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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Oct 2020, 4:14 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Appleblssom - thanks for wanting to "make the bad go away" - know U understand. I'm worried where the world's headed. Seems if what we do doesn't bring in money, or create paid work for someone - seems it's irrellavant - ittle room for grace and mercy. A lot of people have expressed their "just get on with it" attitude. As for health care workers who choose their victims well - God has a way of holding a mirror up to these people in time. I wonder how many parasuicides actually DID go home and "finish it" because of their words. Actually getting away with murder really. So wrong especially from 'health' workers. I had no strength to fight back. Bullies!
"Thanks for the positives about me, "inspiring in the wholesome and funny ways you post" wow! really, thanks so much, Need that!
Hope your ok yourself. Thank You Apple Night 😴

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Oct 2020, 11:24 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I just burst into song while making my coffee:
🎼Glory Jesus Glory, You do the fighting for me, praise You Jesus praise You, in You, there's always victory"
I particularly like that God fighting for me and I can rest in that reassurance everything will be ok. I'd forgotten, again, so it's confirmation that the Lord hasn't abandoned me. Its amazing the love of God. Fancy me just bursting into song after a day like yesterday. And furbaby is more affectionate than she's been in weeks. Could it be as simple as the cooler weather?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Emelia8Senior Contributor12 Oct 2020, 11:44 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thats wonderful to hear @Former-Member ... for both you and Georgia. 😊💞🌞🐶

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor12 Oct 2020, 12:47 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Glad you have pleasant moments still. @Former-Member They can sneak up and surprise you in a good way.

I have become more aware of the role of my intrusive memories in last 5 years, after @Mazarita said I was triggering myself. It was a complicated mess, of wanting to be with departed souls, wanting to tell the world things should not be like this, things can be better ... gradually I have found ways to think and talk about it that are less triggering. I dont go into full bore grief or rage as if was yesterday ... as much. I accept I cannot control intrusive memories, that is the problem, when they jump into my head while driving and doing a right turn ... For me the big grief and suicidal ideation started in 1986. Must have been a hell of year ... for both of us. There has been a reduction in trauma triggering, as I learn about, and allow myself self care. I am still heartbroken at the destruction in my family. I should have had a year of grandmother memories but really it has only been a couple of hours. There is also my daughter, but I honestly could not have done better, had to forgive myself. Being a teacher I could very easily see also, that I did do pretty well considering, and not do a beat up on self. Seen lots of mothers treating their children poorly, for a while I was overwhelmed with horror of things that happened. Its not just the way I have been treated in my family, but I am detaching my self worth from their behaviour. Putting things in perspective. I know the world would not be a better place if I took my life. Recently I have taken an interest in a young man doing music in Africa with orphans. Then his teacher contacted me. Maybe I can spread my love in a way that matters. My gardening is catching on locally. Today I am doing a swap: irises for local grasses. Keep being you, and be kind to you.

Apple

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Oct 2020, 2:17 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Interesting concept @Appleblossom - "triggering ourself" - well I guess there's nobody else when ya live alone (accept the tv, radio, sirens whirling by, neighbours daughter being same age as my girl, another caught peeking in my front window etc), but ya right, it's our thoughts and feelings about it all, our reactions that complicate it. And then there's the intrusive thoughts, how we respond to them.
One of the biggest breakthroughs I had when SI was empowered with comulsice urge to do it, was a counsellor's passing comment that "it's the anxiety that comes with it that makes it hard" It never occurred to me that the two were different parts that I could separate and do something about. Can't stop the thoughts but it's easier to let them pass if we dont hook into them. Didn't know I was doing this.
Unfortunately, expressing my distress and being heard reduces the anxiety and takes away SI power. There's another thing that motivates me. If I die before dad, those abusive siblings will get my share of inheritance and my son kisses out. Feel free to remind me of that next time. But remember it's a motivation tool, not a coping skills. I still need help to cope with days like yesterday.
My head is real fuzzy today so not clear yet, and I keep finding myself clenching my teeth, so not quite right, but have had an egg on toast and done a mountain of dishes :face_with_rolling_eyes:
Wondering if I'm well enough to go get another load from storage. Ran out of BP pills so probably should go to chemist first.

