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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Feb 2021, 10:46 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Appleblossom im glad you like it, the pics. Yes, my family make me feel alone too. They all fight with each other too, so toxic being around them. Hereditary MI and demonic influences I think, and drugs... It's all connected. There's a few things in the bible that keeps coming to mind when I seek God over my family:
"we wrestle not with flesh and blood, but principalities and powers in high places"
"Though must not give false testimony"
"Satan is the occuser of the brethren"
So I know it's not all me. And
"Father forgive them, for they know NOT what they do"
The hurt hardens the heart and sets off so much toxin. My faith helps cleans but it's a constant maintenance thing or I forget.
Also, I think MI is just too much 'high maintenance' for loved ones, gets firgetbourvgoodveays and run off.. And family seem to push our buttons anyway, hurt us more than if they were strangers. There's a limit to how much to keep trying. I've surrendered t to God. Another scripture that comes to mind: "don't cast your pearls among swine to be trodden into the mud" Y sister more than anyone reads wrong into everything I say and do, its an attitude, a stronghold thats just not workable. eg Being told 'you're delusional' whenever you differ, well, thats a shutdown. She doesn't want to know me. So, maybe there's a reason the bible does teach us to 'self care' and protect ourselves as well as sacrifice. *Above all, guard your heart for out of it flows river of living waters" and "love your neighbour AS YOURSELF" But you probably knew all that, hey? Don't mean to preach. I gotta keep reminding myself really. That's what's good about hymns - the confession of Faith... a topic for another time. Hope you're still playing piano Bella? 💜💙💚💛🧡💔💜

Hi @Emelia8 - i know it probably doesn't feel it, but you're doing so well through this hard time. Proud of you and how you give so much here. As for a new hobby / project... I have a dozen unfinished and need to get organised enough to pick them up again... one at a time. Will keep you posted. @Zoe7 has helped me do up a chest of drawers once. I've not unpacked properly yet, and need to prioritise the family photo to be scanned & distribute. I have two big bookshelves I tidied up today, made piles n sections, cleared some space, so i can unpack some more. I Actually enjoy organising bookshelves, makes me feel "in control" I guess, or something, to know what I've got there, where to each one . Mostly reference & self help but plenty of reading.
Don't worry about not responding quicker, especially what you're going through and the IT glitches that come and go. I'm just at glad you're talking, so many have given up on me (ignore me) - here and IRL it seems, and you understand and say a lot of the right things. I appreciate that. Especially the effort required now. You hang in there, beat this thing cause we want you round a long time to come 💙💕

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor20 Feb 2021, 10:50 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member Notifications (on Forum) have been Not Working (None/ 0) all day.

For 8 or 10 hours at least.

Still not working.

As I can only see Active Discussions (or Tags) through Notifications - I've not been able to access the Forum, or see anything to Respond to All Today.

It takes a lot of time & effort to do a Search for Each & Every Thread (by Title) - I cannot remember half of the Topic Names.

So I finally found your Thread/ Topic, just as I'm going to Bed (Sorry).

I'm thinking of you.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember20 Feb 2021, 11:13 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

No worries @Adge, i've posted to you in bird thread, hope you're feeling a bit better. Sleep well 😴

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor21 Feb 2021, 2:55 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thank you @Former-Member 😊🙏💞

Much love to you.

Emelia

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor21 Feb 2021, 10:26 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

This is too cute not to share with you 💞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Feb 2021, 1:57 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

Playing more piano in last year due to COvid than I had for previous years. Slowly building up familiarity with the keyboard again. Meant I did not suffer too much with the isolation. Thanks for remembering.

I understand you express yourself thru biblical and Christian thoughts and ways.I see it as a part of the whole of you and a sign of your commitment to goodness despite the difficulties you have faced. A priest suggested I read "The Interior Castle" by Theresa of Avila, which I eventually bought and loved in my late 30s. I enjoyed the antiquated language and the respect so lacking in much modern ways of talking. I was mostly very introvert, becoming more extrovert due to parenting and teaching. Mostly I valued the insights of building an interior castle, which was very different to my general personality structure which was overly open, with few boundaries. Yes the role of sacrificial lamb seemed often my lot. By now I am a very well roasted one, but somehow still here. I have found a new friend who also testifies his faith a lot. Self care is not a focus in Christianity. I learned to do it a little through a Buddhist practise, metta, loving kindness meditation. Being on this forum and relating to others has helped me, manage my scruples about self care and learn and improve my quality of life.... so a GOOD.

Yesterday I had a weird coicidence meeting a lady who ran music groups which I took my girls to before my son was born. We also had lots of other things in common including philosophy.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember21 Feb 2021, 2:23 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @ Appleblossom - glad you're piano playing has given back to you. I'm surprised you actually got out MORE with it during pandemic. Love to hear about that.
That book "The Interior Castle" sounds fascinating.
I understand you having to search truthes outside the Christian Bible, it does lack that life application help found in the likes of Buddhism. I need the Grace Christ brings (so much), it is my core identity, my spiritual home eternal. .
Haha, yeah, bad days aside, being on the forums has helped me much the same - observing, learning, giving, finding norms, getting support...
Gosh, sleepy Arvo here. Im hungry - have you had lunch?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Feb 2021, 2:38 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

Nibbling at mushie bolognese, parmesan and riccotta in pasta bags ... canna remember name of it ... did big cook up yesterday ... dont mind eating leftovers cold ... too lazy ... easy way to stay healthy.

I did not get out with piano ... just had a lot of fun at home with it .... as I had not played for a long time ... it felt good.

Ha ha seeing how the normals ... live ... ha ha ... getting outseide of our own heads helps.

Lovely catching up

Take Care ... gotta get off computer ....

Apple

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember23 Feb 2021, 9:09 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

🤔Not sure what I've been doing all day. Let me see. Friend rang (1hr) Shower & wash hair (1/2hr) Budget & banking recon (1hr) Resting sore back (1/2hr x4=2hrs) Saneforums reaad and post (20min x3=1hr) Cut scrap clothes into headband raps (1hr) Journalling (1hr) Load washing 1/2hr)... hmm ok, I haven't just been twiddling my thumbs. 8hrs accounted for.

@Appleblossom thanks for all the supports ✔️ also over today. I try connect where I can. Post a happy pic...thanks for validation.

How are you? Please tag me into your updates.

My. Mood has picked up a bit, thank goodness. Needed that shower (long overdue, yuk) and my hair, think I may get go short again, forever, wear headpieces or something. Never liked my thick hair. Long or short. Getting tired of the granny bun. So thick!

Someone knocked on my door today, set the dog off. Probably sales door knocker, I have no patience for the intrusion & don't know anyone really.

Tried to , just get on beyond blue chat... its NEVER worked for me. Stupid waste of space & time 😢

Anyway just popping in to say hi, to anyone listening 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor23 Feb 2021, 9:18 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi back to you @Former-Member 😄

And no, you have certainly not been idle today. You've done a lot.

Sending love.

Emelia 💞

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