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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

2720 replies

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

BowSenior Contributor12 Dec 2020, 7:19 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Wondering how you are doing @Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Dec 2020, 7:37 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Bow
I'm K thanks for asking. My boy not long left and I've fallen in a heap just so physically exhausted. Not 'cause if him, he's lovely, just exhaling I guess. Processing everything. My son visited his dad and is very worried about the heart surgery next week and housing couple rels travelling interstate for it. That'll be what he spends his Chrissy break doing by the sounds of it. God is helping me hold my tongue, bide my time and just 'be-there' for my son, as best I can... I think it's working. He seemed VERY forlawn over his losing his grandad earlier in the week but seems to have picked up.
The weather was lovely today ,💙💙💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor14 Dec 2020, 6:29 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hello @Former-Member

Just popping in to see how you are today, are you ok?

👋🙏🌹💝

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember14 Dec 2020, 10:10 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Anastasia how are you? Thanks for checking in. I not the best but hoping it will lift soon just staying in bed.resting a lot, the dog doesn't mind. Sitting hurts my back anyway, nothing good on tv and it's wet outside... so bed it is..I forgot pills yesterday ('till 10pm) and didn't eat 'till 2pm. Fighting blackdog head by this feeling rested. in bed. I've run my racevit seems. So reluctant to re-engage. Got cryptic tx from Bro4 saying all dad's children are discussing scattering my parents ashes in the blue mountains 😞

"If you have a idea what to do say so now so something else might be arranged" I've already made it clear that my wishes arevtovhave mum and dad's ashes entombed together with a headstone and I'm happy to contribute to the cost... They're not listening, the decision makers (abusive Bro2 & control freak sis) dont like me, shut me out, don't respond to me or link me in with any information, not even with dad's funeral. My son had to be 'gobetween' which he hates. Well, Bro4 plays games too, gets it wrong, the things he spews out - you wouldn't believe it, he has no contact with his sons even - re got a 'revelation' they are fathered by aliens &and not his, told them so 😞 which has damaged them. (Bro4 is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with grass and codiene addiction) so I'm very tired of it all and sadly feel the need to block him . I rang Bro3 immediately after the funeral Friday, because he wasn't there on the Livestream feed and I was worried because he suffers terribly with Depression (and diagnosed pSchizophrenia delusion disorder, lives in foil cave... on CTO antipsychotics injections, also pott addiction. He & Bro4 have had major falling out a couple months ago). Anyway, he answered the phone, was asleep and thought the service was 2pm not 1130 😞 said Bro2 told him it was 2 and he started 'going off' I asked him if he wanted the Livestream link (which sis is apparently keeping to herself because I have had to give it to x4 other family members asking, who couldn't contact sis or find it), anyway, Bro3 was happy with that (good with computers) and I went back to time with my son.

I can't handle it all anymore, their crap. Their pain, mine. might have to block them again. Is that wrong? I'm so tired.

Sorry to dump, and do hope you and everyone are ok enough.

"Soldier on we must,

'till God calls us home" 🙏

Thanks for checking up on me, i was feeling quite alone.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor14 Dec 2020, 2:00 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Former-Member

I feel for you I really do. Just cause they are bl00d related does not give them the right to treat you like this. Sometimes sadly blocking is necessary for self preservation. Do what is best for you hun, so in answer to your question it's a definite no it's not wrong - You need to look after yourself.

I'm am so sorry they are not listening nor respecting your right to have a say as to your beloved parents

ashes. Shocking really. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice other than to reply to the text reiterating your wishes. I will pray this works 🙏 If it doesn't hun you did what you could and they will have to live with their selfish decisions.

Perhaps plant a tree/ rose bush or something your Dad loved. Place something nice around the base perhaps a little garden statue again of something that both your parents liked. My Mum is a bird person so I'd choose a bird for her for example. This could be a nice spot for you to have a cuppa and a chat with them. Your own sanctuary just for the three of you and anyone else down the track you want to invite to join for a cuppa. Why do you think?

I like that "soldier on we must, till God calls us home" and you really are doing just that. Super proud of you beautiful. You give me courage to put one foot in front of the other even when I really don't want to.

Thank you for responding I appreciate it very much.

