having a bad morning

Hi @eth

I'm tired, i was awake at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I have to work today 9.30-6pm. I still want revenge. I want to make her hurt for a while; to see 'how it feels' to have no love, support or care.

I want her to know what it's like to SH, think of suicide to end all the pain and hurt SHE has caused. I want her to know what it's like to cry every single morning when I wake up and cry every single night. I want her to know how it feels to be kicked in the guts, thrown out and abandoned and feel so damn alone.

i am angry at her, so bloody angry at her that i can't explain. i want her to know how it feels to not be able to contact my dad because of her.

God, i am so angry this morning, i feel like i could punch something/someone. I need to stop. i need to cry and i need to go away.

i want her to see how much suffering she has caused that day she yelled at me and told me that she didn't believe me that i was sexually abused. i remember ebverything, every single detail and it is with me forever. how can she say that i know it happened. i know it did.

Oh wow @BlueBay

That's a biggie - I'm glad you got to speak to a psyche but somehow the idea of trying to clear such powerful negative thoughts out of your mind with meditation is a little bit weak -

I am an advocate of meditation so I don't say that lightly at all - and I have mother issues too - but my mother died last year - one reason I have pretty bad thoughts myself

But not to the degree of self-harm - and yes - if you feel comfortable speaking to this relieving psyche you need to tell him about your thoughts of self-harm - and I know I don't have to tell you that trying to get revenge on your mum that way is not going to work

I have only just read this post - and I think it's so important I answered it straight away - you do need a session right now - you are in a bad place

Also - those terrible feelings when you wake up that do waft away as the days go on are something that tells me that you are not sleeping well - and that you are as tired as when you wake up

Things are tough for you right now - I have only recently met you so I don't know how things are for you - but when I wake up feeling the weight of the world is settled on my bed - filling up my bedroom and oozing out of the door and windows - then that is not the way to start the day -

This is when you do need to see your psyche - have you got an appointment for next week?

Decadian

@BlueBay I wish I had answers for you. It may sound trite but punching a pillow might get some of that anger out physically for a brief time. How will you get through the day? Does being at work allow you to 'shelve' any of this and just focus on the job? If not I am sure your doctor would give you a certificate so you don't have to go. Breathe in slowly, hold a few seconds, breathe out slowly. Do a few rounds of this while you decide. Keep in touch. Sending you a big hug.

@BlueBay@eth

I agree with the idea of some pillow punching

Or go all out and do some pillow kicking and maybe so sound FX

Decadian

@BlueBay I think it would be good to ring that relieving psychiatrist as soon as possible and tell them what's going on.

@BlueBay I think you're doing the right thing. Remember, they are there to help you. I truly hope they are able to give you some relief. Now you just have to get through the hours until then. I am here if you want to talk some more.

I do think it's no wonder you are feeling exhausted. It's not just not sleeping well. All that anger really consumes a lot of energy. What are you doing now - have you taken the day off work? Time to put yourself first I reckon.

I agree with @eth @BlueBay

And so glad you are seeing the psyche this arvo

Keep posting if you need to while you wait - I can't promise I will be here all day - but I will be around for a while

Decadian

Hey @BlueBay sitting here with you. Encouraging you to just let it all pour out like you did with your GP. That's the best way for them to be able to help you in the most effective way. Holding your hand and sending strength into you ❤️