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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor12 Jan 2021, 12:19 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sending you love @Former-Member 💖❣️💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2021, 12:44 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Eve7 - love you back 💕
@Emelia8 - where do you get the energy to reply so well, with all the big stuff going on for you? Thank you. 💙 Appreciate you and believing for the best outcomes with this radiaton treatment, and travelling, and your own anniversaries.
Sucks!!! but what more can we do. Not alone at least I guess, not really.
Hope you're nowhere near the new cases in NSW
Feel better since having late brunch (fried egg, toast, marmalade jam & tea 😋).
Yes, our furbabies are little blessings. GG just came up for another cuddle Pat, her fur is growing back really soft this time round, nice 💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2021, 12:47 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Anastasia 💕

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor12 Jan 2021, 1:45 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Dear @Former-Member

I’ve waited to respond in the hope that I could write something sensible to you but grief never makes sense does it?

We celebrate birthdays every year without ever saying “aren’t you over it yet...you were born x number of years ago? Why celebrate every year?” Yet we feel (or are made to feel) we should be “over” the death of a precious loved one. Well no, we’re not over it, never will be so we keep doing what we need to do Year in, year out.

My h died 14 years ago next Saturday and it still hurts like crazy. Then 10 days afte losing h my dad died and I haven’t even started to process that...it’s too hard.

Ive told you that so you know I get what you’re going through. In lots of ways my life is good but there’s an ache in my heart that never goes away.

Be assured, I will never get sick of you sharing your pain as that would be so hypocritical of me.

There is some healing that does not happen this side of heaven.

Love

Eve

💜😢🤗😢💜

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 Jan 2021, 2:30 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member Whether it is 1 year, 10 or 20 that pain is always there - and that is okay. You lost your D and I don't know how someone keeps going after that ...but you have Throw in so many other triggers and your physical pain and it is more than hard Hon Rest if you need, sleep if you need and get it all out here if you need. The garage and office can wait. Look after yourself first.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2021, 3:21 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Aww! Cute gif @Zoe7, thank you. Dad died only 5wks ago Dec-6th, Mum Jan-16th, my girl Jan-26th (Australia Day advertised all over the place with Back to School everything... my last days activities with her getting stuff for highschool, uniforms & covering boiks). He funeral was delayed a week because of the coroner backload from the floods that year 😢 (also advertised everywhere being 10yrs) So much pain, and then valentine's day. I don't think one can 'come back' cause it's changed me. And the lack of support decorating. As one of the last words my sister said to me "I'm done chasing you!" People get tired. I'm tired. Just trying to find the diamonds in among life's gruff. Like a lot of us I guess. Different levels xox

Thanks @Eve7 - sorry about your hubby & dad, both so close, and around this same time of year, with mine. Australia Day, & all the leadup, and fallout. My girls funeral was Feb'3, so it sorta goes on unfinished forever.
No, I haven't thought of it all like Birthdays before... but that makes sense. 'Living Aniversary dates' don't become irrelevant (rubbed out) just because someone dies. Sometimes I think if I could just toss calendars away, diaries, phone's & tv... so I wouldn't know what day it was... would that work... make it pass without the knowing?.. no, 'cause its not just a day, it's the before and after... not just numbers on a page but smells, seasons, baselines, music etc... You 'get it!'
Have to try perk purk pirk (can't spell :face_with_rolling_eyes:)... p_k up for my son's birthday phone call today, when he rings me back, then I can rela & self care more, work through it - be authentic
"the only way through grief & its future ripples, is not around it, under or over it... but through it" ouch! Otherwise it's so draining to keep pushing it down, only to build up and comes back to bite us later 😟 Makes sense. Just gotta get through today first.
💙💚💛🧡💔💜

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor12 Jan 2021, 3:32 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

It really is a lot to deal with @Former-Member My Nan and Pop died 4 months apart but it seemed like a week. I can get through the anniversary of Nan's death because it was expected and I had nothing left unsaid to her ...but Pop's is harder. When those things happen so unexpectedly and with someone so close it is unbearable. Being this time of year with other anniversaries and all the advertising of return to school things just adds many, many layers to that grief. ....triggers everywhere for you and that is harder than hard Hon But we do keep going - to honour the memory of those we loved and keep them alive in our hearts - because that is all we can do

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2021, 3:45 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

'tis what it is. Wish I could slip into a coma for the next month. Ha, just had a funny image/thought, chuck a sleeping beauty to be wonen by a kiss on Valentine's Day, and ride off with prince charming to his magical kingdom where everything is restored to how it should be... yeah, I know, dream on!
Back to reality, yes, many triggers, i've not had the chance to share it like that before, thank you 😭

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor12 Jan 2021, 3:53 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member We have much in common these next few weeks. H 16 January, funeral 22 January, Dad 26 January (same year) wedding anniversary 3 Feb, sister’s birthday 5 Feb (died 2011). Baby girl 29 April.

It sux, sux, sux

The sun is shining today

Love you

🦋😢🦋

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2021, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Eve7, that's a shocker of a run you have. But how weird are those number overlaps! What's the chances of that happening? Maybe bringing a together us God's way of helping us not feel so alone. It's sure doing that. Thanks for telling me 💜

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