why can't I cope longer?

Quite down this week. Rehashing loss of my sister re her S1 birthday I guess, and sharing that hurtful mess here. And of cause her gunning for control of dad's estate (now NCAT & Trustee failed us) is probably exacerbating things, especially the way they treated me there. And I miss dad surprisingly, mum was a tyrant. And I've been having some vivid memories of my girl dying yesterday, that string pulling my heart may have been her...

But this week, I think the feeling of defeatism is coming from how hard the last roadtrip was and feeling I need to give up that dream. And nearly buying a block of land on the weekend too... but realising i'm probably not up to that dream either 😢😞 Perhaps 'the dreams' have served their purpose in keeping me going this far. Reality is cruel. Getting Syncope when travelling (strange places alone), the times I struggle to walk just 50m, and Feeling as if I'm about to pass out... and the feeling trapped in a box (my van) when it was raining...

And, how one of my favourite pastimes - Op shopping - is creating a rod for my own back... I simply don't have the space for one more thing here.

And, I hate the smell coming out of my parents buffet & hutch (centre stage in my livingroom)... that old stale wood smell, right near where I sit.. and the negative memories it evokes... it might have to go.

And so many clothes - can't decide what to toss...

and so many boxes to unpack in the garage still, with nowhere to put anything more...

So yes, any retail therapy is also out.

Meeting new people has become a major 🚫 red light for me, especially groups.

And, when I can't even get in and out of my vehicle without pain most.

And I Still haven't unpacked from roadtrip... both times I've been out to the car yesterday to do it, I'm overwhelmed and overheated and syncope hits and i have to come inside and lay down.

And Furbaby wants more walks but I'm just too lazy. The treadmill isn't used as much as it should be either. I keep thinking I should do Tai chi but...

It's like there's an inner saboteur blocking all things good for me, I can't identify it much less control or defeat it. And with so many on the outside doing the same (such as family when I was giving my all to help mum & dad that year) it's hard to believe I might be destined for anything better anymore. And these physical limitations are sealing the deal. Makes me feel my life is over, I've run my race - 20yrs before most.

Like the hardened criminal who "dies my cop" - the nurse in me is screaming "I'm not going through that!" - the aged care death process.
But then there's dad's estate and how I refuse to let those nasty sibs get my share. Haha, now that's irony for you - their desire to erase me is giving me cause to live. Go figure.

So, live i must, just a little bit longer, for my son's sake (I don't need the money).

But how to find enjoyment in each day 'till then? How do we do it with this heaviness? I don't know. Just keep getting up I guess, every day start again. What's that saying:

"Start by doing WHAT'S NECESSARY, then do WHAT'S POSSIBLE, and suddenly you are doing THE IMPOSSIBLE"
My Today's "impossible" is the dishes :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Hi @Emelia, yes, we can "sit together" - in cyberspace at least 😊 thank you.
Yes, I can imagine your ife would be a whole lot easier and a whole lot less stressful without being his carer. Of cause.
Sorry the cancer is making depression and anxiety worse. As you say, it just adds another layer [of stress] to everything, but also a distraction, yes ,a bad one ☹️ So sorry.
Yep, my CSA history is a bitch, can't go there today, but thanks for condolences. Hugzz from you are welcome. Tears, nope, can't open the floodgates today, would wash me away all together sorry. Hope your day is ok. I'll check in later 💙🙏💙🙏💙💕

Ach! @Former-Member

Sure you will get those dishes done, and then some.

Hearing you about the inner saboteur. Its a tough one. I just enjoy when they are not around.

Hope you get your share of estate and manage it well, that is the way I see it too.

I used to like op shopping but stopped about a decade ago. I dont feel I over bought clothes, as all my purchases have come together in simple outfits with my distinct style. I do get some pleasure from that. Matching colours etc.

Hearing your sadness and grief. Do not want to take it away as it is a special part of you, but hoping that sharing it on here eases it a little.

Love that you are still here posting away.

Apple

Don't be sorry @Former-Member it's ok. I'm not able to absorb much at the end of my work day at present so lesson learned in not responding and just supporting when I'm at capacity. Love and hugs always dear Eor xox

@Former-Member 🌷💞🌷

Hope today is gentle Eor xox 💞

Cute pic @ Myboy - THNX
Hope your day is going well
Patchy rain here. A friend dropped by y'day for coffee, harped on about gov control and refusing the vaccine. Hard to reulgulate topics of discussed without seeming unsupportive or rude. She talks so fast, keeping up is hard, when I ask Q she oft said "I've said that" (annoyed), hope it's not dementia. Relationships are hard. Do you work full time? I only do 2 short vol shifts. Miss nursing but not the hours.
Do you know Who qualifies as having "COMPLEX" mental illness? (mentioned on sane homepage). Not sure if that's me or reserved for people with psychosis?

Hmmm @Former-Member she doesn't sound like she treats you very kindly?

People can be so full of themselves they forget human compassion and kindness sadly. Remember to surround yourself with people that give a damn...makes a difference (hugggssss)

As far as complex, by definition suggestion is it's complex if it is severe, and the individual has significant challenges with treating them, high levels of care, hospitalsations, psychosis...

In saying that any MI is significant in my opinion as it effects your day to day life 😞

Yes I work full time and today I wish I didn't, my day has been a nightmare today, shouldn't have got out of bed. I am a people pleaser and today I have had to be anything but *sigh - oh well it's Friday and it's not personal just trying to get shizzz done. I had one job that I wanted to do...haven't started, nuff said.

I didn't realise you still had shifts, go you!!!! My Mum was a nurse back in the day, takes a special person to be a good nurse. Better go sorry hugs and hugs xox

Oh well @Anastasia - it is Friday. Sounds like your role has some responsibility. Tough calls to make. You do well. Hope you can recoup a Little on the weekend 💕
I don't 'really' work, just like the respect people give when they think I do, sorry.

I am certain you make people's day brighter by doing what you do @Former-Member