Love and hugs always 💞🤗💞🙏💞🤗💞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor14 Dec 2020, 5:32 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember15 Dec 2020, 6:18 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Had my stitches out today, all x11 of them, didn't hurt, no complications. . Thought of you dear Adge, and all the trouble you had 'healing' after your last surgery (trust that's all good for you now?). They said the 5 internals could cause issues but I got it.

Don't know how I got up and functional today, to keep apt, I've been so flat, but somehow did it. Was good actually, talking with people. This heavy 'flat' feeling ive had all week most be emotional - blackdog or grief or both... but it sure is hitting my muscles. I'm gonna have to fight / push hard to get over this one i think, and the SI. Its hard remembering dad, then realising he's 'not there anymore' - makes me realise how very limited I am as a human, I just can't handle conflict or double binds anymore, I RUN! I HIDE! I think I might get be a coward, and I feel ashamed. I'm not sure maybe I'm getting paranoia, I'm thinking everyone hates me,bits inevitable, and my family want me dead. These thoughts (deep belief) it's not rational, i hate it. Even though others can't see that far, the heaviness... Any wonder people stay away from me, the hopelessness of it all, the thick cloud of sadness... "what sister" my sister says if others ask her about me apparently 😕 There's no support. I have become nothing. I won't be remembered when I die, not even for the good years it seems... less and less each year... I'm trying but...

"Time and Tide wait for none"

Please tag me in guys, I is feeling a bit lost, and alone, lonely, or something, or not.. Take care 🙏

@Adge @Zoe7 @Anastasia @Emelia8 @Faith-and-Hope & anyone reading along. 💙💙💙@

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AnastasiaSenior Contributor15 Dec 2020, 6:32 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Former-Member

I remember you. You matter to me 🙏🤗💙

Love and.hugs my very dear friend 💝💪✔️🙏💞

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor15 Dec 2020, 7:24 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I'm glad your stitches are out, with no complications @Former-Member A relief?

My tummy surgery scars seem fine, at the moment.

After 3 or 4 years of hernia protruding (due to surgery) - Then internal stitches protruding (after hernia surgery), for over 12 months.

Just the usual daily dysfunctional bowel issues - due to those surgeries.

I'm still waiting for my Neurologist appointment (a 6 month wait) - whilst my fingers have been numb, for several months.

Hugs ((((EOR)))) & Kind thoughts to you.

Christmas is always a tough time for me.

I've spent every Christmas for the past 10 years, on my own - no family or people here to celebrate, or to spend time with.

I do go to a Community Christmas Lunch (Big Charity Group Event), when it's available.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember15 Dec 2020, 7:58 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yeah, I guess Christmas could be adding to the underlying stress we're all feeling. I never forget my first Christmas alone, when my son decided to go with his Girlfriend to Victoria, to be with her family. I spent the whole week alone with just phone contact. I wanted to smash the phone because it made my small support circle feel better having phoned me. I didn't feel better. I've always been treated 2nd best or less. So tired of it. Anyway, my son's dad's having heart surgery & recovery at my son's place so I'm not sure they'll be room for me. Kinda all up in the air waiting to see if his dad recovers / survives the high risk op. Anyway, what I'm trying to get to, is to try see Christmas as a PAGAN RITUAL, man made and hijacked by capitalism. Its NOT from God, neither is birthdays, mother's Day, father's, Valentine's... all these things are not natural - it's hype! God is with us when and wherever we are. Alone or in a crowd. Yes, I think it brings opportunity to think of the things of God and require more of ourselves in giving, but really, this should be ALL year round. I am joyousvto remember Christ's coming, but I don't need company to remember him. Actually, my son has drifted from the faith. Even aposed. I had a Christian neighbour with seven children who did NOT celebrate Christmas, no gifts either, it was foreign to me but now I understand. Us single people are at the mercy and kindness of others to make us feel special at these times, but all too often it doesn't come and we're left feeling that there's something wrong with US, that were unloveable and unwanted and don't belong... Why do we let it affect us this way. If I didn't have a son is boycott Christmas all together, make it juat another day... that way I'm not so hurt that everyone else is delusional lol You know what I mean. Enough of that. Thanks for popping by Adge xox

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