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why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember09 Jan 2019, 10:22 pm AEDT

why can't I cope longer?

Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.

I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...

And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.

I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.

And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?

Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.

Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...

Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...

My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...

Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned 😞

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In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 May 2020, 7:39 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Thanks for that vote of confidence @Former-Member - very much appreciated. We all have good and bad days Hon but hopefully more good days are to come for you. Yesterday was a good day so hold onto all that happiness - you deserve it

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

Zoe7Senior Contributor11 May 2020, 7:41 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member Yes I was having trouble sleeping last night - eventually got there but needed more. Just woke up after falling asleep working at home - still some more to do but might need to finish it in the morning now.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 May 2020, 8:22 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Pic of my birds this week

@Adge Thinking of you 🌿🕊️

Thanks. @@@@Zoe7 and @@Sherry, I hope you are ok? It WAS good not to spend mother's day crying. Out of touch with emotions atm, need to get back meditating... get rid of the 'blob' routine l

Had my 4th telehealth with counsellor yesterday (intake officer) and start with psychologist Friday (re high risk stuff). I doubt there's anything she'll offer that I haven't heard before.. but gotta jump through their hoops or it looks like I don't WANT help. What I need is family love, community support... a sense of acceptance and belonging. This 'counselling' routine is just a drop in the ocean of the human soul. And this next two visits will be introductions anyway.(unhelpful to me) Can't believe it's taken me 8wks to get to this point. Luckily the SI has dropped off a lot in intensity, maybe 'cause I'm talking with someone an hour a week, might be that. She's good. This new psych has worked in corrective services so im a bit nervous she's gonna play hardball 😳.

Anyway, I'll give it another go. Bit over it though.

Wish I could go somewhere and be looked after for a week. or two... just so tired.

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

AdgeSenior Contributor11 May 2020, 9:18 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @Former-Member

All the best with your new psychologist (counselling).

My psych used to work in corrective services years ago - she doesn't play hard ball, so hopefully yours won't.

Subsidised (or government funded) psychology services have always terminated me (shown me the door), after too few (inadequate number of) appointments - which is why I see a private psychologist.

It's always been by far my largest (highest) regular expense - yet I know that she won't "show me the door" (get rid of me), until I'm done, or it's not helping.

I need that level of security - I can only do it, because my psych gives me a good discount, as a long-term client.

Otherwise Clinical Psychologist fees of $240 per 50 min appointment, are totally unaffordable.

I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight.

It was a rough day for me today.

I'm very tired.

I'm aiming & hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Adge

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember11 May 2020, 11:51 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member ^^^

Oh dear @Adge, sorry you have such difficulty at work. As for $200+ psych sessions - what a crock! (In my opinion). But if it works for you... Apart from security, what do you get out of sessions? I sometimes get morevsloutbof talking with a friend.
I'm not sure what it will cost for me yet, that hasn't come up. Someone did say LikeMind is Gov, who knows. Do you think I should do it, I just feel maybe I'm not bad enough to burn their limited resources. Actually, I hear, with the COVID-19, there running low on clients... especially private. TeleHealth rollout is helping them and doctors a bit.
News just said global covid deaths is now over 1/4 million 😞
Hope you sleep well, wake up refreshed and have a better day ahead 💗

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

outlanderSenior Contributor17 May 2020, 7:46 pm AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

@Former-Member

sending love and hugs

it wont let me upload pics on this thread and a few others for some reason 🤷‍♀️

In response to: Re: why can't I cope longer?

Unknown userMember18 May 2020, 5:36 am AEST

Re: why can't I cope longer?

Hi @ outlander , thanks for thinking of me. I'm ok'ish atm ta, on a good wave actually 😁 even organised the pantry and freezer yesterday and a mount of dishes 😇 Maybe getting a telehealth phone call from counsellor once a week is actually helping this last month? Eventually got support after ringing Beyond Blue >> Community Health >> LikeMind intake counsellor... who put me in with their psychologists (after getting CarePlan from GP). Psychologist actually rang first time Friday. She asked me to tell her a bit about myself which opened the floodgates for the next hour. A mixture of tears, giggles, pauses and more tears. She thinks there's a lot of 'rejection' in my past re two children's him, my mother's MI, losses, and this may have compounded with the way my adult siblings behaved around my coming to help mum and dad this last couple of years. My sisters rejection more painful than I could imagine. Anyway, psych sounds 12yrs old but speaks my language it seems. Doesn't think I'm showing any psychosis / delusions like my sister was telling people and to my face while I was up every night caring for dying mum while she did nothing! Anyway, the psych can see / talk every fortnight. Ive warned them hospital sends me backward and it's not an option. The intake officer will speak to me in between. And they're sticking to the same timeslot every Friday which really helps me (re so unorganised).

Not much else is defferent atm, accept the cold weather. How was your weekend?

Hmm, just got craving for porridge 🥣 Betta go have brekky 💗

In response to: why can't I cope longer?

outlanderSenior Contributor27 May 2020, 12:23 am AEST