ usually).

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I don’t know either @Former-Member I think the next blow will finish me.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I think that too @ Eve7 ... every time ... but it never does, amazing what we survive. Hang in there 💐
@ Adge- think you've got something there. Not having an outlet or acknowledgement. It's very effective emotional abuse. Makes me want to die. Wonder if this is what people feel when I've gone into my depressive withdrawals. Difference with me and them is that I'm not setting out to hurt people.

OhGod it gets so merky 😭 First time in a very long long time I've wanted to sh tonight. Anger?. Think i need the physical outlet. Benice if my aunt told me she gave bro2 mums ashes when she did, since I gave them to her (she's now demoted to my spam folder for the next two weeks).

"Principalities an powers in high places"

Too intense for the average human.

Such a lonely journey suffering.

Gotta do something though tonight, it won't go away. I'm gonna have to do something, to settle, take prns. Start my walks again...

Thank you for you're insightful post Adge, helps. Just wanna scream out loud or something. Better not drive. Furbaby ate sausage for dinner surprisingly, drank, and pee'd... and now snoring, so good she's ok. Shoved her antibiotic into a sausge and it went down no worries... usually have so much trouble getting pills down with dogs, so thats a big win.
Just realised I forgot my pills today, and yesterday. Wondering if that 36hrs is enough to plummet me into this abyss of mysery, oh dear 😞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hugs @Former-Member

Hard situation you and your family have faced.

Remembering pills is stable thing twice daily for me. Just filled my night and morning pill boxes .. so all set for a week ....

Take Care

Apple

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

They're not familyvim trying to get through to myself. They're lost relatives who i don't know anymore. It's a big loss to carry, to accept. Not logical. Causing malfunction lol

I do have a solicitor now

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