Like what you said "its not just the way I have been treated in my family, but I am detaching my self worth from their behaviour" This is a very succinct way of putting what I've felt for a while. Why do we let their bad behave (twd us or otherwise) diminish our worth? The way they treat me does trigger SI bigtime. And their rejection. If I didn't love them it wouldn't hurt, but I can't not love them, which I think maybe they don't feel the same. Bible says I have to pray God blesses them. That's the real test of forgiveness.
Rambelling again sorry.
I gotta go.
I'm glad you've found things you have to offer the world still. Not sure I'll ever get there again myself but glad for you. I mean that 💙

@Faith-and-Hope, haven't replied to you from yesterday. Vague memory I did but maybe fell asleep. I wanna thank you for your post and defending me with those horrible professionals wishing me dead (in my memory) way back when and yes, while I was in such a vulnerable state. I never looked at it that way, that i was so vulnerable at the time, how dare they! What's that saying "bullies are really cowards in disguise" Not good that i keep letting the poison of others penetrate my soul, my self concept and worth. I have no shield To it. "External locus of control" I guess (according to 1st year psychology), not an easy one to change. My mum had it real bad. Tie that in with paranoia and boy, could she be an unreasonable, unpredictable and explosive tyrant at times.
Op, waffling again
Hope your doin' ok F&H... its a long bumpy road marriage breakdown, especially with dependants. 🤔like giving birth and cuttting the cord 1,000 fold. Have you filed for divorce? So over all the pain men cause. Is it really that hard to actually love us. Stupidhead! ya stbx hubby, not you lol. Dont let it poison you. It will work out in the end, 5yrs from now, you'll see.

You know you helped me more than anyone those more volotile days 4yrs back, and I really appreciate that and your light that somehow came through more than most for mem That light will shine bright again, even brighter, you'll see. Have a read of Desiderata again. Keep your soft heart and endure 'till the end. Your diserve to be happy, hugz 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Oct 2020, 2:21 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

^^^ sorry about typos above, website won't let me edit

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor12 Oct 2020, 3:50 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

You have so many great understandings. @Former-Member

The other irony is that you are a nurse, so the services need to up their act as, it was an abuse of one of their own.

Hearing you re coping and motivation being different. I know you are inventive and creative and care for life and people. If I focus on being upset at not seeing my children and grandchildren and not living in a culture of respect, I will tear myself apart. So I also live as an individual. That has only felt right recently as youngest left home. When I think of what I have achieved I have to have some pride and make my education matter.

Daily check ins to the forum have helped dispell my loneliness, and given me the energy and wherewithall to make other closer irl connections. Pretty slow tho.

There is some instinctive need to express things for authenticity, and maybe to get appropriate responses.WIth teeth clenching... I have been aware and working on my TMJ joint for 20 years, when a chiropractor suggested Myotherapy on it. Only had a few, but now regularly, massage it myself. Was supposed to get teeth splint, but Covid happened.

Regarding the anger things, I have posted about it before, being taught that I should express my anger, but not feeling in touch with it. Tbh I think it was instinctive on my part, as nothing would have improved if I had. What I did do later was channel it, often physically through exercise and work. In XR Rebellion, they sign off ... "love and rage". There are the "fire in the belly" arguments, as the energy for social change.

DO what you can, when you can. You dont need to compare self with others.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor12 Oct 2020, 10:27 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hey @Former-Member I love your post about singing that song “Glory Jesus glory” wow that’s a blast from the past!

Thanks so much for your beautiful words and for sharing so truthfully.

I hope you don’t mind me reading your thread but it truly made my day.

I trust you continue to have such moments.

💙🧡💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Oct 2020, 10:36 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Of cause I don't mind @Eve7 and I'm so glad to have someone to share the faith with / pick up on that song. Does the Holy Spirit give you songs out of the he blew like that too? Its gotta be God cause I've been so very sad.
In the early days of Grief I fried "God how will I ever be happy again?" Gentle whistler said "you have my joy" Then that song "Joy is a flag..." Joy is a fruit of he spirit and not dependent on circumstances. Good to see ya Eve 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Eve7Senior Contributor12 Oct 2020, 10:41 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Just before my H died I used to listen to a song by the Newsboys called Strong Tower and I realised that I didn’t have to be strong because God was strong for me @Former-Member If I listen to it now I just cry but it was very special at the time.

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