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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Oct 2020, 3:52 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I am so so so sorry to read what was said to you @Former-Member / Tawney when you were so vulnerable and in hospital 😔😔😔. I don't care how much they might think anyone was wasting their time, nobody deserves to be treated that way ..... Nobody !! Ever !! We can't know what anybody's personal circumstances are, or what has pushed them to that edge ..... I am so glad @Zoe7 @Emelia8 @Appleblossom and @Otter have been here for you. I am in a place of overwhelm at the moment, so pretty low on both energy and words, but tag me @Former-Member and I will sit with you 🌻💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor11 Oct 2020, 6:23 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

Agitation is so hard.

Makes sense though when remembering such a horrific moment in your life, with all the emotional and physical things leading to that moment, and then to be told that.

You are doing the right thing in finding different activities to focus and calm yourself. You are also inspiring in the wholesome and funny ways you post. That attitude in emergency dept is outrageous and people need to know about it and also be outraged. It is not a question of throwing dollars at mental health, saying they are professional, then wiping their hands of it. Things like that happened in my family and there is no fixing the broken lives, by casually saying, its a broken system ... oh well ... You were professional and I was professional ... and we know 'being an expert' on mental health wont bring a quick fix either.

I am worried about the way the world is going. We need people like you in it. Sorry I cant make the bad go away.

Apple

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Oct 2020, 8:01 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member That nurse should not have been doing the job - that was more than unacceptable - that was dangerous. You needed and deserved empathy and care and you more than should have expected it from the hospital.

Of course I knew you as Tawney - you have been with me all along the way from the very beginning - and I am grateful for that

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 Oct 2020, 10:42 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thank you all for your comforting comments and support. Means a lot, honest. I don't know what today's episode is all about. Maybe I'm bipolar or going demented. Its awful.
And I don't know why those abusive comments said to me as far back as 3 decades still have an impact, just stupid.
This afternoon I had to burn off nervousness energy, managed to rearranged the garage a bit, to make room for storage stuff. Worked up a sweat, hurt my back, cried some more, then comfort ate, finished off some wine, watched Doc Martin... all trying to not think, but the minute I stop moving, the tears come. I'm really washed out and have headache. Might take a pill every hour 'till i nod off, or not, but I just can't switch off the brain crazies and the loud whistles in my ears. I don't know what's wrong today, hoping tomorrow's more calm. And thank you all for being here for me at least. Was hoping my son would ring but that didn't happen. Not that I could have held it together enough for his standard I guess. My best is not enough there. I'm so tired.

@Zoe7 - I was worried earlier, after the moderator popped up 🤔 Think she confused us with what was happening on ANC thread maybe. No matter, glad you've popped back tonight and hope you, and your heart and furbaby's are ok (((💙))). I'm Surprised you remember Tawney, I can't make a connection and hope I was behaved. Hate that I forget so much here and do apologise. Do you have to work this week with that hand? Wishing you a good night's sleep tonight 💕

@Applenlossom @Emelia @Faith-and-Hope - appreciate you and will try reply individually in brief (if i don't fall asleep trying)
Hi @Adge - see you there - hope you're ok 🐦

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Oct 2020, 10:55 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hey @Former-Member Really pleased to see you back here tonight - was worried about you but didn't want to put any pressure on you this afternoon. You have had quite a day hey. Maybe you could come and sort out my garage too so I can fit things in 👍😁

I do remember Tawney well - there were certainly ups and downs but what I remember the most is how much you were going through with your family - it was such an extraordinarily hard time for you doing everything for everyone apart from yourself. You really have come a very long way Hon. You got through all that, sold your house, moved a long way away and now are back closer to your son. I do know that relationship is not as close as you want it to be right now but being closer is a positive. You are doing your best Hon and that is all we can ask of ourselves. Give Georgia an extra big cuddle tonight - I am doing the same with Tobes. Been a shit day but can't expect anything else at the moment.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 Oct 2020, 11:15 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Zoe7 - I really do hope next week is kinder to you🌻

@Emelia8 thanks for those kind words, and concern, but dont want to burden anyone, please don't worry, you have enough on your plate. All of us have this week i think. Bit like the blind leading the blind expecting us to prop each other up and all. Don't wanna overburden anyone, ever (don't tell that A&E nurse lol) I know you understand. No, I can't place a trigger, an event. Even wonderedvifvmwybebkoving back here rally hwsvut me too close to the X who once boasted he could penetrate my thought less than 500km. Maybe he's got his vudo doll out 🙁 Just an enigma. Thanks fore caring. I'm safe as, too tired to do something stupid lol. Already in bed with furbub.
Its a nice image, you and little Holly relaxing together, sipping tea. I'm glad you are having those mini breaks, big few weeks ahead for you girl. Hugz 🌷

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor11 Oct 2020, 11:45 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

No I'm not good @Former-Member

I did not want to distract from what you were saying.

I have not been able to write or post on forums much recently- that's always a bad sign.

What those nurses said to you was unacceptable - there's no excuse for it, just horrible.

I've been remembering similar horrible things that were said to me too - by nurses in hospital, & by other people.

These are intrusive thoughts & intrusive memories- some from 30 years ago.

I get upset - because those things said were untrue, abusive & callously unkind.

Yet my mind remembers those more than any praise or kind words.

Have a good night.

I've not slept well any night in the past 2 weeks.

Very weary - hoping tonight is better sleep.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 Oct 2020, 11:49 pm AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I hope tonight is better for you too @Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Oct 2020, 12:32 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Sounds horrible @Adge, I had noticed your absence a Little bit not sleeping properly fo more than 2wks sucks! And the being anxious about it just makes it worse. Are you still walking? Can I do Yoga at home? Intrusive memories, forgot you know what that's like too. Guess I'm not alone in that. Nor are you. Life is hard. We just gotta ride the waves 🌊 and not think too much, hey. Chin up 🦒

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember12 Oct 2020, 12:46 am AEDT

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Faith-and-Hope, thanks for your post, I've missed you. And thanks for discouraging I'll treatment. You're right... I WAS extremely vulnerable, they should have known that. I've had so much SHAME put on me, from way back when mum put my soiled mattress in the front yard for the world to see, and dragged me out there in my PJs to hose me of (bedwetter). Life can be cruel.
I'm sad you're in that "place of overwhelm" and low on both energy and words. So I value you dropping by even more. thank you, and go gently this week 💙🌷💙

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