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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember22 Jan 2021, 3:26 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Went to movies, saw "The Dry" - Eric Banner. It was good (for a murder mystery in the Australian outback), good storyline with a few unexpected twists. After the movie we had coffee & icecream @ Gelato Cafe. Unfortunately my good time was crushed by a tsunami of giggling primary middle school girls 😞 it triggered me, like torture 😣 and I found myself talking about it all (my girl dying AustDay), with my new friend. Controlled but pressured. Probably not what new friend needed to hear on her b'day. We got outa there real quick. Sh#t! Can't help it 😭. This is why I don't go out, and why I stay away from people. At least I didn't cry in public. The anxiety it triggers makes me talk too much grr. Acceptance MUST be coming though, re less tears... but I don't wanna let go, I can't, I'm so scared I'll forget, I don't want to lose her... 😢crying.
New Church left MSG, rang back excited to have made another new connection. But 😞 she couldn't remember me, but invited me to a BBQ Australia Day 😣, Of cause I declined, stating 'other plans' 😢
How can I 'party' on the day my girl died!? I can't. It still messes with my head this time of year, even 10yrs later. So let me apologize ahead of time, especially to my son, for not being what everyone expects of me, for not answering messages, or calls promptly, or at all. I'm just not my best at this time. The dishes are mounting, the dog needs to ask for meals and I'm living on cheese and biscuits.
Everything goes grey,
I'm not good company...
There's a raging torrent riptide within that fights to pull me out to sea oblivion. It takes all my energy to stay grounded to the little bits that i do here on my own, I can't think, am accident probe, a fumblying fool to onlookers. I need to hibernate a while, lick my wounds I guess, be authentic to my heart. So please forgive me and wait for me on the other side, when I have more energy. Need you there 💕

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 4:59 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member Hey Hon. I have needed a break from the forum and have had considerable pain with my teeth and back but I have been very much thinking of you -e specially with what is coming uo for you this week. I am not sure how much I will be around for the next few days but know I am with you in spirit and will try to be here on the day for you. Hugs and hugs and hugs

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 5:30 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hugs @Former-Member 👂🤗💕🙏🌷

👋 @Zoe7 🙏🤗💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember22 Jan 2021, 5:54 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Understand @Zoe7 - we have to self care, especially when we live alone. You've got school starting back too. Hugzz. Feel better soon 💕
Hi @Anastasia - you ok? 💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 5:56 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

One more week @Former-Member but I have appointments, meetings and a course next week also so it is going to be very busy.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 7:03 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

A better day today, acceptance I guess. Thank you @Former-Member 🤗💕🙏

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 9:10 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member Sorry to hear your Movie Outing (for Birthday friend) was triggering & felt unpleasant.

Particularly that it brought up feelings (loss & grief).

Giggling & people pointing in my direction does that to me too (triggering).

It's taken me all day to feel less nauseous, & not so over-heated.

Mindfulness Session at local Library was really Good - though it left me wanting more.

Was that all of it? Where's the rest of it, etc....

No handouts of what she spoke about - A printout would have been helpful.

If you want to learn or practice more Mindfulness - You have to Look Up Sites Online....

Where have I heard that before?....

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 10:01 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sending you some extra hugs tonight @Former-Member @Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 10:07 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

The Mindfulness Session had good practical exercises, scientific explanations, & good personal examples. @Former-Member

Oh well, I guess you have to do it yourself (to practice Mindfulness) anyway – That’s how it works.

Maybe I was hoping for some personal connections (usually am).

Then it’s always “Hello, Goodbye” - & I never see them again.

Oh, there’s even “Mindfulness Apps”, now there is an App for everything….

Here's a new one (I didn't know) - Mindfulness Psychologist said that "Social Isolation triggers the Stress Response".

Social isolation causes stress (or is stressful) - Here's me wondering why I feel stressed, when there is no-one around to trigger me......

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor22 Jan 2021, 10:08 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7 Hugs are always appreciated, even when they are "Cyber-Hugs".

I shall send you some Cyber-Hugs & strong Good Vibes in return....

Adge

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