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Something’s not right

why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

You make me smile too @Former-Member ... not sure exactly why that is ... but its true. Maybe something about the gentle dignity and deep vulnerability I sense in you. It shines through despite the self deprecating light that you sometimes portray yourself in. I guess you do that in order to protect yourself from being hurt, which has happened to you a lot in the past. You really are a beautiful soul, and you deserve all the support you get ... and much more. So thank YOU @Former-Member for all the support you have provided me over the years, and also to so many other members here.

Emelia 💞🤗🌺

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member how are you today? We just have a few more days of this awful month to go and then we can breathe again.

Thinking of you lots

💖🦋💖

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Emelia8 @ Awww @ thank you - I rarely get compliments. Never know what people think of me normally, have to evaluate their actions, to perceive it, and my percievameter is faulty, to the detriment, as you point out, it's nice to hear positives, even if only based on words.. I do try, never quite good enough with my family since the first breakdown. They can't see past it, the trying to kiill myself bit (i wish I died then). You need to beat this cancer thing Em, and be round longer, with all you have to give, and are. So barraking for you 🤗

@Eve7 thanks for being over here, for checking in. Yep, this run of summers horrible aniversaries will soon be behind us for another year. I'm not doing well 😢 it's set me back. Maybe cause dad's passing is still fresh, I donno. Not good company sorry. Nothing much to live for really, accept to make sure my son get my share of dad's estate & not my toxic siblings. I can go then, and hopefully after I get rid of more stuff here... scale back to invisible. Still a Fair way to go to put my house in order. Maybe take another big roadtrip too (not come home).

⚖️

hey, just got on the scales..😧. i have almost doubled my weight in 30yrs. These $12 scales from Aldi have 3 settings - kg, 1b, stone. I so miss being 8 stone 😶 and hope going back to those measurements will help me get control. We'll see. Be nice to be S-12 or 14 again before I die, ha! maybe I won't want to then., won't be so alone. We'll see. Just keeping my head above water. 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks guys. I'm ok, did the dishes tonight 🎉

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I'm exhausted but also so so excited. Just cleaned up and put together an ancient daybed (perfect with) for the car. Best part is that it sits perfectly over the wheel hub and in essence gives me an extra 20cm (wisth )living space which is critical with such small amt to play with, and it will be so much more comfe inside and give me room for the chair toot right up the back. Had to chock up one side of the bed a bit so it butts up tight against the wall. Maybe when I build the kitchen I'll join it all together with wood (instead of ties and wire). Now I can start roadtripping again. Starting Brisbane, see my boy's flash unit, and old friend there, but then a weekend on the beach a while I think. @Zoe7 - you probably appreciate this and the effort more than anyone. How are you? Hope you're cranky with me? Know you're busy.

Gonna go have dinner now, yummy crumbed fish & veg tonight 🥗

Oh dear! Sirens coming from every direction 😟 triggers me a bit, maybe a police chase 😞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

What a busy day @Former-Member

Enjoy your dinner my friend ❤❤❤☕☕

Now time to relax

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thats fantastic @Former-Member ... you are so clever, a real fix-it lady. 👍💗

Bring on the road trip. 😄 🚙 🚗

Ahhh ... the sirens are a trigger for you. Im sorry, I hope they go away.

Sending love to you @Former-Member 💗🐶

Emelia 🌷

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Shaz51 and Emelia8 Dinner was yum. You ok after the Radiation today Em? You sound perky.
Shaz - is your mum ok? Home again? When might you rebuild? Is the weather up north kind to you this week?
Im crook, Just finished packing up, closed up the van and bought things in re rain expected. Nearly fainted, just collapsed in s cold sweat, made it to the bed in time 😟 under fan. Syncopy episode. I don't understand. Accept that i not long ate...
? Leaky gut maybe
? Low blood pressure?
Who knows.
Think my body's telling me to stop eating.
Tried to push through it this time, but nearly blacked out 😢 scares me on my own.
I donno, guess I have to call ambo if laying down doesn't help. No pain, just weakness. Weird. Need a cold drink 😟 Hate being sick.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Im ok after radiation and oncologist apt thanks @Former-Member 😊

Whatever the cause EOR ... you dont sound at all well. Nearly fainting or blacking out is a big concern for anyone living on their own ... like you do. Feeling faint and weakness with cold sweat could be anything including, I think, a heart attack. Heart attacks in women do not always have the classic symptoms that men have. So if resting does not improve your symptoms ... please do not hesitate to call an ambulance. Its better to be sure.

Em 💞🐶

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Ohh please take care my @Former-Member ❤

Have to get the house demolished first before anything else

My mum is frail, weak and showing signs of dementia

Hugs @Emelia8 ❤

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