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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 4:56 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

WENT OUT TODAY, set alarm, skipped breakfast re U/s, hot shower & out the door. The cold air and tiny floating ice droplets hit my face, slete I guess ☃️
9am ultrasound (episode region) re tummy pains. Technician spent a lot more time than usual around the liver. Said I didn't have stones so guess something else is going on there. Bit of a worry - especially when she said "we have to keep an eye on you" (what did she mean by that I wonder?) evrn asked "when ya gonna see ya dr next? - gets me worried. Same company as my Qld radiology, so comparisons possible. Hope it's not the dreded Ca :face_with_rolling_eyes: guess I'll find out at next week's at dr apt.

Stopped at coffee shop first time in ages - cuppacino & spinach feta brunch.

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 5:02 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Adge I see you there. Are you bit better today? 💙

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor02 June 2020, 5:19 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member You can see me, even when I'm hiding (just kidding) - very talented.

I've just been to the Dr to have both ears flushed out & syringed with warm water.

I can finally hear again (that's exciting) - after being deaf in my left ear for over a week, then my right ear (as well).

I got a referral back to see Surgeon for internal stitches - still poking out (for 18 months), from my last surgery.

I do not want to have to follow that up - or have any more surgical procedures.

Oh well, goto do it (I guess).....

How are you?

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 5:20 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hello again @Former-Member ... Its good that you are to have regular fortnightly psych appointments. I hope in time something more substantial develops there, by way of real therapy. But I know it can take time for a trusting professional relationship to develop.

I would be very happy to have you here for a cuppa or a BBQ anytime EOR. I live on 3 acres in a semi rural setting. Lots of trees, birds, animals etc. We have lots of little private nooks around the deck, where lots of trees shrubs etc make it feel like a place you can hide out a bit. Another area where you overlook our fishpond in a sunken garden area. There are also places where we have an outlook of local farmland, and distant mountains. Our deck is on 3 sides of our house and is covered by a bullnosed roof. Did you browse last weeks "wellbeing" thread? I posted some of those pics there.

It sounds cold at your place, with sleet around. Brrrr ... icy. 🧊❄ I'm like you by the sound of it. Its much easier to get warm when its cold, than it is to get cool when its hot.

Gee EOR I really hope your ultrasound results are okay. I can understand your concern while waiting for your GP appointment next week. I hope its early next week, rather than late? Still ... worrying about what may be, isnt going to make things better.

I'm glad you stopped off at a coffee shop for cappacino and spinach feta brunch. Sounds yummy. Isnt it nice that we are finally able to start doing normal things again?

Okay better go get something prepped for dinner. Thinking I might do something with some leftover roast chicken. Perhaps a pasta option.

Catch you again soon.

Sherry 🌺

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 5:34 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh @Adge, is that stitch in your abdomen? I can understand why you wouldn't want to 'go there' with your scars and bad memories. Bit of a PTSD thing maybe... Oh dear. But from my nursing, of the stitch is sticking up and not absorbed, its probably superficial and a minor procedure. My only tummy problems was caesarians but they've healed fine. Hope I don't have liver problems after the sus scan today.
So glad you got your ears back... wonder what causes a sudden buildup of wax like that? You can hear your birds better now. How's the peachface settling in with the others?

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 5:55 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Wow, @Former-Member - 3 acres in the country... with lots of trees, birds, animals, fishpond, sunken garden... views of local farmland, and distant mountains... OMG😃 do you have any idea how blessed you are? I'll definately look up the wellbeing thread to get some visuals. Sounds like heaven 😀👍
It is cold / icy at my place but I don't mind.
Yes, I'm concerned about scans but not making apt - I prefer to wait & see if she calls me in when she gets results Thursday... that would give me a headsup, and if she doesn't then it's not serious... (I know, i'm weird lol).
It is nice that we can finally have a coffee out now. My fav thing.
Chicken pasta sounds yum. Do you hear that? Someone's at the door... its me coming for tea. 😁
Nice chatting 💐

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 6:02 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Ha ha ... @Former-Member ... welcome anytime my friend. 😀💗

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 6:11 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Couldn't help myself, after Woolies I called into the local TipShop... I'm on a mission for soft coloured glass glasses. Found 4 so far. But, alas, there was more :face_with_rolling_eyes: Stainless Steel electric frypan in hook condition - $10, club steering wheel lock, x3 matching tinted glass canisters with steel screw on lids. And Pyrex dinner plate 😁 My bad? lol

Wow, news just said we've had the best autumn rain in 3 decades. And 3cm snow at Oberon.

@Appleblossom are you ok today?

Thinking of you too @F&H

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember02 June 2020, 6:13 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Oh, there you are 😃👍

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor02 June 2020, 7:20 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

I am not too bad, but busy and logged on late. @Former-Member

Its cold. Did mending job been putting off, and fielding calls from my son. Also physio.

Ha ha about tip shop ... I only shop for what I NEED these days .. or I might pick up too much stuff I can afford and fill my house with tip stuff ... lol. I only go a couple times per year lately ... that is an advantage of being in the one spot ... I have been here 18 years. Sydney has a lot of issues with it, also too damn expensive. FInd a place you can afford to dig in to ... and do all the nesting things ... it will bring out the best in you ... maybe days driving distance from the grave. Visiting graves has been a thing for me. Yes your son may move anywhere, and it is best he feels free to go where he needs to go while he is young. JMO. Maybe you are a closet quilter ?? My mending today actually involved very basic quilting to repair a mattress protector ... none of the decorative stuff ... lol blah ...

Maybe that is why I need a cleaner. She only does an hour per fortnight. I really could not physically manage everything alone. You might be younger and fitter than I, not sure ... Trying to do everything inside and out ... was putting out my neck quite regularly. It should not be necessary for that to occur. Anyway .. I ended up being my paver>>LOL... the gender divide in activities has not been a luxury for me either.

The physio has made such a difference to me. A rare find. I was worried when she kept "putting" "God" on me, randomly without listening, but I spoke about some of my issues ... re religion ... and eventually she looked at the news and realised. I have made a little physio garden as thank you and a young receptionist seems to really appreciate it. I gave her professional specialised peer article ... etc etc ... talked re plan. It is nice when the God people actually turn out to be GOOD people.

I "share" more with the physio than the cleaner. Thats alright. I am learning and have the luxury these days ... to be able to do the horses for courses thingy ... meaning ... make insightful choices ... about how much, and with whom to share ... NEVER had the MUXURY before this year.

I like your ... Lets never give up.

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