having a bad morning

Good morning @BlueBay How are you today? Will be thinking of you getting plenty of support today - hugs 🙂

Hi @eth

I'm feeling exhausted. I did sleep but it was a broken sleep. Waking up at 4am and fell back asleep but it wasn't a 'good sleep' if that makes sense. I am feeling anxious about today even though I have been there before. At the moment I don't want to go, i just want to hibernate from everyone. But last night I received a text from the pharmacist who I work for and he said to me not to worry about work, my health is more important.

So I will slowly get ready to go; it's a whole day of different programs. One of them is quite intense so I am anxious about that one because I know what will happen - i will cry.

But i do know all the staff there and they are very supportive.

I'll let you all know how I go tonight.

In a way I am so glad that I did ring my psyh and got to see him yesterday. And i think writing down exactly how i was feeling - he got to see how i really am. And i told him it was time for me to be honest with him.

you know i sometimes don't know where i get this strength from to keep going - maybe it's my kids.

i don't know maybe i shouldn't go - maybe i can call in sick to the program. no much uncertainity - no i will go and i bet it will be so good for me to see the staff again and chat to them and get the group therapy sessions as well.

Good morning, @BlueBay. I'm guessing you will go today and, even if there are tears, you will feel a sense of hope and achievement afterwards. Taking these steps towards better mental wellness are powerful in themselves. Proud of you for what you are doing for yourself and your children. Your strength is mighty!

I understand you having mixed feelings about it @BlueBay but I think it's really important for you to go and get some therapy and support and put yourself first for a couple of days. Sending you all my support to get there

Hi @BlueBay

If you posted on the previous page I missed it - but if this programme is to help you go sort yourself out then it will be really hard to go - and hard work - but it will be worth it

It is so glad that your boss is so helpful - you must be a good worker - and that is somehthing on your side - so hold onto that thought and spend this time trying to heal - and you have been so stressed lately you really need this

How do you keep going? I wonder that about myself at times. What would we do if we stopped? How would we stop? You have children - I have my writing - other people have something else - something that is so important that they find the way to keep swimming in treacle - or golden syrup or mud or whatever -

But just because you are active in this website I know you have something that will keep you going - and you will - not because anyone else says so - or anything you might read in a self-help book - but because of something inside yourself

You might find what you need at this workshop or programme - how wonderful that you can start today.

I woke up this morning wondering how you went yesterday - and I will be thinking of you today

Decadian

Thank you @Decadian @eth @Mazarita

for your support, love and thoughts. I will let you know how today goes later. xxxooo

💐 Good on you @@BlueBay

Your kids will be learning how to be strong from your example. Keep swimming 🐠🐠🐠

😘 ... ❤️

Oh @BlueBay

I really understand and I really care

It's true many of us have mother-issues - and you are right - ours are all different - we have our own story and my story about my mother is bad - but different

I have not had feelings about revenge or wanting to hurt myself - mostly I feel a terrible sorrow for my mother who had so many fears and seemed to have locked herself away from life and missed out on all the great things I have found for myself by not letting myself be dragged down by her

She died last year too - and I am often overwhelmed by my feelings of sorrow that she never could say she loved me - and how cruel she was - and I do understand the way you are feeling even though I do not experience things in the same way as you do. I am pretty angry with my mother - but I know she could not help herself

I want these feelings gone too - but I know the memories will never go away - and I am trying to find a way to disengage myself from them. I did not deserve to be treated that way and neither did you.

Please understand that I identify with you and the way your feel even if I feel differently. It is harder to grieve for a person when the relationship has been rocky and really hard.

