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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember18 Sept 2020, 6:22 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Its funny @Adge 😃👍 but I have never ever for one minute seen myself or been called 'sexy' Quite the opposite actually... More like a cross between baggy bag lady and turtleneck principle spinster lol... But thanks. Hope you're ok 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor18 Sept 2020, 6:26 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Well I don't feel at all Sexy either @Former-Member I wish I did.

That is pretty Funny though....

People in movies etc who dance around - thinking that they are Sexy, are Hilarious....

Psy in Gangnam Style (his Song) thinks he's sexy - he's hilarious.

Adge

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember18 Sept 2020, 6:38 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

My girl visited me in a dream this morning. It was so real 😮 I rolled her I've miss her so much, she said me too. Apologised for not being able to save her, and mistakes I always made... she said "none of that matters" it was real, I say her heart again, she's still there, still with me, and I her, she's still shy and caring and delightful soul. I'm glad she's with God, and not 'gone' so much better for her there 😢
None of our intermeshed external defense's here in currupted human form, none of it matters... what matters in the innermost heart of hearts - our soul, where God meets with us. That's all that really matters

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor18 Sept 2020, 6:40 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

💜💐💕 @Former-Member .....

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember19 Sept 2020, 6:51 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope 💜🌻💚🌷
@Emelia8, can't find your thread after I timed out and came back, so just put your post here for that's ok, cause I rarely have the headspace to write much.
Sorry to read you've had more trauma and in pain and off for difficult tests soon. I haven't kept up well but care enough to come looking you up tonight.
Some of your words, your recent posts, you're still really hard on yourself you know. Please try remember to be gentle with you in your self talk, what you say about you. Say after me (out loud):
"I'm a good person"
"I deserve to live"
"Everything will be ok"
Your subconscious is listening to your words. An ancient text says:
"Great ships are driven by strong winds, yet they are steered by a very small rudder to wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body that can set your path toward honour or destruction"
Its hard at first, but even Louise Hay says "the first step in learning Self Compassion is to stop putting yourself down"
Hope you don't mind me saying, just trying to help 'cause you're worth it.
What did you get up to today? I'm proud of myself for doing a couple hours heavy gardening (heavy for me lol) and trimmed my furbaby's coat (well, half cause she didn't like it much). Her long fur is picking up a lot of those little bindie balls at our new residence. Normally I take her to professional grooming but thought I'd try myself, I'm getting more confident and saving $80 a go. How's your furbaby?🌷🌷🌷

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

PeriSenior Contributor23 Sept 2020, 10:13 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Dear @Former-Member ,

what a kind message to emelia8.

I think about her a lot too. My anxiety is really high this morning and I can’t get rid of the feeling.

How are you @Former-Member ? My son trimmed my dogs a few weeks ago but sort of stopped half way through so they look totally ridiculous I shall have a go at finishing them.

The weather is warm today , I live in Perth, so a bath first might be good for them.

I am so tired most of the time I hate being retired but have no energy to work. And I am getting old!

I find being retired like sitting in a waiting room. Occasionally moving about , but waiting for something to happen

I never used to be like this

peri

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember23 Sept 2020, 6:38 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Peri, thanks for your post, I'm not very active on the forums these days. Sounds like we have a few things in common. The waiting Room feeling, depression, older, furbabies...
I try have lots of projects lined up to do... but that can be a problem when lacking 'focus' 'memory' 'energy' and 'geting organised' :face_with_rolling_eyes: but just gotta keep trying. Do you have any hobbies? Do try finish your pup's hair cut, your confidence will come. My girls haircut looks a bit messy but she's so much more come now. I just picked up clumps and cut them to about 1cm. Saved $80 and careful not to hurt her. Not sure how to best get the fur between her paws 🤔
Speaking of boys attempts to help with grooming dogs... My dog use to be my mum's (before she died) I remember my Bro2 'helping out' - his trim left a big mohawk up her back 😲 he thought it was funny.
What did you do today? I bought a comfe lounge chair, from Gumtree, really comfe, but heavy, might have to ask neighbour to help get it out of the car (if i have to), oh well. Do you have any family support?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

PeriSenior Contributor24 Sept 2020, 11:04 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Yes @Former-Member ,

it would seem that we do have a lot in common.

I will bath the dogs today then have a go at finishing them. Will be fun

yes I read and I like to knit. But I am having trouble focusing on anything or persisting at things. It is exactly as you said, focus memory energy.

I feel so sad lately. And I hate having no money. I don’t need lots but I struggle financially and that gets me down, nothing unusual there. It is what lots of people go through.

The comfy chair sounds nice.

Yes I have a supportive sister, but they are both interstate so I can’t see them and a friend here who is very supportive. But I do think people get sick of the depressed.

Keep in touch when you feel up to it

peri

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember24 Sept 2020, 3:40 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Peri, did you do the dogs? 🐶👍 Glad you like reading, and knitting. That's two things I'm not good at. What's the last thing you finished knitting? My concentration can only cope with crocheting and short story reading it seems. Even following movies is a struggle, my son hated me asking... what happened? why? Same problem getting to know people on the forums, backgrounds and profiles just fly out my mind if I'm not connecting same path regular (sorry if I've forgotten you from before 🙁), don't mean to offend, have to live 'in the now' mostly, until established.
Ya right, people do get sick of it, anything that 'drains' or makes them feel down. The 'strong' are not really strong at all. And who really wants to do that to anyone, be a burden? Depression is 'unacceptable' and no reconcilable, and when all consuming - loneliness causes too many topping themselves, just gotta ride out the slumps - know that even the longest dunking wave has an end... Do you get SI with Depression? It haunted me on & off for decades, but only had one bad wave this week. Think moving here closer to friendship and my son has helped. A lot of people see MI as a choice... who would choose to feel this lonely and exhausted every day, by choice? Gotta keep busy.
I do Understand that heavy feeling ya just can't get moving, mine was bad this morning when furbaby peskered me to get up & let her out (for pee) 😒 but felt a bit better after banana & cuppa - couple if hours.
I've rearranging my tiny lounge to make room for this new chair. So looking forward to being comfe to watch a movie, and using the footrest. Just gotta get it out the car, Hmm, have a plan, let you know later. What have you been doing today?
Hi @🍏blossom, @🐦dge... I see you ☑️ 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

PeriSenior Contributor24 Sept 2020, 6:53 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member , no I didn’t do the dogs. . I did the floors made meringues a rice pudding and a cake for my sons birthday. I changed beds and then the day is gone. I am currently sitting out the back with the paper and a glass of wine.

I don’t think that depressions is unacceptable but friends and others don’t want to hear about too much the same way we don’t want to listen to anyone yapping on about their heath.

I first had a severe depression in my early twenties and have bouts of it ever since. The anxiety has only joined in over the last five years and that is terrifying. Yes I have has SI all along. I have even attempt it and ended up in intensive care. But that was many many years ago. I have SI popping into my head daily, several times a day. I just try to shift my focus or do something. .

arranging rooms is good I bet you will love your new chair.

MI is no choice. I would not choose to be like this and to have these thoughts in my head. It is very difficult. No one would want this.

i try to do the find theee things I want to do today, then at the end of the day three things I am grateful for. It doesn’t always work.

Never mind

look forward to hearing about your plan

peri

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