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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor25 July 2020, 12:37 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Not crazy at all @Former-Member It is a big move you have made with a lot of 'loose ends' to maybe have to tie up but you are doing what is right for you and having your son being so close and that relationship improving substantially must be making the move so worthwhile. Really happy for you EOR.

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

MaggieSenior Contributor26 July 2020, 5:22 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member A lock up garage would be important for lots of reasons, but my thoughts went to heat protection. Especially in your area.☀️☀️☀️

Its good fur baby has a next door mate to bluff with.🐶🐶

So far so good. Really hoping life has some good times ahead for you. You might be enjoying your sons visit this weekend. Enjoy. Take care @Former-Member 💕💕

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor26 July 2020, 4:44 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember26 July 2020, 9:05 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @Adge, @Maggie, @Zoe7, appreciate that Yas care enough to say.
My boy is ok, said he felt depressed a bit, and Vey overwhelmed with his dad sick and work overstretching him and allergies... not sure I listened good enough. Kinda losing the art of conversation really, life's left me speechless around him. Outside my faith there's not much positive stuff to talk about. Gotta keep it positive. He buffs off talk of God 😏 Still carries fair bit of anger... Still learning to listen more. Social distancing fail - we had to hugged - elbow bump just not enough, but Qld doing pretty good atm.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 July 2020, 6:59 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member You are having contact with your son and that is the most important thing. It makes the move such a positive one for you and that warms my heart

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember27 July 2020, 8:44 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Maybe @Zoe7, but I'm feeling sad. My moving here (major Qld regional centre) was inadvertently timed with my son's dad taking ill (terminal) and my boy lumbered with having to coordinate extended family (who had very little to do with my boy growing up, re never really approved of our marriage, didn't like me), my boy helped him move into supported care, and unfortunately he's now living not far from me. I am still frightened of his dad. Thing is, these visits my boy visits his dad before snd after spending the night with me. This last two visits he spent a lot of time with his step sister who hates me. Conversation is all about the abusive X and his 1st marriage children, who are suddenly back in my boys life and it feels like I've lost him to their bias. It takes all my energy to bite my tongue. His dad doesn't deserve him, all he did to us, especially my girl (which my boy doesn't seem to believe) I find myself wishing him dead and then feel guilty... I clam up around my boy, but cook and be hospitable with him, give him that soft place to fall. But dont feel it's enough. Mided feelings. Got a bit of SI tonight, but maybe just the weather too. So cold today I've done nothing, not even take a much needed shower. Tried to find a psych today but so far all of them charge upfront $160-190 a session 😟 Given their track record with actually helping, is this expense really viable. Just gotta go it alone I guess. I got really distressed today trying to log into Rental Bond board to sort issues, couldn't remember passwords, or answers to secret questions or even which bank account I'm using... which kept locking mecout and caused the assistant alarm about my authenticity... started crying... felt so out of control I guess. Fortunately I didn't have to respond, only consequence was 2wk delay in payment, Soni went down that way. My son is so stretched I don't wanna ask him for help. Feels like I can't do these basic life skills anymore, so high tech... Irrational phobia. I donno, maybe tomorrow will be better.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 July 2020, 9:32 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

That is really difficult for you @Former-Member As you said though - you are providing a soft place for your son to fall and that makes a difference. He may not show it but he wouldn't be coming to you if he did not care so take heart that you are not only there for him but he is quite clearly open to talking to you about things. It certainly is not easy for you to listen when it brings up so many emotions and memories for you but you are doing that so you are showing immense strength. The SI may be both the weather and those memories - it is hard ...we both know that but you are in a much better place than you were even a year ago - I can see that and I am sure others here can too - so you can get through this. Today the world seemed to conspire against you - bloody technology is only good when it works. Quite frankly I believe there should be different options for different people - not everyone is okay with computers or technology and it can be both confusing and alienating for a lot of people - you are not alone there. I personally think you should ask your son to help but only you can be the judge of that knowing how he is coping with everything himself first hand. For tonight keep warm and stay safe and then tackle tomorrow when it comes

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

OtterSenior Contributor27 July 2020, 9:58 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member

My sympathies that it has been one of those nights where SI has come up for you and has been tricky to manage. Are you able to reach out to a crisis support line, potentially Lifeline or SCBS, in the instance that you need to chat to someone? Are you receptive to reaching out to someone for some instantaneous support?

In this with you always,

Otter

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember27 July 2020, 10:22 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks @otta, not distressed, just lost. Will do some grounding. Thanks ❇️

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

MaggieSenior Contributor28 July 2020, 5:03 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member I’ve just read your post. I’m really sorry you have stuff from the past dragging you and your son down. It all sounds really really hard.

I understand too well the tec problems. It’s not our world, it doesn’t come naturally.

I hope today is just a little brighter. Take care where you can. 💙💙💙

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