having a bad morning

@BlueBay

Only you know the answer about what to tell the psyche - but imo - if you are feeling so bad - well - if I were feeling that bad - I would tell him

After all - what is the worst thing that can happen? If you tell him you might find yourself having a bit of time out - which I think you need - you have been feeling trapped and this might be exactly what will help

But if you don't - what could be the worst thing then?

I hope I have caught you before you have gone into his office - but I will be back at my computer to see if you are okay

Decadian

Hi @BlueBay

I spent a few years being tormented by feelings of anger and wanting revenge against my mother. It was dreadful and totally turned my idea about myself as decent person trying to do the right thing upside down.

I had not been very angry as a teen, but spent a lot of time dealing with my siblings anger. Then I started therapies which advocated meditation and non-harmful expression of anger.

I didnt really get in touch with the fullness of my anger to my mother until I was in my mid 40s. MOstly I tried to understand my siblings anger at her and guide them into less harmful .. anger out or in behaviours. Their anger overwhelmed them and it was not good. Then 10 years later I was going through similar things as they had before they died.

I wont mention the various ideas of revenge that occurred to me, unbidden as if from nowhere. She had betrayed and hurt me in many very deep ways, but I did not want to act out like my younger sibs had as it only destroyed them, and made her stronger.

My mother died over a year ago. I can live with my decisions with self respect. Mind you I was paralysed a lot trying to squash down the vengeful impulses inside me and not have them disturb me, my son or my piano students etc.

I had agreed to positive meetings with her throughout my adulthood, invited to her family holidays, occasional concerts and visited her in her nursing home in the last 9 months of her cancer. She never really apologised, admitted, or found compassion for my situation. I allowed myself verbal freedom. But I am strong disciplined and diplomatic by nature, so negative challenging statements emerged only a few times and still we continued til her end. Your situation with your mother is different, but I am letting you know that I have been in a similar place. We are "supposed" to have gratitude for our mother as giver of life ... hmmm ..

Clarity about things has been important for me to get a handle on it. I also started to think of the vengeful thoughts as intrusive thoughts. It is horrible to deal with our shadow side, but most people have to do it at some time of their lives. The fact of the matter is that you do struggle with your demons, you dont just lash out mindlessly. Personal agency and deciding on a personal path of how I was going to treat my mother helped a bit when she was alive. Limit contact, maintain authenticity which might include positive and negative thoughts. To deny the negative just makes it stronger and more hidden part of your psyche.

I am not saying whether you go in to a mhu or not, that is up to you and your doc. But either way these are some of the things that I went through in my attempt to deal with it.

I am no longer wracked with powerful unwanted thoughts centred on her. From time to time I think back on her without the illusions of a child and see the range of her qualities, I am no longer dominated by her values, and gradually feeling more free to live my life on my terms. Just hope you can get some strength and ideas for yourself in my story. Good Luck @BlueBay

Hi @BlueBay how did you go with the doctor? Still thinking about you and sending you my support.

Hi everyone

Well while i waited in the waiting room i started writing down how i was feeling and it all came out. I hate my mum, self harm thoughts, suicide thoughts, so much anger. I walked into my psychs room and said to him - here this is how i am feeling right now. He was reading it and kept saying hmmmm. I just stared into space. He asked what i was thinking of doing for sh and i told him (i won't go into detail here); told him i want revenge on my mum; i want her to know how it feels. he looked at me and said how many days a week do i work; i told him 4 days and i am stressed about that too. i explained the issues of work and he said that's it you are having the rest of the week off or you will go into hospital. I told him i can't go to hospital as we are going away next week. He said okay, you take rest of the week off and go into hospital and do outpatient program (which i have done before).

I started telling him about work and i can't do that; i can't have time off there is too much work to do and i would be letting down the staff. he said what's worse you having a heart attack!!

i couldn't stop crying telling him - what do i do. So i am having rest of week off; gonig to outpatient program tomorrow and go away next week and then see him again the followng week. he gave me his mobile number and said i can contact him during this week if i need to.

he said what i want to do reg. my mum is not a good idea. he said sh is not a good idea and i need to focus on this crisis right now and i will get through it.

Thank you so much @eth @Appleblossom @Decadian @Mazarita for your posts and warm hugs and love. i feel so much love from all of you.

Even though i will do this tomorrow i still have this 'revenge' thing in my head. i just need to get through this week; go away next week for our anniversary and hopefully things will settle down.

i hope so; i hate my mum.

Hi @BlueBay I think writing it down was a great idea and you were really brave. Very glad to hear you and he made a plan for the next few days and that there's an outpatient option. Hoping it goes really well for you.

Hi @BlueBay,

So relieved to hear you made such a good choice in revealing your true feelings to your psychiatrist and are now getting the good treatment you need at this crisis time. Like @Appleblossom, I went through a period in my late twenties to early thirties of feeling extremely angry with my parents and the traumatic past I'd experienced in our family life. I too have had times of feeling like I hated them. Those times were much more damaging to me than them and it was during this time that I most seriously contemplated suicide. You have reasons to be angry but, as others have said, these feelings hurt ourselves much more more than the ones we are angry with. I hope in time you can find peace from these turbulent and damaging emotions. You have much to live for with children of your own now. Above all, I hope in the immediate future you can benefit greatly from the caring support you have in your psychiatrists and other practitioners in the outpatients program. Sending kind wishes and more hugs.

Just been chating with lifeline reg. self harm and suicide thoughts. i am so exhausted i think i need to go to bed. can't think straight. have a throbbing headache.

Hopping you have a restful sleep @BlueBay and wake up feeling hopeful about the outpatient place. I think you've been really strong and brave today.

Hi @BlueBay

Sending you some love 💌 ... ❤️❤️❤️