why can't I cope longer?

I know it was expected, and in some ways a relief, but it's still sad that my dad hang up his hat yesterday. I thought his dementia he wouldn't notice but he rapidly declined after I told him d moved back to Qld, and I wonder... if I stayed in Sydney ??? Maybe shouldn't have told him. So hard with dementia, not knowing how much they're aware of. Hope he understand that the toxicity around my siblings was more than I could handle. I was in great emotional / mental distress and staying just to visit when he couldn't remember my name - I couldn't. Should never have put him in respite to go well my house, shocking how even friends have criticised me for that. Forever running from blackdog SI - if only my siblings and I could work together instead of this spirit of division. I don't believe it was me. Not that I'm perfect by no means but I really had hoped, trusted there was some sort of family left to be part of there. Its One thing to not have support by by ther to have opposition. Well, some would say - "what does it matter? What difference does it make that dad may have had a few extra years if he stayed at home?" What mattered was, after inbeing forcwd to stay in the his nursing home, in hs own words "I'm alone" he felt alone in there, made worse by covid. Broken heart did it. The lies spilling out of my Bro2 face was just evil. Satan had the upper hand there, squashing me, my love like acfly. I don't understand the hostility red me, it was good that I could be there for mum and dad, God knows none of them we're stepping up. Mum was so very difficult, and the two unwell brothers (MI ) hovering, drugs & arguments... I get that being around them was too hard for most, but I know I didn't deserve to be shunned the same me

I've been shunned here too - other members get swomped with support when they lose a cat, but my dad dying yesterday irrelevant! I don't understand this world, irl or here

Maybe it is me

Maybe I'm a poison

People shun me so as not to 'catch it' maybe. There's not much left to fight for but love. My only true link is my son, but even he mocks my faith in Jesus.

Rambling now

Just feel alone I guess

So many mixed feelings.

My son is cranky COVID stops him getting to dad's funeral.

I woke with headache, backache, cough and emptiness today.

Don't want SI to shadow dad's farewell. I wish I was included in funeral plans but they 'get off' hurting me, so have to just, find other ways.imagine love, What a mess 😢

hi @Former-Member im sorry there are alot of hard things happening for you at the moment, and im so very sorry to hear of your dads passing and equally sad that you didnt feel support here. its horrible to lose a loved one and more so in these times that we find ourselves with covid and all which makes saying goodbyes so difficult. i hope that you somehow find a peace in your heart saying goodbye in whichever way you can and that God will be your peace and refuge in these tiems.

sitting here with you if that helps.

if you questioning whether to reach out then perhaps you need to @Former-Member

what happened to you tummy if i may ask?

My dear @Former-Member ... I am so very sorry 😔💔🤗🌹 for the loss of your Dad. No matter how much his passing was expected, it still comes as a shock when it happens. May he be in a better place now.

You have done so much for so many, and had so little in return from your disrespectful and ungrateful family members @Former-Member

I'm sorry you sometimes feel shunned by others, either here or in real life. It isnt right of course ... it never is. Yet I know it happens sometimes, and it is very damaging.

I have a lot more I could say, but its probably the wrong time now. So for now ... I want you to know I feel your loss and your pain. You did all you could for both your Mum and then your Dad. Hold that close to your heart, because it is true.

Sending you all my love and sympathy right now. Please tag me if you need a listening ear through the coming days. I want to be here for you, just as you have always been here for me. Hold onto your faith to help sustain you.

Emelia 🌹

💜😭💜💞💜💐💜 @Former-Member ......

I gotta fly, but I am thinking of you, and I will be back later when I can. Please reach out for the dressing on your tummy and keep swimming ...... tag some forum friends because they will be here to support you .... 💜🌷 ..... you are not as alone as it feels right now, and you give so much sunshine around the forums when you can ❣️

Oh dear @Former-Member

My heart is breaking for you right now. I am so sad and so terribly sorry for your loss of your darling Dad. I cannot even begin to imagine your grief. Holding you tight and close. Please know that I care for you, love your wit and sense of humor and am here for you every step of every day, I mean that from the bottom of my heart

Ohhh my darling @Former-Member

Sending you tender hugs my friend and understanding cuddles

❤❤❤❤🥰💖💖

Sitting with you xx

I just want to come over and cook dinner for you so we can talk about our Dads @Former-Member and how their big strong arms held us when we were little.

Now we have Father’s arms to hold us 🙏 tight. My dad died in Sydney while I was in Qld too and I hadn’t seen him for months. One day we’ll be together again.

Sending loving hugs today.

❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️