And no person has the right to abuse their child - or anyone else - but let's stick with the child - with you - with me - our mothers were cruel and that is wrong, it's bad, it's criminal

I can hear what you are saying and I will hear you better and better - I will read your posts again - and I do understand. Revenge will not help - but still - you have these feelings and they are your feelings and I will not try to change them - only you can do that. I know you want to feel differently and I hope this programme can help you - I am sure you will work hard to make it work

When I am in a dark place it helps to know people are in a similar place - I am not alone - you are not alone

You are not alone @BlueBay - you have a right to a better life - I hope you can find it

Decadian

Hi @BlueBay

Its not the same as what you are challenged with, but I have a story I hope you can draw some more courage from. I hope you will see that our stories are all different, but there are threads of them that are similar enough to understand that we are not alone, and our experiences, while they weren't good ones, can produce some good in the future if we can learn how to redirect them. The team you are dealing with are helping you learn how to do that. It is part of breaking out of a negative cycle, that might even have affected some previous generations, and change it for your kids, and their kids, coming through after you. That makes you a warr;or 🌺

For me, it wasn't my mother, and I wasn't a child, so you can see a big difference right there. It was my mother-in-law. She had encountered war as a child, and lost her father who she had idolised in a horrible way. I won't go into that. It's for the past. What it meant for me though was that she was stuck in this emotional cycle that made her a nightmare for me as her daughter-in-law. She was behaving very badly towards me in a passive-aggressive way that was hidden from my husband. Long story short, it was affecting all our relationships and needed sorting out. I went through about a ten year struggle with her. I don't think it ever really ended. It just slowly changed.

Bit by bit, step by step, she started to realise that there were better ways of doing things that created a win-win situation for everyone, I think she hand something stuck in her head that said that if there is a winner, someone else has to lose, so she had to always be the winner. Now she realises that we can all be winners if we care and share. That doesn't make is perfect, it just makes us more aware, and happier.

the relationships still have their glitches, believe me, and you just have to roll with some things sometimes, but on the whole, we have succeeded in changing a negative pattern in this generation.

That's you are doing. It's long, and it's hard, but you are succeeding in turning over new ground, and planting a new crop for you children. You are showing them how it's done in the process. Just keep at it. There are people around to help you, and to cheer you on.

❤️❤️❤️

You know @Faith-and-Hope @Decadian @eth @Mazarita

Sometimes I feel that i don't deserve all the love and support you guys give. But i am so appreciative of all the support i am getting right now.

I have just come back from hospital doing the outpatient program. This morning we had pet therapy where there were 2 dogs a labrador and a maltese terrier. I had just arrived and was very nervous and not in a good frame of mind. I sat down, said hello and gave the dog a pat. But then all of a sudden a huge amount of anxiety came over me, the tears started so I walked away. I couldn't show them I was so upset. I walked away and one of the patients there came over and said oh you need a hug and she gave me a hug.

The next program was the hardest ever. It's called emotion regulation with coloured balls. Red ball is for anger; blue is for sad; green for guilt, yellow for anxiety and last ball purple is for happiness or gratitude. We went around in a circle with whatever colour ball we chose and it could be more than one ball.

It was my turn and I chose all of them - yellow I was anxious for being there, i could feel it in my stomach and felt like i needed to run away. Rated the anxiety as a 9/10.

Then I chose blue ball - i said to the group that i am sad that i don't have a close relationship with my mum; sad for me that i have a mental illness; green guilty ball - I said that i feel guilty for taking this week off work with so much stuff to do and letting people down.

I couldn't stop crying when i was talking about the blue ball. All these tears just pouring out.

Then we had lunch and the patients were nice to me, we were chattng for a while.

Afternoon group was - thinking right. A lot of the time our thoughts are not rational. It's over the top. So to keep it real we had to think of a thought and simplify it, keep it realistic.

Then we had relaxation group, we lay on a yoga mat with a blanket and did 15 min deep breathing and then relaxation music and tensing our muscles starting from top of body,.

It was nice to see the psychologist who runs the group today, she is lovely and was happy to see me.

I left feeling okay, but the thought of revenge to my mum is still in the back of my mind.

I just feel a bit lost, not with it this afternoon.

i so need a strong stiff drink. tomorrow i will ring my psych who i saw yesterday and let him know how i am going.

i guess going there today, i realised how many people have a mental illness and are struggling.