why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

@Zoe7 has a very wise and kind way of speaking about emotions and life.

I have struggled with very powerful invasive thoughts like you describe. They are lessening over time. When one mh worker asked me if I had a plan. I said I had a mind that could turn anything into a plan ... so I have had to gradually give my self, body, heart and mind, better experiences and gradully over time those thought decreased in intensity and frequency.

To me it sounds as if you are looking at your options being creative and striking out for adventure and positive experiences. I started to separate out the death wishes or thoughts, had conversations with it ... It was not really me ... it was a consequence of my trauma ... Even last week I had a very bad day after I was triggered but nothing like that for a year.

You deserve the best possible life you can have. All kudos to women who go out and get it.

Hugz

Thank you for your lovely words @Former-Member and @Appleblossom I really appreciate the kind words and both of you. We makes such strong connections with people here and truly care how each other is - that is gold to me

@Former-Member You have been looking forward to having your visitor come to stay and I expect they won't care too much if you have cleaned up or not. I really hope you enjoy this time with your friend and can have some moments of happiness in there also.

@Appleblossom As always you convey your own experiences with feeling Hon. We all have our own unique way to share what we have lived through and what we know and you certainly share from the heart

@Appleblossom

thank you for talking so freely about suicidal thoughts, how you've lived with them so long. Most everyone i met can't handle it, even MH workers who panic that we're either (1) playing with them or (2) gonna die on their watch... Its only been mindfulness meditations that helped me separate me from the thoughts. Sometimes I call it "depression or black dog talking" by t think your version is better, it's the TRAUMA
You cracked me up with that story with the therapist "When one mh worker asked me if I had a plan. I said I had a mind that could turn anything into a plan" haha wow, I can so relate to that 🙂 Nice to know I'm not the only one.

I like the idea of healing that can come from gradually givng one's self (body, heart and mind) better experiences.

Its good to hear your thoughts have gradully decreased in intensity and frequency. Even after all you've endured 💔 that's contagious hope 😌
Emotional distress seems to bring it all back for me, and remembering / recalling trauma, so i have to watch that, and not reach for substances like my mother did. Thanks for being here. Must be hard listening to everyone's painful stories...

Someone came to the door today, knocked & called out really loud x5 - I just froze silent, and the dog went nuts, for ages, until she left. I don't know why I do that.

@Former-Member

Hi @Zoe7 ,

its an enigma to me how such strong connections happen here in cyberspace.... not totally convinced on the care factors level but you got me thinking when you say " that is gold to me " wow! But, here i am looking for yas first thing this morning. Quiet whisper - I care too 🦋🎶🌹💞

I AM looking forward to having my visitor come to stay. This person can be picky, but when ya hardly have anyone left, ya just just gotta focus on the good.

So, sigh, Betta drag myself out of bed :face_with_rolling_eyes: lol

Hope your day goes well... 💞

@Former-Member

I was at the coal face re dealing with my brother and sister. I knew they were for real and struggling My sister struggled for 5 years with suicidal behaviour and my brother began and he lasted 9 years after she passed. So for me that was a huge period of my life. Most of the time I was more worried about them than me, but I started to show great signs of the stress and had my own intrusive thoughts and suicidality. My husband of the time said I was manipulating him, but he is really a very immature man, and could never understand my love for my siblings becasue he hated his so much. I was serious and introvert so the fact that I thought and could allow those thoughts to be spoken was huge.

I was also pretty stoic but on the occasion I allowed those thoughts to rise and pass through my mouth to him, I was so far from playing, it was not funny. I was frenzied and tortured for a while for lots of reasons, partly grief, partly his psychological manipulation over "care" issues and then I left him 17 years ago. I kept stuffing the suicidal thoughts down and got on with parenting teaching managing house, but those words and thoughts needed airing and apparently others needed to hear them. I shocked myself when I mentioned it in my Disability Application. The words came out of me in a huge gush. I had worked in the top end of town a lot and felt more of a professional there than a patient, but it was beyond my self control. Whoooosh it came out after all the years of holding it down. The poor girl interviewing me was shocked and so was I. It was my deep personal shameful secret, whilst I was also teaching piano for decades, but not any more I guess ...

I hear you about the responses of workers. I have a Counselling Certificate and did not feel the "training" provided was anywhere near sufficient. Maybe it is slowly getting better over time, even here on this site I fought for the rights of myself and others to be able to mention it and grapple with suicidality in responsible ways. I am never gratuitous about it. I have met some people who use it as throw away lines, but most people are genuinely struggling.

After my separation, gradually my physical body healed a little and my emotional body healed a little. Both will never get totally better.

I am seeing a psychologist and osteopath today, then going to choir. Doing practical and creative things has helped me.

Take Care @Former-Member

You have a busy day today with the psychologist, osteopath and choir @Former-Member I have been a bit quieter over the last couple of days - had a day off yesterday and pretty much just rested all day.

I have work today and don't really feel like it but need to push through those feelings. I know I will be okay once I get there it just takes me some time to get moving. I didin't have a good night - up several times so lack of sleep is an issue already this morning.

I will be okay - just need to get through the next couple of days - get to the weekend and rest up some more.